Two's Company, Three's a Crowd
by JenniferHawke
Summary: Arriving at Kirkwall has left Marian Hawke grieving and lost. Over the years she falls for two different men and has some very difficult choices to make. Focuses on the Hawke/Fenris/Anders love triangle. M for smut, dark themes, language, and violence. NOW COMPLETE.
1. Escaping the Blight

**Authors notes: This story is being written so that someone who has never played DA or DA2 will understand the context. The first few chapters especially will mostly be dialogue from the game, just to set up the story line. Don't worry, it will pick up soon with lots of juicy details. It will focus on the love triangle between Hawke, Anders, and Fenris. I hope you enjoy it!**

My name is Marian Hawke, and this is my story. A story of survival, death, friendship, love, betrayal, and war, just to name a few. I could start from the beginning; how I grew up, the never ending hiding with my father, my sister and I being born with the "gift" of magic, or even how my father eventually died. But no, I shall not begin there. Although those were very significant factors into how everything fell into place for my family and I, where my story really starts is when the fifth blight began.

A blight is a period when darkspawn find and corrupt one of the Old Gods, which is transformed into an arch demon and leads the group to attack the surface. Darkspawn are a race of human- like tainted monsters that reside in the Deep Roads. As the Chantry states, they were created when the magisters of the Tevinter Imperium opened a gate into the Golden City, tainting the realm of the Maker with their corruption and returning as darkspawn. A darkspawn corruption, or taint as some people call it, takes over all living creatures, which eventually go insane. Some just outright die. There are very few who live a corruption.

Three years after my father passed, the fifth blight began. My mother, my twin siblings Bethany and Carver, and myself were residing in Lothering. We had tried to escape through the Free Marches, with our trusty Mabari hound Rufus at our side. We barely made it. Mother was not as young as she once was, and despite all the spells Bethany and I were casting, or Carver's blows with his trusty sword, it was sometimes hard to keep her safe.

"Maker save us, we've lost it all, everything your father and I built." Mother said with an exasperated gasp. We had just outrun another lot of darkspawn, and we were all exhausted.

"I know how much Lothering meant to you, but we have to move." I say to her. We can't keep stopping like this, or the darkspawn will catch up to us, and it will be the end of everything.

"Yes, you're right," my mother agrees, acknowledging what I've said. My sister Bethany looks more worry some than our mother does.

"We should have run sooner! Why did we wait so long?" Bethany's eyes look glossy, like she might break down. No Bethany, not here. She was always the sensitive one.

"Why are you looking at me? I've been running since Ostagar!" Carver snaps. He and Bethany are twins. Carver always comes off as a brute, butting heads with Bethany and I. He always did hate it when I take the lead. Whether it's because I am eldest, or a mage, I don't know.

"Listen you two," I interject. "The darkspawn could be on us any minute."

"Please, listen to your sister," Mother pleads with the twins.

"Then let's go, lead on," Carver states in that smug way he always does. Even in the most dire times, he can be a total and complete ass.

After several more miles of trotting along, with faithful Rufus in tow, Bethany stops.

"Wait, where are we going?"

"Away from the darkspawn, where else?" spouts my brother.

"And then where? We can't wander aimlessly." Bethany has such doubt in her eyes. I try to comfort her.

"Wherever we go, what's important is that we don't separate." I touch her forearm, trying to reassure her, even though deep down I know the chances of us making this out alive are quite slim.

Our mother, who has been deep in thought, breaks her silence.

"We can go to Kirkwall."

"Kirkwall?" I am nothing less than shocked that she suggests the city she grew up in, the city she left years ago when she ran off with my father after her parents disowned her for marrying an apostate mage. "Are you sure that's wise?"

"There's a lot of Templars in Kirkwall Mother."

My sister is right. It would not be safe for Bethany and I. Templars are enforcers specifically designed to control and slay mages. We would be forever in hiding if we travelled to Kirkwall. You see, all magic comes from a place known as the Fade - a dimension where spirits live. Those who have the power of magic can visit it in their dreams. Using it can attract spirits, which can risk demonic possession of the host. A possessed mage changes; they become a monster called an abomination. There is also a thing called blood magic. The act of blood magic is incredibly dangerous, it makes the mage especially susceptible to possession of a demon, and is frowned upon by all. This is where the Templar Order comes in.

The Templar Order hunts mages and rule the Magi Circles. Mages who are not part of the Circle are known as apostates, which is what my sister and I are, what my father was. They are hunted, even sometimes murdered, by the Templars for possessing magic without being trained in the Circle. I had heard the stories from my father hundreds of times, it is a prison. The Templars think all mages need to be watched over and ruled, but we aren't all bad, and we don't all fall prey to blood magic. If you are deemed too strong a mage, or too rebellious, the Templars will make you a tranquil. They take away all free will and you become nothing but an empty shell for them to control. Some Templars think they are doing what's best, and some know better. There are a few who abuse their position of power and will beat and rape mages, and there is nothing you can do about it, not if you want to keep your free will. Escaping the circle is not easy, those who escape and are captured are often killed. My father taught my sister and I how to keep our magic hidden before he died, so we would not have to endure the circle as he once did. He was lucky to have escaped.

"I know that. But we still have family there, and an estate." My mother, is now slightly optimistic, brings up a valid point, and neither my sister nor I can argue with her. Bethany aggravatingly sighs.

"Then we need to get to Gwaren and take ship."

Carver cuts in "If we survive that long. I'll just be happy to get out of here." Oh Carver, always looking on the bright side. At this point, I just want to grab hold of him and scream.

Two hours later, we are still fighting darkspawn. Mother is hiding behind a rock, as my siblings and I are slaying as many as we can. Rufus is gnawing on the leg of a darkspawn he just knocked down, when I hear the clashing of swords nearby. I turn and see a couple. The woman is a stalky red head, and the man, a templar. They are swinging their swords, destroying all darkspawn in sight. A darkspawn charges at the Templar when his back is turned. It stabs him in the side, and the Templar drops his shield, wincing and moaning out in pain, blood gushing from his fresh wound. He falls onto a nearby rock as the darkspawn corners him. As the darkspawn is about to deliver one final, fatal blow, the feisty red haired woman pounces on him, like a mother bear protecting her cub. She pins it to the ground underneath her weight, and punches it in the face several times with all her might, blood flying everywhere. This woman was incredibly strong, and built like a man. I have never seen anyone like her before.

"You will not have him!" She growls at the monster, taking her sword, and pushing it down across the darkspawn's jugular. Blood splashes her face, as she decapitates the demon. The man, lying on the ground, looks at her with desperation in his eyes. She runs over to him, and takes him in her arms. She gazes into his eyes deeply, and now for the first time, it is clear that they are lovers. "They will not have you. Not while I breathe," she says, lifting him up against her with one arm, the other arm gripping a shield to protect them both from the dozens of darkspawn that now surround us all.

After we managed to slay the remaining creatures in the area, the woman lays the man on his back. "Stop squirming Wesley. You'll make it worse," she says strictly. The man bolts up when he sees my family and I approaching.

"Apostate! Keep your distance." he yells at me. Bethany is none too pleased.

"Well the Maker has a sense of humour. Darkspawn, and now a Templar. I thought they all abandoned Lothering."

The man glares at us both."The spawn are clear in their intent, but a mage is always unknown. The Order dictates..." his lover interrupts him softly "Wesley," she says in a breathy voice. He pushes her to the side and marches directly at my sister. "The Order dictates." I step in front of him, blocking him from Bethany. The templar and I are now eyeing each other down.

"Dear, they saved us. The Maker understands," the woman eases his mind. "Of course," he is now backing down, realising that without my family's help, both him and his woman would now be perished. The broad woman approaches us now.

"I am Aveline Vallen. This is my husband Ser Wesley. We can hate each other when we're safe from the horde."

"A strange time to be hunting apostates. His fellows left with the Chantry priests." I am still in disbelief that after all we did, this Templar was trying to start a fight with us.

"I was travelling to Denerim on business for the Order, but I had to turn South when I heard of Ostagar," Ser Wesley explains.

"Bad luck, and judgement brought us together here before the attack," his wife chimes in.

"The nice Templar has been convinced to postpone his hunt for the illegal mages. So let's not dwell upon it, shall we?" It is clear Bethany does not want to discuss this any longer.

"Wise girl," Aveline nods at us. I don't quite trust these two, not yet. "You're quick to offer your allegiance."

"Another blade between us and the darkspawn? Yes please." For once, it seems my brother has a logical point. Bethany turns to Carver, not wanting to trust them either. "So long as the horde is their first concern."

"My duty is clear, but that is for another day. If we are granted that opportunity."

"We will be fine, we all will," Mrs. Vallen says, matter of factly. I wish I had as much confidence as she does.

"For awhile it looked like we were the only ones to escape the darkspawn."

"We aren't free of them yet. You didn't see Ostagar. This is just the start." Well, thank you Carver for once again bringing down our optimism. I turn to Ser Wesley, and stare at him coldly. "I'm watching you Templar."

"And I you. Terms I'm sure we both expected."

Aveline cuts in, wanting to cut the tension and figure out a game plan "For now we move with you. North is cut off. We barely escaped the main body of the horde."

"Then we're trapped!" Carver shouts out, now in a panic. "The Wilds are to the South, that's no way out." His words hit my mother like a brick, she buries her head in her hands, and starts to weep with fear.

"We have no choice. The darkspawn have us fenced in. We go South." I've made up my mind. There is no other way I see that we can survive. We must venture forth and brave the Wilds.

Several more miles of walking and fighting, and things have not been looking any better. The deeper we travel, the more darkspawn there are. Wesley is looking worse by the minute, the colour is being drained from his face and his veins are beginning to show, not a good sign. We have been granted a few minutes of quiet, when suddenly the ground beneath us begins to shake violently. I hear the swift movements of a creature, something is coming at us quickly, and whatever it is, is big. A violent roar is let out, and an Ogre comes charging at us. Ser Wesley dives out of the way, and the Ogre just misses him. My heart is pounding in my chest. Maker, this thing is huge. It lets out another gigantic roar, saliva foaming at its mouth, as it bares its rotting fangs. We are all standing there, terrified. Bethany looks up at the beast in despair, and I hear her whisper the words "Maker, give me strength!" and before I can stop her, she hurdles herself towards the ogre. She raises her hands, summoning her power to form fire between them, and throws it at the monster in front of her. No Bethany, you're too close, I want to scream, but everything is happening so quickly, and I can't stop it. I watch in terror as it grabs a hold of my little sister by the neck, and then brings her down, head first into the hard ground. He slams her fragile body into the ground two times with all his might before tossing her to the side, her blood gushing everywhere. "Bethany!" my mother screams out as the ogre leaves Bethany's body, and she runs to her side to check up on my sister.

Aveline, Carver, and I run at the monster. I can feel the rage building up in me, and I want to explode. How dare you harm my sister?! I want to scream at it, but instead, I blast through it a bunch of times, and with the combination of the scorching heat I am using, and Aveline and Carvers blades, the Ogre is soon destroyed.

We walk over to Bethany, as my mother is cradling her still body. I already know the worst has happened, she is dead.

"Bethany, wake up! The battle 's over, we're fine," my mother sobs, rocking Bethany back and forth in her arms, as she did when Bethany was an infant.

"I'm sorry Mistress, your daughter is gone." Aveline softly speaks to my mother, as her and Wesley approach.

"No! These things will not take Bethany." I kneel down to comfort my mother. I want to break down and ball my eyes out with her, but we can't stay here. We will have to mourn later.

"Bethany risked her life to save us."

"I don't want a hero, I want my daughter! How could you let her charge off like that? Oh my poor little girl, my sweetheart." my mother snaps at me coldly.

"If we stand here weeping, the darkspawn will take the rest of us too," Carver says, striking a note within my mother. She finally lifts her head up, tears streaming down her dirt covered face. Ser Wesley steps in.

"Allow me to commend your daughter's soul to the Maker, Mistress." Wesley bows his head down, folds his arm across his chest, and closes his eyes, as I'm sure he has done for his comrades dozens of times before.

"Ashes we were, and Ashes we become. Maker, give this young woman a place at your side. Let us find comfort in the peace she has found, in eternity."

Mother takes Bethany's face between both her hands, and looks down at her one last time. "I will never ...forget you... Bethany." She can barely form the words. My heart feels like it is shattering in a thousand pieces and I suddenly wish it were me instead of her. I need to keep my mother safe though, so I somehow manage to hold myself together. "Our lives are more valuable to her than our prayers. Let's go." It kills me to leave my sister's body like this, but it is all we can do. We all turn to keep walking and my heart drops. There are what seems to be at least 50 darkspawn crowding around us now. There is no way we will be able to survive this.

"Flames! We're too late." yells out Aveline.

"There's no end to them!" My brother sounds like he is ready to give up, which is uncharacteristic of him. We're doomed, there is no way out of it this time. We all start to back up as the spawn corner us in when a loud grumbling is heard from above. The rocks beneath us begin to shake. The four of us look up, and there perched directly above us is a dragon. I am trembling with fear, even more now than I was just moments before. The dragon is looking down at all of us and lets out a screech that stings my ears. The darkspawn start fleeing the scene, as the dragon swoops down flying above them and blowing fire all over them. We all dive down so that we will not get hit by the humungous beast. It flies directly over our sprawled out bodies, ignoring us and heading towards the spawn. Within seconds, the whole herd is obliterated. The dragon scoops up one with its teeth and flies up above us. It's about a hundred feet in the air, and it drops the creature down below to its death.

Oh no, it is flying back down, and it's headed towards us. We all scramble to our feat, weapons drawn in hand. There are flames all over the ground surrounding us as it lands right in front of me, no further than fifteen feet away. It lets out another ferocious yell as it swipes a few remaining spawn to the ground with its spiked tail. I stand guard, about to fight, when something miraculous is happening right before our eyes. This beast is changing. It begins to shrink, and before we have time to react, a woman is standing before us. What the hell is going on?

Smoke surrounds the woman, who has horns shaped throughout her long, white hair. She looks to be in her mid fifties. Her yellow eyes are glowing, her hips swaying seductively as she approaches us. She is wearing some kind of dark leather, her dark lips are ever so slightly smiling. In her claw like hand, she is dragging a darkspawn that is lit on fire, a fire she had casted. Is she a blood mage? No...I have never seen a mage turn into a dragon before. This woman was something much different. She drops the spawn at her feet, as she speaks in a cackling voice.

"Well, well. What have we here?" she asks, hands on her hips. Carver and I approach her, as Mother lies beside my deceased sister and Aveline lies beside a still wounded Wesley.

"It used to be we never got visitors to the Wilds, but now it seems the arrive in hordes." she speaks, ever so smugly, eyebrows raised. This woman was amused by what had just happened.

"I don't know what we would have done if you hadn't arrived," I finally say to her.

"I do. You would have perished. You still may." She had almost no emotion as she spoke. "If you wish to flee the darkspawn, you should know you are heading in the wrong direction." She turns on her heel and starts to walk away from us. Carver follows her. "So you're just going to leave us here?!" Carver demands an answer.

"And why not?" She turns around and begins to walk towards me again. I tense up a little. "I spotted a most curious sight; a mighty ogre vanquished! Who could perform such a feat? But now my curiosity is sated, and you are safe...for the moment. Is that not enough?"

"We won't be able to get through the darkspawn on our own," I answer her.

"They are everywhere, or soon will be. Where is it you plan to run to, hmm?"

"We're going to Kirkwall, in the free Marches." Carver seems to be a little less on edge now. It is clear he wants this woman's help as badly as I do.

"Kirkwall? My, but that is quite the voyage you plan. So far, simply to flee the darkspawn." I can see what her game is now, she is trying to get information from us. But why?

"Our home is gone and we have nowhere else to go," I state, seeing if my answer was good enough for her.

"I see. Hurtled into the chaos you fight, and the world will shake before you. Is it fate or chance? I can never decide." She turns and shoots a coy smile at both my sibling and I. "It appears fortune smiles on us both today. I may be able to help you yet."

"Anything you could do for us would be appreciated."

"Should we even trust her? We don't even know what she is." Carver responds.

"I know what she is," Aveline stands and approaches us now. " The witch of the Wilds."

"Some call me that. Also Flemeth. Asha' Bellanar. An 'Old hag who talks too much.' " She let out an amused giggle. Even when she laughed, she sounded mischievous. "Does it matter? I offer you this: I will get your group past the horde in exchange for a simple delivery to a place not far out of your way. Would you do this for a "witch of the Wilds?' "

"Wesley is injured, we'll never escape the darkspawn." Wesley can barely sit up now, and Aveline is stroking his hair trying to comfort him.

"If you need to, leave me behind." He is wincing in a great amount of pain and almost all colour is gone from his flesh.

"No! I said I would drag you out if I had to, and I meant it."

I still have some questions for this Flemeth that I need answered before I can make an informed decision.

"What is a witch of the Wilds, exactly?"

"A chasind legend. Witches that steal children," Aveline tells me.

Flemeth raises her hands in the air. "Bah! As if I had nothing better to do," she exclaims in a sarcastic matter.

"Then you're an Apostate."

"Yes, we have so much in common!"

"You would go through all that trouble to have something delivered?"

"I have..." she pauses for a moment "an appointment to keep. It is far more convenient this way. Happily, you're not without your own needs."

"We don't have much choice." I have concluded, we must help this apostate, as we need her more than she needs us.

"We never do. There is a clan of Dalish elves near the city of Kirkwall. Deliver this amulet to their Keeper, Marethari. Do as she asks with it and any debt between us is paid in full. " She hands me over a strange looking piece of jewelry. It doesn't look to be of great value, but clearly it is significant. Flemeth turns away from me.

"Before I take you anywhere, however , there is another matter." She turns and faces Wesley and Aveline. Wesley has worsened so quickly. He is coughing and in an immense amount of pain, as Aveline is holding him. As we approach her, she jumps up quickly at us.

"No! Leave him alone!"

"What has been done to your man is within his blood already."

"You lie!"

Wesley finally speaks up. "She's right Aveline. I can feel the corruption inside me. From the darkspawn. All that blood...I knew when it happened." Aveline, with so much worry, looks down at her husband.

"Then how much time before you..." She is cut off by Flemeth.

"Not long now, if I am any judge."

"There must be something we can do." I don't particularly care for the man, but I can't imagine how scared he must be.

"The only cure I know of is to become a Grey Warden."

"And they all died at Ostagar," Aveline quietly admits.

"Not all, but the last are now beyond your reach." Aveline walks back over to her husband, and crouches beside him, with longing eyes. I can tell she has no idea what to do.

"Aveline, listen to me." Wesley says.

"You can't ask me this, I won't!" she is now holding Wesley's face in her hands.

"Please, the corruption is a slow death, I can't..." I lower myself down to Aveline and Wesley.

"He's your husband Aveline. I can't decide his fate." Aveline looks down, with the saddest eyes I have ever seen. She has been put in a position that most would not be able to endure.

"Be strong, my love." Wesley can barely manage to get the words out, he is so weak. He grabs his dagger, and Aveline puts her hands around his, as he is still holding on to it himself. The weapon is placed just above his heart. This would be the last time that their hands touched, an intimate moment in death itself. He gazes up at her with such love in his eyes, and they share a moment of staring each other deeply into their eyes, into their souls. He nods at her, and she quickly pushes the weapon down with all her strength. Wesley screams out, and then nothing. He has died instantly. Aveline lowers her head in shame. She reaches her hand forward, and with two fingers, she gently closes her husband's eye lids. Flemeth walks up behind her.

"Without an end, there can be no peace. It gets no easier. Your struggles have only just begun."

Flemeth lead us to Gwaren, where we were able to get on a ship. We had to pay the very last of our coin to get on board. We were on that wretched thing for two weeks. I can't recall how many storms there were, but I had never felt so ill in my life. There were many times where we didn't think we would make it, but somehow, we did.

While on that ship I had many moments where I could finally think about everything that happened. There were several nights that I wept for Bethany. It all began to sink in that we would never see her again. Sometimes my mother and I held on to each other and cried, while Carver sat still in his thoughts. He was not one for public displays of emotion, but I could see it in his eyes. Bethany was his twin after all, and it would not be easy on him either.

There it was... Kirkwall. I could hardly contain my excitement when I saw it coming into view. Finally, dry land! A warm, comfy bed, and food that wasn't mush. I thought of how happy we would be here, how this was our second chance. Mother could have her estate back, she would be rich again and everything would work out. If only I had known better.

Once we docked with the dozens of other ships that had arrived, we discovered they weren't letting anyone in. Thousands of Fereldan's like ourselves had taken ship to Kirkwall to escape the blight. For weeks they were letting people in, but now they were full. The only way you could get in was to pay your way in, and we had spent all our gold on getting on that damn ship to get here. All seemed hopeless. We sent word to my Mother's brother Gamlen who resided at our family estate.

While waiting to hear from my Uncle Gamlen, we had to wait at the Gallows where all the ships were. This was especially risky for me. It is where Kirkwall's Circle of Magi is, and is surrounded by Templars, I had to be extra careful to keep my magic hidden. Huge statues of tortured slaves were everywhere, not the most optimistic scenery for refugees entering Kirkwall, to say the least.

It took three whole days for Gamlen to meet us at the Gallows where we were staying. He was a scrawny man, a few years younger than my Mother. He smelled and looked as if he hadn't bathed in months. We found out from Gamlen that he had gambled the family estate away to pay off a debt. He informed my Mother that their parents, still angry at her for running off with my father, had left her out of their will. We were wrong. We had nothing here in Kirkwall. It seemed so helpless, but there was nowhere else for us to go. Gamlen did give us a ray of hope. He had two connections that could get us in the city. The only problem was that we would be in their debt, and would have to work for them for a whole year.

Our choices were either a mercenary or a smuggler. Carver and I decided to take chances with Athenril the smuggler, the work seemed somehow less dirty than killing people, although it was not a much better option.

Aveline was allowed in the city as well, due to her combat training. She was immediately offered a position with the city guard, a very appropriate title for her. I instantly knew she would have no trouble adjusting to it. The worst for her would be moving on from Ser Wesley.

When Carver, Mother, Rufus, and I got to Gamlen's..our...home, I think all of our hearts sank simultaneously. It was a dump. The smell of foul cheese and whisky hung in the air. It was incredibly cramped for four people and a dog to be residing, but what else could we do? We were all out of options. As I lay down in the filth covered bunk I shared with my mother, my mind began to race. I thought of my life back in Lothering. So many fond memories. I would just have to make new ones. A whole year in debt to a smuggler. I let out a loud sigh as I rolled over and closed my eyes. Really, things can't get much worse than this, can they?


	2. A healer and a slave

**Authors note: This chapter moves much faster than the first. Still quite a bit of original dialogue, but that is soon to change. I just wanted to set up how Hawke met her two suitors, and her feelings for both. The story is about to progress. Stay tuned!**

A whole year in servitude has come and gone, and let me say, it has not been an easy one. If I didn't know how to fight before I certainly do now. Working for Athenril had proven difficult many times, and many of her foes had to be slain in order for her to keep her "business" up and running. My family and I are no better off where we started. We are still living with Uncle Gamlen. A few days ago, Carver and I heard about a dwarf named Bartrand who is raising gold for an expedition, and has been hiring muscle for the journey. They are looking for treasures located in The Deep Roads, which is covered in Darkspawn. A dangerous task, but the rewards are worth the risk. Anything to get out of this hell hole.

Carver and I went to talk to this Bartrand, to offer our services, but he turned us down flat. Despite our experience fighting Darkspawn, he said we had nothing to offer him.

Walking through the Hightown market, Carver is letting me have it. Cursing my magic, he is upset we have to remain in hiding so I do not get caught, with the Templars everywhere. He's just looking for someone to blame right now. I sigh out, when I feel my side get lighter suddenly. I reach down, and my coin purse is gone. I turn around and see the thief running away, and Carver and I are on his tail. No need apparently. As we turn a corner, he is stuck to a wall, an arrow in his shoulder holding him in place. A dwarf with a cocky smile and a crossbow walk towards him, strutting with confidence.

"I knew a guy once who could take every coin out of our pockets just by smiling at you. But you, you don't have the style to work Hightown, let alone the Merchants Guild. Might want to find yourself a new line of work." The dwarf punched the thief in the face, before yanking his arrow out. I think I like this dwarf.

He introduced himself to us as Varric Tethras, Bartrand's brother. While working a year as a smuggler, it seems my name had been passed around, and Varric had heard of me. While his brother didn't see a use for me on the expedition, Varric saw otherwise. He informed my brother and I that we just needed to raise 50 gold to get in on the expedition. That was a lot more gold than either of us had, but there were a lot of people who needed help in Kirkwall, and Varric assured us we would find it in no time.

We also needed to find a good way into the Deep Roads. Apparently, there is a Grey Warden in town somewhere, we just needed to find him. I wasn't sure if a Warden would be willing to help us, and I certainly didn't want a fight from one. We had to find a Lotown woman named Lirene, she has been helping the refugees along with this Grey Warden. She would know where he is.

We found Lirene in a shelter in Lotown, running a hospital of sorts. It took awhile for us to prove that we were not a threat to her or the Grey Warden. We found out the Warden's name is Anders. He left the Grey Warden's, and is now helping those is Darktown, healing those who need it for no price. He's a mage, so it was important that his whereabouts were kept discreet. Well, now I could relate to this Healer. I'm sure I'd be able to find a way to get him to help us.

As Lirene spoke of this mage's ability to heal others, and doing so for free, I joked that if he had nice eyes I would marry him on the spot. This got a chuckle out of Lirene. She said he definitely had the eyes, but she had never seen him smile. She gave us the directions to his Darktown clinic, and off we were.

The door was open to Anders' clinic when we arrived, so Carver, Varric, and I stepped inside. There he stood, hovering his hands over a sick child, blue magic emanating from his body. Lirene never mentioned how handsome this man was. He was tall and muscular, and approximately in his early thirties, no more than ten years older than myself. He has blonde hair that was tied off of his face, and golden eyes that were in a serious state. As he waved his hands a few more times, the child sat up gasping for air. Wow, he really was a healer.

Anders had his back turned to us as we approached, he quickly turned around and yelled "I have made this place a sanctum of healing and salvation, why do you threaten it?"

He thought we were Templars. His staff was out in front of him, in a protective stance.

"I want to know about the Deep Roads." I informed him.

"Did the Wardens send you to bring me back? I'm not going. Those bastards made me get rid of my cat. Poor Ser Pounce A Lot. He hated the Deep Roads." I wanted to laugh, this powerful mage had a cat, named Ser Pounce A Lot of all things? I had to stifle a chuckle inside of me.

Anders told us he came to Kirkwall to escape the Wardens, and to help a friend of his, a fellow mage named Karl. He would give us his maps to the Deep Roads if we aided him. His friend was a prisoner of the circle. They had been conversing through letters, and Anders wanted to help him escape. He sent Karl a message to meet him in the Chantry tonight. That's what his terms were, help free his friend from the Templars, and the maps would be ours. A hefty price, but one we needed. I had to get on that expedition. Besides, I could bare to spend some more time with this man. Something about him made me feel tingly and warm, and I wanted to know him more. Whether it was because he was selflessly healing those in need, his strong body, or his love for felines, I don't know. I could tell he was worth knowing. We agreed to meet him at the Chantry after sun down.

I went back home for a few hours to rest before we met Anders. This could be a long fight, and I needed my energy for it. I also wanted to freshen up a little. I had butterflies in my stomach, and I was nervous. Not because we could be facing Templars, but because I was excited to see him again. I gazed into my hand held mirror to appear at my reflection. My short black hair fell around my fore head, my cheeks were flush, and my blue eyes tired. I went over to my stash of belongings and grabbed a few cosmetics to liven my complexion up. My mother taught me at a young age how to look "lady like" which she told me would be very important when I became the marrying age. I was more interested in learning magic lessons from my father, but I was glad my mother taught me a thing or two.

Carver, Varric, and I gathered Aveline from the Viscounts Keep where she resided. I didn't tell her our plan until we left.

"You can't be serious Hawke."

"Come on Aveline, do it for an old friend."

"Do you know how much trouble we could get into if the Templars find out we're helping a mage of the circle escape?"

"I assume not much more trouble than you'd get in, if they find out Hawke is an apostate," Varric added.

Aveline was flustered with us. "Fine, but don't rely on me to help you again with matters of these sorts."

We arrived at the Chantry after dark. There he was, standing at the entrance. My heart fluttered inside of me as I walked up to him. His face was worry stricken and he looked ill.

Anders worst fears were confirmed. It was a trap. Karl had already been made tranquil, nothing left to him. The Templars found Anders' letters, and they set up the meeting to arrest him.

"No!" Anders yelled in disbelief, so much pain in his voice. We were now surrounded by a dozen Templars. He quickly fell to his knees and covered his face. He started to shake, and a blue light covered his body, black smoke surrounded him. He lifted his head up, and his eyes were no longer soft, but a blinding blue light replaced them. His voice was deep, and demonic.

"You will never take another mage as you took him!" He screamed, jumping up. Shit, what have I gotten myself into? Was he an abomination, a blood mage? I couldn't tell, but the fight was on.

I underestimated his power, he was a very powerful mage, and between the five of us, it took no time for us to clear out the Templars. I was relieved, as soon as our battle had ended, Anders returned to his usual state. What the hell was that?

His friend Karl had also returned to normal, but it didn't last. He told us that soon he would revert to being a tranquil. He said it was a dark prison in his own mind, and he would rather die than go back. He asked, no begged, Anders to end it. Anders looked with such hesitation and despair at his friend, to whom he was clearly very close to. Within seconds, Karl reverted back to a tranquil.

"Why do you look at me like that?" The tranquil asked.

"Goodbye," Anders said as he approached Karl, and with a quick swift of a blade to his stomach, he ended Karl's life. And with that, we all left the Chantry, and headed back to Anders clinic.

The walk back to his clinic was a quiet one. We all had questions for Anders, but we were too scared to ask at this point. When we finally reached the destination I followed Anders to confront him. He told us everything about how he got his unusual ability. When he was in Amaranthine he met a spirit of Justice that was trapped outside the fade. He and Anders both wanted to help the mages. They became one, and once they merged, Justice changed, and became a part of Anders. They were now one being, and sometimes, when mages become threatened, the spirit, who is no longer a spirit of Justice but a spirit of Vengeance, was hard to be controlled.

I stood there, taking all of this information in. When most would probably be uncomfortable, or a little frightened with this information, I found myself utterly intrigued. He was a fellow mage, that wanted to make a real difference in this world. He knew all the struggles and hardships that I was burdened with. I had not made a friend in any other mages in Kirkwall since my arrival, and it was nice to finally meet one, especially one with such a good heart. I could look past everything he told me, because I already knew, he was a good man. I had been so lonely since the blight, I longed to meet someone like myself that I could turn to. Maybe Anders was my answer. I decided to ignore the butterflies in my gut, and make an advance towards him.

"So, that explains your whole sexy, tortured look."

Anders looked at me, taken back by what I had just said. "Perhaps I should check a looking glass more often. I had not thought to ever find a woman who would look past what I just said." He gave me a smile, and I could feel my heart leap into my throat. His smile was just lovely, and so kind. "My maps are yours. As am I, if you wish me to join your expedition. I thought I was done with the Grey Wardens, but if you have any need of me...I will be waiting here." Any need of him, hmmmm. My mind wandered to all sorts of places it shouldn't have, and I blushed right then and there.

"I am more than grateful for your help. Thank you Anders. It's so nice to finally meet another mage."

"Likewise." He smiled, and I gave him a wave goodbye as we left.

I awoke the next morning still thinking of Anders. He really had a hold of my thoughts, and I couldn't seem to get him out of my mind. I wanted to see him again, but I didn't want to seem too eager or forward. I needed to think of a good cover story. What about his clinic? I'll offer to give him a helping hand, how could he see past that? I thought to myself. I arrived at his clinic by mid day, at a time where he conveniently had no patients to help. As soon as he saw me, he grinned and walked over.

"I thought I would stop by, see if you needed any help around here. "

"Thank you Hawke, that is very thoughtful of you to offer. Actually, I wanted to talk to you." He was thinking of me? "I got a bit weighty the last time we talked. Sorry for putting that on you."

I smiled at him "It's really not a problem, I understand that it must have been hard on you to confide in me. I must look trustworthy."

"You look...something. True. Proud. Like even if you don't agree with me, you'll be honest. Sorry, I shouldn't presume. I just...we've hardly met and I feel like I know you. Am I making you uncomfortable?" Now I was really blushing.

"Doesn't mean I want you to stop."

"I'll keep that in mind," his voice raised as he said this, and I couldn't help but think of how much I loved hearing him talk like this.

" I just, I hope I didn't seem too selfish when I told you about Justice. "

"Well, he can't complain about his looks, anyway." The words escaped me before I could stop it. Oh Marian, whatever happened to not seeming too eager?

"No, don't go there. That's not going to end well. I don't want to hurt you." The eyes that were beaming at me a second ago now were filled with such worry, and sadness. I could see the frown lines that circled his eyes. "You saw what I did in the Chantry. That's who I am. A year ago, maybe we could have had something. But I'm not that man anymore. I'll break your heart. And that might kill me as surely as the Templars."

Ouch. It felt as if he already broke my heart. One second, he was hopelessly flirting and making me believe he felt as I did, but now, this...this rejection.

"Well, if that's what you think is best." I said quietly, head down, not able to look into his eyes.

"It pains me to say it, but yes, I do."

"Shame, I really thought, even in this short time, I could really be with you."

"Hawke, please. Don't take this the wrong way. Looking at you, I mean, look at you. Who would not want to be with someone as beautiful as you? I just, it's complicated. I am not the kind of man you want to fall in love with. Trust me. I'm not the one for you. But if you wish, I will still fight at your side, and help you, any time you need me."

"Sounds fair enough. Thanks for your honesty Anders. I appreciate it." And with that, I left. I felt like an utter fool, and completely disappointed. So much for finding love with another mage. I guess I would have to look elsewhere. I wasn't desperate, by any means, and I had plenty of men make advances towards me, but I just thought there was a real connection with Anders. I suppose I was wrong.

Over the next few weeks, I had met a few other companions to help me with the expedition. I still had to deliver the amulet from Flemeth. When I arrived at the Dalish camp, I was pointed to an elf named Merrill. She was to lead me to place to amulet past a grave yard. We discovered she was a blood mage, and I discovered how much Anders despised blood mages. She and him hit it off on a bad note right from the start. There was something about Merrill I instantly liked. She was very naive, as she had never been around humans. She said so many things that were downright ridiculous, and you could not use any sarcasm around her, because it would go right over her head. And the blood magic... it was incredibly foolish. But still, she was a sweet girl with a big heart. After we completed the amulet ritual, we discovered the Flemeth had been inside the amulet the whole time. That witch, what would have happened to her if I just kept the amulet to myself? Where would she be now? Merrill bowed to her feet, clearly the Dalish worshipped her.

Merrill's keeper had requested that I lead Merrill to her new home in Lotown. It appeared that she was leaving her clan, which many of the elves seemed none too pleased about. We took her to Lotown and showed her around. She was dismayed at how her new home looked, but I promised her I would visit soon to make sure she got settled in.

Another time, when I went to visit Varric at his suite in The Hanged Man, a pub located in Lotown, I met a woman named Isabela. She was in the middle of a fight between several men. I was about to step in to help her, but it was clear she did not need any. She was a voluptuous woman, and she definitely dressed to show off her figure. She knocked out all the men who attacked her, with what seemed to be no effort at all. I was impressed. She told me she was Captain Isabela, a pirate who was stranded here because her ship was wrecked. She was stuck in Kirkwall, which was something I could sympathise with.

I later helped her resolve an issue with a man named Hayder. She had arranged to have a duel with him, but was afraid he would not play fair and needed some back up. I had Varric, Carver, and Anders tag along. Isabela was right, they had outnumbered her by many, and she surely would have been defeated without our help. She thanked me and let me know she could help us out if we needed her.

Very quickly after meeting the pirate, it was quite known that she was very experienced in the matter of love. And no, I don't mean flowers and chivalry type of love. She loved to bed both men and women, sometimes at the same time, and frequently. She had no shame in her promiscuity, and the topic of sex came up every time we were with her. I had admired her, both her mind and her body. She had the perfect hour glass figure, and I would never imagine wearing the type of outfits she chose. But it suited her well, and I enjoyed her company.

One day, we were walking along the Wounded Coast, a shore where many thugs and bandits liked to attack passersby. We were leaving after clearing out an area of these miscreants, when Anders spoke up.

"I keep thinking I know you from somewhere..." he pointed to Isabela.

"You're Fereldan, right? Ever spend time at the Pearl?" she asked him.

"That's it! You used to really like that girl with the griffon tattoos, right? What was her name?"

"The Lay Warden?"

"That's right! I think you were there the night I— "

"Oh! Were you the runaway mage who could do that electricity thing? That was nice... "

"Please stop talking. Now." I demanded. I could not stand the thought that Anders had once bedded Isabela, the thought made my head hurt. I kept waking ahead of them, looking down. Despite being insanely jealous, my interest had been piqued again. Electricity thing? So that means in bed, he uses electricity to pleasure a woman. Now I was even more curious about him. Damn Isabela, you just had to open your mouth again, didn't you? I needed a distraction. If I couldn't be with Anders, even if just for a night, I needed a new diversion. All this time being spent in his presence, knowing I could never have him, it was driving me mad. I needed something new to focus on. Little did I know, I would find it sooner than later.

I returned home one afternoon to one of Gamlen's foul moods, as if he was ever in a good one.

"Bloody hell girl, another letter came for you. You get more damned letters than I do."

"Jealous of my new found popularity, Uncle?"

"Bah!" He mumbled and took off in the other room.

I opened the letter on the desk and immediately recognised the writing. It was from Athenril.

"Hawke,

You might be interested in something that's come up. A contact of mine, a fellow by the name of Anso, is asking around for someone competent regarding a job, and I suggested you. He's always paid well, so if I were you, I'd check into it before someone else snaps it up. He said he'll be in the Lotown Bazaar at night."

Just what I needed, a job that would pay well. I had to take this opportunity. That night I gathered Varric, Carver, and Anders to meet up with this Anso. Lotown is a very dangerous place at night, so better to come prepared. The dwarf Anso needed help retrieving property in an house not far by. When we arrived at the location, there was a box, but it was empty. I was beyond annoyed that my time had been wasted. My companions and I left the house, only to see eight Tevinter Hunters surrounding us. They said they were expecting an elf, but because we were there, they were going to kill us anyways. Not on my watch. I casted a firestorm around the enemies, while Anders shot them with electricity. Varric stayed back, using his crossbow, who he liked to call Bianca. Carver stayed to the front, swinging his sword left and right. It took us awhile, but we cut our way through the hunters. We turned a corner to walk up the steps, when there was another hunter standing before us.

"Lieutenant, I want everyone in the clearing, now!" he yelled. Great, there were others. Just what we needed. A man came staggered out behind him, , blood splattering everywhere. "Captain," he gasped out, then fell to the ground, dead. Out from the corner stepped a very tall, very attractive elf. He had white hair, the colour of snow, and piercing hazel eyes. His body was marked with strange tattoos everywhere.

"Your men are dead, and your trap has failed. I suggest running back to your master while you can."

"You're going nowhere slave!" The hunter yelled and grasped onto the elf's shoulder. He whipped around and lunged his hand right through the hunter's chest, ripping out his heart in one swift movement. The man quickly fell over. "I am not a slave," muttered the elf. He came over, to thank us for our help. We were all intrigued. His name was Fenris, a former Tevinter slave. He had escaped his former master, a powerful Magister named Danarius, and now was being hunted down. He hired Anso to provide a distraction, which is what we were hired for. I asked him if his tattoos had anything to do with this Danarius.

"Yes, I imagine I must look strange to you. I did not receive these marking by choice. Even so, they have served me well. Without them, I would still be a slave." Well, that explained how he was able to rip that hunter's heart out.

"You didn't need to lie to get my help," I said. I was irritated at first that it was a deception, but after hearing Fenris' story, I felt bad for him. It was clear he had a rough life, and needed my assistance. I for one, would not turn him away, after hearing the story of his escape. Of course, it helped that he was so nice to look at.

"That remains to be seen." Fenris explained that his former master was in the city. He said he needed our help, and that he would repay us somehow. "Please, I am not used to asking for help, but I am asking now. Danarius will never stop hunting me. This is my only chance. I cannot do it without you."

We agreed to accompany him to a mansion in Hightown, where he would be staying. When we arrived at the mansion, much to Fenris' dismay, Danarius already fled the scene. But, without saying, he left all kinds of abominations and demons in his place. We fought for a good hour, and by the end of it, I was exhausted. Anders and I both needed to take several mana potions to keep ourselves able to keep casting spells. I was overjoyed when it was over. Fenris had taken off before we did, telling us we could loot the house for valuables. I found a few items I would be able to trade in for gold the next day. At least we wouldn't be leaving empty handed.

As soon as we left the mansion, I heard Fenris' voice again. He was standing at the corner, waiting for us.

"It never ends. I escaped a land of dark magic only to have it hunt me at every turn. It is a plague burned into my flesh and soul. And now, I find myself in the company of even more mages."

"Ah, here it comes," Anders remarked sarcastically. Fenris took a few steps closer to me.

"I saw you casting spells inside. I should have realised sooner what you really were. I'm not blind. I know magic has its uses, and there are undoubtedly mages with good intentions. But even the best intentioned mage can fall prey to temptation, and then their power is a curse to inflict upon others."

"Considering all the curses inflicted on us, I'd say it's an even trade," Anders said in a calm matter this time.

"I imagine I appear ungrateful. If so, I apologize, for nothing could be further from the truth. I did not find Danarius, but I still owe you a debt. Here is all the coin I have, as Anso promised. Should you find yourself in need of assistance, I would gladly render it." He handed me over the coin. I asked him why Danarius wanted to capture him so desperately, it seemed a whole lot of work for just one slave.

"He doesn't want me at all, just the markings on my skin. They are lyrium, burned into my flesh to provide the power that Danarius required of his pet. Now, he wishes his precious investment returned, even if he must rip it from my corpse." This poor man, I was so relieved I had helped him, even if it got him nowhere. I know he needed a friend to turn to, and I was willing to be that friend, maybe more. Something about him had me intrigued. What was it with me, and men with dark pasts?

"Seems like a waste of a perfectly handsome elf," I joked, to lighten to atmosphere after such a dismal talk. Fenris let out a chuckle, but stopped himself quickly. He told us he would be staying at the mansion, as it was abandoned for now. After that, we all went our separate ways.

I lay awake that night, worried for Fenris. Was leaving him at that mansion alone such a good idea? What if Danarius came back? I had to check on him to make sure he was okay. I knew it was dangerous getting there on my own, but I was determined. Thankfully, I was undetected by any thugs that were in the area.

I walked up the steps to the mansion and took a deep breath. It was very late, and I didn't want to disturb him in case he were safe and in bed. Well, I didn't come all the way here for nothing, I thought to myself. I knocked on the door a few times. A moment later, Fenris peeked out from behind the door.

"H..Hawke? What are you doing here at this hour?" I suddenly felt foolish.

"Oh, Fenris, I just wanted to check on you, make sure you were safe."

"Yes, I am well. Come on in, it's not safe for you to be out at this hour." I entered the house that we had battled in, not more than 4 hours prior. Fenris lead me up the stairs to take a seat with him. He grabbed a bottle of wine to pour for us. He went on to tell me how Danarius used to make him pour wine at events for his guests, because his appearance frightened them, which Danarius enjoyed.

"I can't imagine why they would be put off," I said, and I genuinely meant it. I had never found myself attracted to an elf before, but Fenris was different. And those markings, something about them had me mesmerised. Fenris smiled at me, his hazel eyes softening.

"You say what's on your mind, I'll give you that." Fenris and I sat together, and discussed our previous lives. I told him of my life in Fereldan, and my family. He discussed the horrible tasks that Danarius would have him perform, and the torture he endured. His memory had been wiped clean, the first memory he had was of him getting the lyrium branded into his skin. Everything before that he could not remember. For the past three years, he had been on the run. I was beginning to really understand why he had such a distaste for mages. And yet, here I was sitting with him, drinking his wine, and conversing for hours. Maybe I would be able to change his mind, and show him not all mages are dangerous.

"If you're looking to start a life, you could stay."

"I could see myself staying, for the right reasons." Everything in this statement was so suggestive, so alluring. I couldn't help but blush. He caught on to this and chuckled, and poured me another glass of wine.

"Had I known Anso would find me a woman so capable, I might have asked him to look sooner."

"Maybe I should be thanking Anso."

"Maybe you should."

It was soon dawn, and it was safe enough for me to return home on my own. I thanked Fenris for his hospitality, and he thanked me for my concern for his well being. As I left the mansion, the sun was coming up, and the merchants were already getting their wares ready for the day. A smile remained on my face the entire walk home. Things were starting to look up. I embraced this change readily, as I was ready to move on with my life.


	3. A celebration at The Hanged Man

**Authors notes: Surprise, surprise. Onto my own dialogue/events now, hurray! This chapter is short and sweet, as all my main plot ideas happen in act 2 & 3, and this was just a silly way to end Act 1. Enjoy!**

Home at last. It's been a month I left Kirkwall for the expedition, and I can hardly wait to tell mother that our fortune is back. Six weeks ago, Carver and I discovered our grandparent's will. Turned out that Gamlen was a liar and a sneak, my Grandparents had forgiven Mother and left everything to her name. After they died, Gamlen had racked up such a debt that he sold the estate to save his hide from the debt collectors. The estate was my mothers. She was so happy to discover that her parents did not hate her after all, but getting the estate back was not going to be easy, again, we needed money.

I had finally gathered the 50 gold that I needed to hire onto Bartrand's expedition. When it came down to it, I was allowed to bring two other companions with me, aside from Varric. Carver was adamant in joining. Mother begged me to leave him behind. She was terrified of having no children left if something should go wrong, so I left him. He was furious with me, to say the least. He called me names, and said he was tired of following in my footsteps. His pride was clearly hurt, but I needed to do what was best, despite how he would feel about me afterwards.

I brought Anders and Fenris with me instead. Not just because of my raging hormones, mind you. Anders knew the Deep Roads, and his magic was incredibly valuable at times in need. Fenris was a skilled fighter, nothing got past him. I knew they were the best choices, and they gladly aided us.

We discovered a costly statue while we were in there, and Bartrand, the greedy bastard he is, stole it. He locked us down there, so willingly letting his brother and his hirelings die so he could have the treasure all to himself. He didn't get so lucky, it took us a week, but we managed to find our way out. And not empty handed, to say the least. We found more valuables then we could ever hope for. This was my ticket out of that shack in Lotown. I had enough to get Mother's estate back and more to last me throughout the years to come. I don't think I had even been so happy in my entire life.

I practically ran all the way home, eager to tell my family the news. I ran up the steps and swung open the door, and there Carver is, suited up, as a Templar.

"Please, talk some sense into him" Mother yells at me. Not quite the home coming I was expecting.

"Don 'try to talk me out of it, sister. My mind has been made."

"Please tell me this is some sort of elaborate joke."

"It's not. I am tired of being known only as your little brother. That's all I ever will be. I finally have a chance to make a name for myself. To be my own person."

"But, a templar Carver?"

"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. I will not tell them who you really are. Goodbye," and with that, he walked past me and out the front door. My mother fell to her knees, tears running down her face.

"He has no idea how dangerous..." she couldn't finish her sentence, she was sobbing and gasping for air. I knelt down and put my arms around her.

"It's okay Mother. Carver is stronger than you know. He will be alright. I will be here to take care of you."

"Oh darling, I'm so happy you're back. I thought I would never see you again my sweetheart."

I smiled, and lifted her to her feet. "I have some, unexpected news. I think it might help you feel better."

I told her everything. She stared at me in disbelief, and after a few moments, began to cry again. This time, they were tears of joy. We would set a meeting with the Viscount tomorrow, and plead our case. There was no way they could refuse us now that we had the coin. The Amell state was rightfully ours. Gamlen, of course, tried to argue that I should pay him for everything he had done for us, his words, not mine. I reminded him of how he lied to us and made my Mother believe that her parents died hating her and how he sold our Estate in the first place. I informed him if he wanted to take matters before a court, I would be more than happy to let him. Like the cowardly snake he was, he left, muttering about what an ungrateful brat I was. To hell with him I thought, we were finally free of this shack.

It wasn't long before all of my friends heard about our success. Isabela insisted we celebrate my victorious return with a night at The Hanged Man. I needed some fun after a month in that darkspawn infested hole.

"To Hawke!" she exclaimed, and the clinking of mugs went all around the table. There they all were - Isabela, Aveline, Anders, Fenris, Merrill, and Varric. Poor Merrill was having trouble keeping up with the rest of us. Isabela had decided to teach her how to do "body shots". Merrill had never drank before, and her cheeks were flushed with color. She was giggling like crazy before, but now her head was on the table, half passed out.

"Uh oh, looks like Daisy has had a little too much," Varric chuckled. "Any volunteers to help her home?"

"Home? No, she can just use my room, I'll join her later," Isabela said in that seductive voice she used so often.

"You sure that's a good idea?"

"Oh Varric, I was just teasing. She can use my bed for the night. I'll just have to find someone else's' to crash," she laughed, as she took another shot of her rum.

"So Hawke, I imagine you are thrilled to be meeting with the viscount tomorrow."

"Yes Anders, I really hope things work out, for my mother's sake mostly. You have no idea how hard this has been on her."

"You know, the Amell state is just a block or two away from where I am staying," Fenris pointed out. He was actually smiling. I could tell he had been drinking for awhile. He was already at The Hanged Man playing cards with Varric by the time I got there. I blushed at him, unable to look at his glance.

"You mean the mansion that you are staying in illegally? Hah!" Anders glared at Fenris. The two never got along, they both had opposing views on everything it seemed.

"Yes, what of it, mage? I do not need to hide. If my captors want to come for me, let them. I am ready. You on the other hand, hide out in that dank clinic. I'm sure the Templars would love to know of an apostate healer lurking among the refugees."

"Is that a threat, elf? I ought to-"

"Woah, everyone, calm down!" hollered Aveline. Things were about to get nasty.

"We are here to celebrate Hawke's new fortune, not get into childish spats."

Merrill lifted her head finally "Who got spat on? Did I miss it?"

Isabela let out a hearty laugh, and walked over to Merrill, and lifted her up "Come on Kitten, let's get you into bed. You're sleeping in my room tonight." Merrill let out a girlish squeal.

"Really? Will it be like those sleepovers I always hear young human children talking about? Oooh I would love to have a sleepover Isabela! Can we?"

Isabela sighed "Sure Merrill, why not? Okay guys, looks like I'm turning in early tonight. Don't have too much fun without me." She winked.

"We wouldn't dream of it!" I yelled over my shoulder as Isabela and Merrill turned the corner to Isabela's suite. I know if Carver had been here, he would have leaped at the opportunity to bring Merrill back home. It was clear he had a huge crush on her. Carver... I sighed to myself. It would be just Mother and I in that big estate. If only I was able to tell him the news sooner, maybe he would have stayed. No, probably not. He was as stubborn as a mule, and once he had an idea in his head, he always went for it.

"Something the matter, Hawke?" Anders asked, he was now sitting beside me. "If I upset you earlier, I am sorry."

"Oh no Anders, it's not you. I'm just thinking about Carver."

"Oh yes, the new Templar," he said bitterly. "How could he betray you like that, I mean, you're his sister after all."

"That's Carver for you. He always needs to prove something, no matter who gets hurt in the process."

"Are you afraid he'll betray you?"

"No, I don't think he's capable of something like that. He's just trying to show the world he can be his own man. And I guess maybe it was time for him to move on. There was nothing really left for him at home with us."

"And your mother, how is she fairing?"

"Utterly heartbroken, but I think she'll feel a lot better once we move out of Gamlen's"

"No offense Hawke, but your Uncle's place, smells like cabbage." Varric joked. Although, there was a lot of truth to his words.

"Ugh, don't remind me. I have at least one more night there."

"Well, best to get drunk off your ass before going home then. Maybe then you won't notice the smell!"

"Why Varric, you've read my mind."


	4. Reading Lessons

We did it. We convinced the Viscount to grant us the Amell Estate, and mother could not have been happier. For the past three years, we have been living in Hightown. I am still getting used to being considered a noble. After our expedition, two of Bartrand's men, a dwarf named Bohdan and his son Sandal, came to live at the estate. Since then, they have become our "servants", but I hate that word. I like to just call them friends that help around the house, and I commission them with coin. In the Deep Roads, I helped rescue Sandal when he became lost. He is on the slow side, only able to say a few words, but is he ever strong. There is some kind of power inside of him, that even Bohdan himself isn't sure what it quite is, but he can defend himself better than I ever could. Still, I helped return the boy to his father and ever since, Bohdan has insisted with helping my mother and I. I have come to know the both of them as family.

As for Fenris and I, nothing ever became of it. All that flirting, and nothing. He still looks at me as if he longs for my touch, but he has never acted upon anything. The same as Anders. I can't even count how many times I have caught him staring at me, when he thinks I am not paying attention. But then, anytime I have tried to reach out to either of them, they refuse to be anything more than friends. I have started to think that there must be something wrong with me that displeases them. Am I too muscular now, from fighting so much? Have I acquired too many scars from battles almost lost? Or is it that I am a noble now, and they wish to remain unseen, Anders because he is a mage healer, and Fenris, hiding from Danarius? I just don't know.

I did consider turning my efforts elsewhere. There is a man we met a few years ago, a Prince actually...named Sebastian. His whole family was slaughtered, and he wanted to find the culprits and bring them to justice. He hired me and we avenged him family's deaths. But alas, he has sworn himself to the Chantry now, and is chaste. Such a shame, those piercing blue eyes, and that Starkhaven accent and the way the words roll off of his tongue, I know that he could have been a lot of fun. I started to ache from the lack of a man's touch for so long, I almost debated on joining Isabela for a night at The Blooming Rose, the local whore house. Almost. I wasn't so desperate yet, I knew the place was probably crawling with diseases, and Isabela often went to Anders to get potions to rid her of whatever ailment she had caught that month. Isabela was not a desperate woman. She was as beautiful as they come, but she had no limits. Some thought it strange that a woman would look for thrills at a whore house, but it is something we grew to embrace about the pirate. She looked at these men and women as new conquests, and wanted to enjoy as many as she could get her hands on. I am no prude by any means, but I like to have a connection with a person before I bed them.

I had taken the night off from my duties to Kirkwall to spend time with my dear friend Fenris. Friends, that was all we were, with constant flirting. It was better than nothing, but I still had hoped we could one day become more. I had a surprise for him. The other day while at the Lotown market, I came across a merchant who had a book of Shartan. Shartan helped free the slaves, and I thought of him as soon as I saw it. I hoped he liked it.

Before I left, I went into my mother's room to pick out a perfume to wear. I have never been overly girlish, but my mother sure knew her perfume. She had dozens of bottles, and she had very expensive taste. Even when we were in hiding in Fereldan, and low on coin, my Father had always managed to lavish my mother with luxurious perfumes. I went over to the shelf, and immediately reached for my favorite. She had ones that were fragranced of jasmine, honeysuckle, red osmanthus, lavender, and lilac. But my choice was vanilla and sandalwood. I sprayed it over my décolleté, and took in the aroma. Absolutely heavenly. Not that he would even notice...but there was no harm in trying, was there?

I became increasingly anxious as I approached his house. Despite nothing ever coming of our flirting and teasing, I still adored him and longed for something more.

I opened the door to his mansion when he did not answer. "Fenris?" I called out. I heard him swearing in Arcanum, his native tongue. "Fasta vass! Hawke...do come in."

I immediately smelled charred mutton, and laughed. Was he trying to cook for himself again? "Having trouble, Fenris?" I laughed more and approached his kitchen, where, as I had guessed, was burnt meat, still aflame. He managed to get it out, and I was all giggles.

"I, I am sorry. I was hoping I would be able to prepare a meal for you, for once. It seems I am insufficient in the matter of cooking." I often came over with food that either I or mother had made. I knew he did not have a lot of life skills that most are taught young, as he lived a life in slavery. He was never permitted to cook, as his main task was that of a body guard to his former master Danarius. Such menial tasks where left to slaves that were not Danarius', but belonged to apprentices of his, such as a woman named Hadriana. So, I offered to help him as much as time had permitted me. I gave him a few lessons here and there, but it really seemed he was a lost cause. No matter how simplistic the recipe, it always ended up in flames.

"Well, that was sweet of you. You really didn't have to."

He gave me a smile, and handed me a glass of wine. "Looks like we will be having stale bread tonight. I am sorry, Hawke."

"It's fine. Actually, I have something for you myself." I reached out and handed the gift over to him, desperately hoping he would approve.

"It...it's a book." He said matter of factly, and I was instantly disappointed. I knew this was a foolish idea.

"It's a subject you're familiar with. The book is by Shartan, the elf who helped Andraste free the slaves. You know about him, right?"

"A little. It's just.." he paused, and I could tell he was hesitating, debating whether to tell me something or not. He continued "Slaves are not permitted to read. I've never learned." I could tell he was embarrassed, and I wanted to reach out and comfort him. So badly I wanted to caress his hands, kiss them, and tell him he needn't fear my judgement. I looked deeply into his hazel eyes and smiled.

"It's not too late to learn Fenris."

"Isn't it? Sometimes I wonder. I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I do appreciate the thought. I've always wanted to learn more of Shartan. Perhaps this is my chance."

"Well, let me help you then. I don't mind. Honestly."

"Culinary lessons, and now reading lessons Hawke? You don't find me a lost cause?"

"Not at all."

"Surely you'd rather spend your evenings doing things other than teaching an ex slave tasks most would learn in childhood. You have such a busy schedule, I don't understand why you would want to waste what little leisurely time you have to yourself with me."

"Nonsense Fenris. Any time spent with you is time I cherish." I said the words without thinking them through. He gazed at me, and would not cast away his glance. He was tracking my face for any traces of sarcasm, and when he saw me blushing, he chuckled to himself.

"You're a beautiful woman Hawke. Is there no one else who has your attention?"

"Do you see anyone else here?"

"I'm an escaped slave and an elf, living in a 'borrowed' mansion. None of those things bother you?"

"And I'm an apostate refugee, does that bother you?" I challenged him. Did I really want to know? He despised magic and mages alike. Yet he always seemed to cast aside those hate filled feelings for my sake. What if this was the real reason he didn't want me?

"You have me there. You raise an interesting point. I'll have to consider it."

I had spent another hour or so with him, before deciding to return home for the night. I got up to leave, but as I reached for the door, he spoke again.

"Hawke?"

"Yes Fenris?"

"You smell delightful."

Over the next few weeks, I would go to Fenris' mansion in the evenings, when he wasn't drinking at The Hanged Man with Varric, to help him learn to read. There was something so alluring about it. Here he was, a grown man, and so curious about literature. He had a child like interest, and it seemed to bring out the maternal side in me. There were times when we would sit side by side, and I would read to him from the book of Shartan. I admit, not the best book for a beginner, but it was the gift I bought for him, and he so desperately wanted to learn more on the subject. I would trace my fingers under the words as I read them aloud. He would sometimes be so close to me, I would feel his warm breath on my skin, and it would make me quiver with anxiety. Our faces would be so close, I wanted nothing more than to feel his breath on my lips, flesh on flesh, embracing each other's lips with the passion that had lingered between us for over three years.

There was a moment where his fingers touched mine, when he asked me about a certain word. We glanced at each other, and there was no doubt in my mind, that there was definitely something between us. I could feel my heart racing as he stared at me, and I had to turn away. I wish I could get over my modesty and just pounce on the man, but how would he react? I couldn't take the rejection, and he hadn't said anything about my flirting a few weeks prior. He said he would consider it, but nothing has happened. I was so tired of this waiting game. Finally he spoke.

"It is getting late Hawke, and I tire from all this reading. Could we continue another day?"

"Sure, if that's what you'd like." I felt like saying, I know a much better way of tiring you out elf, but again, my heart was filled with disappointment.

"Will you be joining everyone for drinks at The Hanged Man tomorrow?"

"Why, did you want me to come?"

"It wouldn't be the same without you." He smiled, and his eyes became soft.

"Very well, see you tomorrow night Fenris."

As I walked down the street back to my house, I became confused. He looked at me like he wanted me, his body language said he wanted me, so why wait? Tomorrow I would get my answer, even if I had to beat it out of the elf. No, violence wasn't the answer to this problem, Hawke. I smiled, as a thought came to me. Why hadn't I thought of it before? It was so simple. Isabela. I would get help from her. Who better to help me then the queen of love herself?


	5. A Hawke and a Whore

**Authors notes: No smut yet, but it is starting to heat up! Smut will be in the next few chapters, I promise. If you like what you've been reading, leave a review :-) Thanks!**

"Oh you tease you, spit it out already!" Isabela was standing in my bedroom. I had told her that I needed her advice on an urgent matter before we went to The Hanged Man. I looked down, unable to form the words. What was I supposed to say, that for the life of me I couldn't seem to get a man to take interest in me, when she was bedding them left and right?

"This wouldn't have anything to do with those two gorgeous men you constantly undress with your eyes, does it?"

"Maker, am I that obvious?"

Isabela let out a chuckle "Sweet thing, I don't blame you. Anders and his toned body, and Fenris, and those markings. You know what they say about tall, lean men; they're proportionate...everywhere. Mmmm..." she practically purred. Sex just oozed from this woman. I really needed to know her secrets.

"Yes, well, Anders made it clear years ago that he and I could never be, and Fenris, well, I can't get him to make a move."

"Have you ever thought of making the first move yourself?" Oh, but I had. Many, many times. I couldn't get him out of my head. Every night before I finally dozed off, I thought of what it would be like to march right over to his mansion, kick open the door, and confess my love for him, and have him make love to me all night long, until the sun was coming up. Love, was that what this even was? I had never been in love before. I'd spent the past three years obsessing over Fenris, and wasn't able to move on.

"What if he rejects me?"

"Hawke, with legs like yours, no man would ever reject you. You just need to, show em' off a little more. Accentuate your features. Give him your best doe eyed pout. And, a little alcohol never hurt anyone."

"I don't exactly have the most appealing wardrobe. I do need an update." I confessed.

"Well then, we better get to my place fast. I have a lot of work to do!"

We both went over to her room at The Hanged Man a few hours prior to our scheduled meet up. Varric was already there, ordering a drink from the barmaid.

"Here already Hawke? Missing Bianca so soon?" he teased.

"No time to talk Varric, Hawke and I have a very important meeting," joked Isabela, pulling my hand towards her room, in a quick pace. Varric stood there, staring at me wide eyed.

"Oh no, not you too Hawke, don't tell me you're letting the pirate queen get into your robes?"

"Varric! I'm shocked at you!"

"Oh, be still my heart. You might break it, Hawke," Isabela said, leading me to her room.

An hour and a half later, and she was finally done prepping me. I stood in front of her mirror, mouth ajar. Was that really me? She had wet my hair and curled it with her fingers. It was short but now had a beautiful wave to it, and was much more full. She applied makeup with perfect precision. Crimson red lips with a light eye, and my skin was much more bronzed. And this outfit, I couldn't believe what I was wearing. She had put me in this tight fitting black dress. It was long and elegant, and had a slit on one side that went all the way up to my thigh. She had said that my legs were to die for and I needed to show them off. The dress tied around my neck and had a plunging neckline and a corset waist. Basically, it left very little to the imagination.

"Are you sure I don't look like one of the women who work at The Blooming Rose?"

"Definitely not. You look stunning. In fact, I want to tear that dress right off and ravish you myself. To hell with those boys. They wouldn't have the slightest clue what to do if they did get their hands on you."

I giggled "Oh, but I'm sure you would?"

"You bet." At that very moment there was a knock at the door. Varric stepped inside.

"What's the hold up, everyone's waiting for you g-" he was staring at me, mouth hanging open, eyes wide. I was mortified.

"Woah, Hawke. Taking fashion lessons from Rivaini?"

"I told you it was too much!" I felt so overwhelmed and frustrated, I threw my hands in the air.

"Now Varric, if you were a single, lonely elf, or mage, wouldn't you want to drag this woman to the nearest back alley and take her right there and then?"

"Oh, I see what you're doing here Hawke! Trust me, after those two see you in this, they will be fighting to the death over who will get to take you home. You look good."

"Varric, I'm not some cheap whore that will just give it away to whoever wins a pissing match!" Who was I kidding? I hadn't been with a man in so long, I would take either one of them, no words needed to be exchanged. Damn it pirate, this plan of yours better work! Varric turned the corner, Isabela and I linked arms and were a few steps behind him. There was the whole gang again, busy in a tense game of diamondback. Sebastian was the first to look up.

"Isabela, nice of you to join us. And who is this friend of...H-Hawke?" He stopped. Everyone looked up, and just stared at me. I felt like hiding behind Isabela. What were they thinking? No, I didn't want to know. I looked at Fenris, he glanced from behind his cards and had this intense gaze in his eyes, it was impossible to read him. Perhaps this was why he was a good gambler. And then Anders, he had this huge grin on his face, which only made me blush harder.

"Ooh Hawke, you look so pretty!" exclaimed Merrill, who jumped up and immediately started playing with the material of my dress.

"Would you look at that," said Aveline. "I never thought I'd see the day."

"Now, we just need to work on getting you in a dress, Aveline." Isabela smirked.

"Not on my watch, whore." The two of them were almost as bad as Fenris and Anders, bickering to no end. Almost. I carefully sat down beside Isabela, trying not to lean forward too much. I was terrified I would spill out at any moment. But then again, maybe that wouldn't be such a terrible thing. Damn this modesty of mine.

Drinks were being passed around left and right. I was a terrible card player so most rounds I just watched and laughed. Soon, all my reservation went right out the window. I was having the time of my life with my dear friends. Every now and then, I would catch Fenris sneak a peek from behind his cards. And every time I caught him, he quickly looked away. Anders, on the other hand, made it much more obvious. He shot me smiles constantly, and it seemed like he was paying more attention to me then he was to the game.

"Where is that bar maid now?" Aveline demanded. "I ordered my drink almost a half hour ago."

"I'll get it," Fenris said, and got up from his seat. Before he left the table, he leaned down to me. His mouth was right at my ear, and all the hair on my neck stood up.

"You have no idea what you are doing to me, in that dress of yours. Are you purposely trying to make me loose all my coin?" His breath was warm on my skin, and it made my loins tingle. I looked up at him as he walked down the stairs to retrieve our round of drinks. I turned to Isabela and she snickered.

"Oh, I heard every word. You, my dear girl, are going to be in his bed tonight." That confirmation put a huge smile across my face, and Isabela laughed.

"What's so funny over there ladies?" Anders asked, amused.

"Oh, nothing you'd care to know, Blondie." replied Varric, on the other side of me. Damn, he heard too. I was so damn nervous, I felt as if I were some teenage girl with a ridiculous crush. Isabela could tell.

"Here, drink some of this." she handed me her whiskey. I downed the drink fast, and cringed. I was never a big fan of hard liqueur.

"Woah, easy now." she joked. Fenris arrived with our drinks and sat across from me. He now made it very apparent, that he wanted me. His intense gaze never left me, it scared me a little. He had such longing, such lust in his eyes, but he barely spoke a word to me. I was downing more drinks, trying to make myself at ease. I could feel the intoxication hit me, but I hadn't a care in the world. Tonight, I would have the elf inside me, I was damned sure of it. I leaned over to Isabela again.

"How should I seduce him?" It was a stupid question, I know, how hard could it possibly be to turn on any man? But it had been so long since I had been with anyone. And I had never been with someone as intense as Fenris. Isabela leaned over to me and whispered "With foreplay of course. You could start now. Do you want to get him really worked up?"

"Maker, yes."

"Then follow my lead, whatever I do, go with it. Do you trust me, sweet thing?"

"Yes."

Isabela now reached her hand to my shoulder and lightly grazed me with her gentle touch. "Oh Hawke, you have the most beautiful, soft, skin. I am so jealous. It's perfect, and so smooth." She said, quite loudly. I looked up, yep, we had everyone's attention now. Fenris' eyes followed where Isabela's hand travelled. I smiled, I was loving it now. She slowly moved her hand across my shoulder onto my bare chest and stopped above my cleavage. Her touch tingled, and bumps appeared all over my skin.

"Ooh, and I love how you curve right here. Who knew under all those robes you would have such a curvy, womanly figure."

"Oh Isabela, I've got nothing compared to you."

"Not true, not true. I would kill for these long legs," she was not running a hand along my leg. I quivered slightly, sensitive to being touched right there. Not only would this be foreplay to anyone watching, but it certainly served as foreplay to myself as well.

"Is..is this really happening, or am I dreaming again?" I heard Anders ponder aloud.

"Quiet Blondie, you're ruining the magic." Varric chuckled. "I knew when you two walked in the bar, holding hands, something was going on."

"Tomorrow, I'm going to be spending the entire day in the Chantry, praying for Maker knows how long," mumbled Sebastian.

"You all be quiet!" Isabela snapped at them "There is nothing, any man has, that would interest me more than these lush, full, lips," and with that, her mouth was on mine. In my intoxicated state, it took me a second to comprehend what was happening. I tried to pull away at first, but she had a grip on the back of my head. I now understood, this was supposed to show Fenris that I was desirable, in some way or the other. I returned her kiss, and her tongue invaded my mouth. Her chest was heaving into mine, and she was lightly moaning. She sucked on my bottom lip, and finally, in a light biting motion, pulled away.

"Oh, that looks like fun! Can I have a turn next?" exclaimed Merrill.

"Daisy, I don't think Hawke is a ride, you can't just stand in line and wait for a turn." Varric was almost in stitches from Merrill's question.

"No, it would take a very special person to claim Hawke's attention, and I so happen to know there is indeed a line, waiting to claim her heart. It would be an awful shame should someone miss their opportunity."

I turned over for the first time to see Fenris, red in the face. He was staring at me, but, it did not seem to be lust, or longing in his eyes now. He looked angry, hurt, like he wanted to throw something at Isabela. Shit, no no no, this was not supposed to happen. Damn it, why did I listen to Isabela. Why did I let her kiss me? Maker, why did I drink so much? Oh no, no I was going to be sick. I quickly got up and ran down the steps, and out the door.

"Hawke!" I heard Isabella yell. As soon as I was outside, I started retching. Isabela and Varric were at my side in a second.

"Shit!" Isabela exclaimed, rubbing my back. "You know, when I said a little alcohol never hurt anyone, I didn't mean to drink the whole bar dry."

"You sure know how to hold your liquor, don't you Hawke!" Varric was once again laughing.

"Oh, shut it Varric, this isn't funny!" She snapped at him.

"Sure it is, or it will be later."

"Here, help me get her inside she needs to lie down." I felt so dizzy, and my insides hurt. I felt myself being lifted up, but I couldn't tell who. I felt strong arms around me, holding me close, and carrying me into the bar. I heard the noise of the patrons again, and the loud music.

"I'll get her water," I heard Isabela say from my left, it was not her who carried me.

"Here, let her rest in my bed." I heard Varric, on my right. He wasn't holding me either. A door opened, and I was laid down on the bed. I saw white hair and hazel eyes above me, and soft hands stroke my cheek.

"Sleep now." Fenris commanded, and I did just that.


	6. Hawke and Fenris love scene

**Author's Notes: Good news, first smut scene has arrived. It is the very first time I have written any smut, so please let me know what you guys think. Thanks!**

I awoke with a splitting headache. I looked around the room, trying to recollect my thoughts. Where was I? Oh, right. Varric's room. I wish I was one of those drunks who forgot everything when they awoke, but unfortunately for me, I remembered every last detail. Had Fenris really put me to bed last night? I felt utterly embarrassed for my actions the prior night. Never again would I listen to Isabela. I stood up and realised I was still in Isabela's dress and was now hanging out of it. Lovely. I adjusted myself and walked over to her room. She was not around so I let myself in and changed into my usual attire.

I walked down the steps to the main area of the pub and noticed Isabela and Varric at a table drinking. Had they even gone to bed? Next time I will remind myself that drinking with these two was never a good idea, there was no chance I could ever keep up. The blighted lushes! I walked over to the duo, and cleared my throat.

"Hawke! You're awake." Isabela put her arm around me. Her cheeks were flushed and her hair a bit of a mess. "How you feeling"

"Ugh, like I slept with my head in a vice all night. Did you two even get any sleep?"

"Well, since my bed was preoccupied with two love birds, I crashed in Isabela's. Didn't need to even ask, it was empty. She spent the night with one of Aveline's guardsmen." Varric nudged her. Lovebirds, what on earth was he going on about.

"What do you mean by "love birds', Varric?"

"What, you didn't know?" Isabela started. "Fenris spent the entire night with you. It was actually very sweet. I went to check up on you a few times and I caught him holding you and stroking your hair. He caught me though and gave me the shifty eyes. Men, they can't stand being caught showing their emotions."

My heart leap, and I wanted to cry with joy. Fenris had laid with me all night. I slept, in his arms. Oh, if only I hadn't drank so much, I wish I could have been awake to enjoy his touch, feel his heart beating against my touch. I was smiling, probably looking like a damned fool, and I didn't care.

"Now there's a smile no man could turn down. Why don't you stop by his place, Hawke? I'm sure you two have lots to talk about."

"Talk, what nonsense is that, dwarf? I bet they'll be rutting til tomorrow when the sun comes out!" I sure hoped Isabela was right, now was the time to tell him how I felt. It was obvious that he felt the same. Maybe he even loved me, as I did him.

"I'll see you two later."

"Are you sure you don't want to wear the dress again?"

"Thanks Isabela, but I think I'll be fine without it."

"Alright then. I want every last delicious, juicy detail when you're done. Go get him."

I practically ran all the way to Hightown. I didn't care that my hair was a mess, or that I had remnants of the makeup on from last night slightly smeared over my face. I had to see him. I got up to his door, and paused for a minute, catching my breath. The door was unlocked, so I quietly slipped in. I wanted to surprise him. I could hear him in the hallway, and I was astounded at the sound coming from him. He was singing, softly, in Arcanum. Quite beautifully I might add. I had no idea that this serious, brooding man ever sang, and every note that left his lips was more delightful then the last. His singing voice was much different then his low, monotonic speaking voice. It was higher, much softer, and very comforting. Now I felt a little embarrassed to have let myself in. I'm sure he didn't want me hearing this vulnerability in him, but at the same time, I was glad I did. I quietly walked back to the front door, this time closing it loudly, so he knew I had come in. He quickly cleared his throat, and ran out to me, sword drawn.

"Fenris, it's just me."

"Hawke, what are you doing here?" He lowered his sword, and had a puzzled look upon his face.

"I, uh, just wanted to come by, and thank you, for taking care of me last night."

"It was nothing. You are my friend, and you were not well. Any of your companions would have done the same for you."

"Would just anyone lay in bed with me all night?" He cleared his throat again and looked away.

"I..."

"Fenris, why did you leave? I wouldn't have known you were there with me if it weren't for Isabela."

"That damn pirate can't keep her nose where it belongs can she?" He looked aggravated and flustered. Why must he be so difficult and closed off to me?

"It's okay Fenris, I'm glad it was you who laid in bed with me. It is something I regret not being sober for. I wish I could remember it." I slowly paced my way over to him, and raised my hand to lay it on his chest. I could feel his hard muscles under the casual attire he was wearing, and there I felt it, his heart. It was racing at my touch, and as I looked up into those beautiful mossy eyes, he stared down at me, only for a moment. I saw what seemed to be fear, but why? He quickly turned away, and stepped backwards from me.

"What's wrong?"

"I, I don't want to hurt you Hawke."

"Why do you think you would hurt me? I'm a big girl Fenris."

"You do not know who I am. I don't even know who I am. Anything before receiving these cursed markings, I do not remember. I can't remember if I have ever been with a woman before. All I remember is Danarius, forcing himself upon me. Making me do things, I dare no speak of. The act of...intimacy, was something I dreaded every nightfall. I do not know how, or even if I can enjoy it, and I do not wish to burden you with such things." He looked pained by his words, avoiding eye contact with me. It hurt me to hear of his past life. This was a man I cared deeply about, and I hadn't considered that Danarius had forced himself on Fenris. Now I was starting to understand why he was so distant. It wasn't because he didn't find me desirable. It was the very opposite. He was scared because he did desire me. I reached out and held his hand.

"Fenris, look at me." He slowly looked up, and I could see that he was holding back tears.

"I am willing to wait until you are ready. We don't have to jump into bed now. Whether it be few days, a week, or months from now, I am here, for you. I care about you. Very much."

"Nobody has cared about me before, it is a feeling that is alien to me. Even after I escaped from Danarius, there has been no one. I never stayed anywhere long, so who could I trust? I didn't think I needed anyone, or wanted anyone... until now."

He finally smiled at me, and it was a genuine smile. It was his turn to be the one blushing now and that made me laugh.

"Perhaps this is what it means to have a friend."

"It might mean more than that." I said, hopefully.

"I have never allowed anyone too close. When my markings were created, the pain was extraordinary. But, the memory lingers. You are unlike any woman I have ever met. With you, it might be different."

"We could find out." He grabbed onto me, and held me in his arms. I lay there, listening to his heart beat. I could feel him lower his head to my hair, and he breathed in deep, taking in my scent. I looked up at him, and gazed into his eyes.

" You have a lovely singing voice." His smile quickly dropped and he let go of me.

"You heard me singing?"

"Yes, please don't be embarrassed. Why didn't you tell me you could sing?"

"I wasn't sure it would be something you'd care to know. I'm not even sure how I know the words to the song. It is something that I hear in my own mind from time to time, and the notes, they just seem to escape my lips."

"Possibly something from your past?

"Perhaps. I will never know."

"Well, we can work on that. Together. And even if we can't piece it together, we can start on your future." He took my hands into his, and I shivered at his touch.

"I would like that very much Marian."

Later that week, Fenris, Aveline, Anders and I were on our way to the Wounded Coast. We had some matters of the Qunari to deal with. The Qunari are a horned race. Well, most of them are anyways. Elves and humans can become Qunari, if they follow the ways of the Qun, which is their religion. They have been stranded in Kirkwall without a ship for a few years now, and refuse to leave. They claim that someone has stolen something of great value to them, and until they get it back, they remain here. The tension with their leader, the Arishok, and the Viscount has grown recently. He fears the Qunari will want bloodshed if their problem is not soon resolved. So there we were, heading our way to the Wounded Coast, on yet another mission to deal with the beasts. Unfortunately for us, he Qunari would be the least of our problems. Had I known what was to come, I would have left Fenris behind.

An arrow show down in front of my feet, and we all halted. I looked up on the cliff beside us, and there they were, the Tevinter Hunters that Fenris had been on the run from. I had not encountered any since meeting Fenris that night years ago, but now, they had returned.

"Stop right there!" One of the hunters yelled from above. "You are in possession of stolen property. Back away from the slave and you will be spared."

"Fenris is a free man!" I screamed out at him. I could feel the blood inside of me boiling.

"I won't repeat myself. Back away from the slave now!"

"I am not your slave!" Fenris' marking were now glowing, his wrath unable to be controlled at this point. These hunters had no idea who they were up against. The hunters jumped down and were now upon us. I casted paralysis around the leader of them, and Fenris impaled him with his sword. Anders froze a few of the others and Aveline took care of them. Blood splattered the ground, and the hunters were defeated. One lay on the ground, and we noticed him fidgeting. Fenris demanded to know who had sent them. He found out from the man that it was Hadriana, Danarius' apprentice. Fenris mentioned her before. She used to torment and torture him. She had once starved him for nearly a week and had deprived him of any sleep.

Once we had gotten the information on her whereabouts, Fenris showed the man no mercy, even as he begged for his life to be spared. With one swift movement, he snapped the man's neck, and none of us could blame him.

Hadriana was holding out in a cave not far from where we were. She had made reaching her less than easy, the cave was full of demons and abominations. We came across human sacrifices, and once again, I could understand his hatred towards my kind. These were the worst possible example of blood mages, the reason why Templars were so vigilant with the circle. We entered a room, to see a trembling young elf. She was about eighteen years old. Her hair blonde, and pulled up into a bun. She trembled as we approached her. She told us her name was Orana. Hadriana had been killing all of her slaves, including Orana's father. She was frightened, and crying. This poor girl had been a slave her whole life and knew not of how wrong this was. She defended Hadriana, and asked us not to hurt her.

"The magister, she said she needed power. That someone was coming to kill her." She sobbed. "Everything was fine until today."

"It wasn't." Fenris spoke calmly to her. He understood all too well how she was feeling. "You just didn't know any better." Orana approached Fenris.

"Are you my Master now?" She asked eagerly.

"No!" He was absolutely repulsed and horrified at the very thought. She began to plead with him.

"But, I can cook, I can clean. What else will I do?" It was obvious that this girl would not last on her own in the real world. Without someone's help, she would no doubt fall into slavery again.

"If you go to Kirkwall, I can help you. Find your way to the Amell estate, that is where I live."

"Yes? Oh praise the Maker, thank you!" She exclaimed, and ran off, as if she were afraid I would change my mind. As soon as she was out of sight, Fenris stared and me and growled through his teeth.

"I didn't realise you were in the market for a slave." He spat.

"I gave her a job, Fenris. I am going to pay her, as a servant, not force her as a slave. I probably just saved her life." His face suddenly dropped the angry demeanor it had a moment prior as this information sunk in.

"Ah..then...that's good. My apologies. Let's find Hadriana and be done with this place."

When we finally found Hadriana, she was more than prepared. The woman had to be in her early thirties, probably just a little younger than Fenris. She summoned demons left and right, and casted spells that were advanced even for myself. I was increasingly glad I had brought Anders along, as he was more familiar with this kind of magic than I. As soon as we had slain one demon, another took its place. Anders and I were constantly healing our group, as much as we could. Eventually, we proved to be too much for Hadriana, and she tired herself out. Fenris ran up to her as she lay on the ground and was ready to deliver one final blow.

"Stop! You do not want me dead!"

"There is only one person I want dead more." He prepared to lower his sword.

"I have information elf, and I will trade it in return for my life."

"The location of Danarius, what good will that do me? I'd rather he lose his pet pupil."

"You have a sister. She is alive." Hadriana blurted out. "The woman is in the Imperium. You want to know who you were Fenris? Then let me go." Fenris crouched down to her, his face was inches away from his former tormenter's.

"So I have your word? I tell you, and you let me go?"

"Yes, you have my word." He snarled through his teeth, barely able to contain his anger.

"Her name is Varania. She's in Qarinus serving a magister by the name of Ahriman."

"A servant. Not a slave."

"She's not a slave."

"I believe you." Fenris said, his lyrium markings were now aglow, and the horror in Hadriana's eyes gave way that she knew what was about to happen. He plummeted his hand right through her chest, instantly killing her. Her body went limp, as the life drained from her.

"We are done here." Fenris said coldly, walking right past me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Fenris turned around, and stomped towards me.

"No! I don't want to talk about it! This could be a trap, Danarius could have sent Hadriana here to tell me about this sister. Even if he didn't, trying to find her would still be suicide. Danarius has to know about her...has to know that Hadriana knows. But all that matters is that I finally got to crush this bitch's heart. May she rot, and all the other mages with her." I knew he was upset but those words cut me deep.

"And here I thought you were unreasonable," Anders cocked back at him.

Fenris had his back turned to me now. I slowly walked up to him, and put my hand on his shoulder. "Maybe we should leave." He brushed his shoulder away from my touch, as if I were somebody he despised. "Don't comfort me." He walked away, his voice cold as ever. He turned to face me, yet again.

"You saw what was done here. There's always going to be some reason, some excuse why mages need to do this. Even if I found my sister, who knows what the magisters have done to her. What has magic touched that it hasn't spoiled?" Another stab at mages, I didn't know how much more of this I could take. I wanted to tell him that I would never turn on him, that he could always rely on me, that I loved him, but now was not the time. He was beyond furious right now. He looked at me, and I could sense that he realised how his words effected me. He put his blood covered hand to his face and turned from me.

"I... need to go." I watched him walk away, and had to hold myself back from chasing after him. He needed to cool down before we spoke again.

When I arrived back home Orana was already waiting for me. She was ecstatic when I told her she would not be a slave and that I would pay her with coin for helping out around the estate. She seemed like such a sweet girl, and I had hoped she would be able to build a new life for herself now that she was free.

I went to The Hanged Man after I had bathed all of the sweat and blood off of me. I needed to have a drink or two before trying to deal with Fenris. I wanted to be there for him now more than ever, but I wasn't sure he would let me. His hate for mages seemed to grow even deeper, and I was terrified he would cut me out of his life forever. I couldn't stand to wait anymore, I said goodbye to Varric and left for Fenris' mansion.

When I got to his mansion, the door was locked. I banged on the door for what seemed like ages. It was apparent that he was not there, and if he was, he clearly did not want to be bothered. I was wiped out, and decided to just call it a night. Maker knows I would not be able to sleep, but there was nothing more I could do. I slowly walked back home.

I opened my front door to see Fenris sitting on the bench at the entrance. How long had he been waiting for me? As soon as he saw me, he stood up and approached me.

"Fenris?

"I have been thinking of you. In fact I have been able to think of little else. Command me to go, and I shall."

"Don't leave."

"I took out my anger on you, undeservedly so. I was not myself. I'm sorry."

"I had no idea where you went. I was concerned."

"I needed to be alone. When I was still a slave, Hadriana was a torment. She would ridicule me. Because of her status, I was powerless to respond, and she knew it. The thought of her slipping out of my grasp now, I couldn't let her go. I wanted to, but I couldn't. There was this hate deep down inside of me, that I thought I had been rid of for a long time. To experience it all over again, it was too much to bare. Ah, but I didn't come here to burden you further." He turned to walk out the door, and I grabbed him by the arm.

"You don't need to leave Fenris." As soon as I grabbed him, his markings went aglow again. Either my touch had caused his markings to hurt, or something about our talk sparked his anger. Before I know it, he grabbed me, and pinned me against the wall. We were almost nose to nose, his eyes were menacing and he was breathing heavily. His hands were holding my arms to the wall. I was panting, and his markings slowly faded to normal. He suddenly looked terrified, as if he didn't realise what had come over him. Before he could run off, I leaped for him, and assaulted his mouth with my own. His mouth opened readily for mine, inviting my tongue to invade. I grabbed his shoulders, and now it was I who pinned him against the wall. I lifted my hands above his shoulders, pressing them into the wall behind him, leaving his hands free to roam. I sucked on his lower lip, and he grasped my lower back. I leaned into him, my breasts heaved into his strong, muscular chest. I was tingling everywhere, and I could feel an ache in between my legs. Oh how I dreamed of this moment for so long. He lowered his hands, and he was now grabbing at my backside. I softly moaned into his mouth, and I could feel him harden into my legs. Yes, he wanted me just as bad as I wanted him. I would show him that he could enjoy intimacy, enjoy the act of love making. I lowered my hand to his crotch, and grabbed him. He moaned out, and his eyes shut.

"I could take care of this for you, if you'd like." I teased.

"Your bedroom. Now." He demanded. I giggled, and he chased me up the stairs in a playful manner. I loved seeing this side of him. He locked my bedroom door behind him, and pushed me onto my bed. He climbed on top of me, grasping my hands into the mattress so I couldn't move them. He pushed his erection into my legs and I gasped.

"Enjoying yourself?"

"Oh Fenris, I have wanted you for so long."

"Have you now?" He smirked. He lowered his head and kissed me again, trailing his tongue along my ear lobe. He sat up, and looked at me with desire.

"Get rid of your clothes." I eagerly obeyed, letting go of any shyness I might have had. I pulled my tunic over my head, and slipped out of my skirt, and was now left in my small clothes. He did the same with his outer clothes.

"Stand up. Let me see you." He had such a dominant demeanor, I had never been with a man so demanding before. It made me want nothing more than to obey, and fulfill his every desire. A thought occurred to me, the only sex he recalled was him having no say in what happened. This had to be his way of rebelling, his turn to make the calls. Well Fenris, if this is what you want, your wish is my command. I got up off the bed so he could look at my whole body. I suddenly became aware of a few of my battle scars, and blushed.

"You, Marian, are quite the temptress. Show me the rest of you." I reached around and undid my breast band and let it fall to the floor, and I slowly stepped out of my smalls. When I looked up, Fenris had released himself, and was stroking his erection. Isabela was right; tall, lean men, were well proportioned. He had to be at least 9 inches in length. His lyrium markings stretched out all over his body, except for this one tender place.

"Like what you see?" He questioned me.

"Oh yes, very much."

"Then show me. Get on your knees." I got down on my knees in front of him and he stood before me. He held his member in his hand and put it to my face. "Open." He commanded of me, and I did just that. I leaned forward and took the tip into my mouth and closed my lips around it, applying pressure. He moaned deeply, and I became wet instantly. His voice was so erotic. I moved forward, taking as much of him in my mouth as I could, and bobbed my head back and forth. I reached up and gripped him with my right hand, and stroked him as I sucked. My tongue flicked along the underside of him as I took him deeper into my mouth.

"Good girl." He growled out and I moaned into him. I used my other hand to rub his testicles as I sucked. He grabbed the back of my head and pushed it further into him.

"Look up at me." I looked into his eyes, which were narrow and glaring at me. "Keep looking at me while you pleasure me." I quickly moved my head back and forth while jerking him, all the while looking into his eyes. His breath was become quicker now, as I tightened the grip my lips had against him. He reached down, and tweaked my nipples in his fingers, and I moaned even more.

"You are so good, I'm close now." These words only encouraged me more. My tongue swirled all over his swollen tip, and I jerked him up and down. One deep moan, and he was spilling into my mouth. He tasted salty, and the act was so erotic to me. I continued to suck him until no more came from him. He was shuddering and I licked my lips, looking up at him.

"Lie down on your back, it's your turn." I got up onto my bed, and lay back once again, opening my legs for him. He climbed up in between them, and I noticed hesitance in his face. He just sat in front of me with a puzzled look.

"Is everything alright?"

I...yes. It's just, I can't remember doing this before, and I want you to enjoy it." A minute ago, he was so dominant and oozing confidence, and now he was frightened. I looked down at his head in between my legs.

"It's alright Fenris, you don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"No, I want to. Show me, show me how you pleasure yourself." I giggled, as I reached down with my hand, and stroked the inside of my thighs. He imitated me, and lightly caressed my inner thighs, and I gasped. I was so sensitive, having not been touched there in years. I moved a hand over the nub of my sex, and started flicking it lightly with my finger tip.

"Have you ever thought of me, while doing this?" He asked.

"Every night since I met you." He laughed a soft, seductive laugh. He pushed my hand out of the way and replaced it with his finger. He started rubbing my sex with his index finger, copying the movement he had just learned from me. I trembled at his touch.

"Is this alright?"

"Just a bit lighter on the pressure. It's a very sensitive spot."

"Mmm, well, I better use something softer than my fingers." He lowered his head to my sex, and gently glided his tongue from my opening, all the way to the top of my pubic bone. I moaned loudly, as he started sucking on my nub. He slowly reached up and one of his fingers entered me. I unwillingly bucked my hips forward, and he laughed.

"So eager Hawke." He got back to licking my sensitive spot, flicking his tongue quickly back and forth over me. He pushed a second finger into my opening, with a 'come hither' motion, hitting all the right spots. I would not last long at this rate. His tongue ever so softly grazed me, and I couldn't take it anymore. I yelled out, crashing all over his tongue. He lapped up my juices as my orgasm was coming forth, and I grabbed his hair and pushed him forward. The aftershocks of it had me shaking, panting for air. He climbed on top of me, his erection apparent again. Good, the man had stamina. He pinned my arms above my head once more, as he lowered his body onto mine, and with one deep thrust, plunged himself inside of me. I gasped out, his length stretched me out like I had never felt before. It hurt for a moment, but as he withdrew himself, and plunged back inside of me, the pleasure was unbelievable.

"Do you like having me inside you?"

"Yes, I love it Fenris, oh you feel so good." I moaned into his ear.

"Good." He pumped into me, faster now. Holding my hands down so I could not move, he ravaged me with his body. Deeper and faster he went. I was soaking his length with my juices, and he moaned even louder now. I looked up at him, and he had this weird gaze in his eyes, as if he were not quite with me in the moment. "Fenris..?" I asked. His eyes snapped down to me, and his focus was directed right back at me again.

"You are so tight." His words turned me on even further. "Turn over, let me see all of you." He let go of the grip he had on me, and rolled me onto my stomach. I arched my back, so my rear was in the air. He grabbed onto my hips.

"Oh, what a glorious sight this is." He commented, as he plunged into me once more. He hit my sweet spot with his length, and I moaned out. He gripped me tightly, and pumped into me like a savage animal. The noises he made, mixed with mine filled the air around us. His flesh slapping up against mine echoed throughout the room.

"Touch yourself again," he moaned into my ear. I reached down with one hand, and toyed with my clit, remembering how his tongue felt. It was still soaked with his saliva, and my finger slipped back and forth. Every now and then I felt his testicles slap against my hand, and it made me moan.

"Oh Fenris, I'm so close now."

"Yes Hawke, cum for me, cum with me." He growled. That's all it took, I was sent over the edge again and climaxed right there. I gasped and moaned into my pillow, as the walls of my opening tightened and gripped onto him.

"Yes!" he yelled out, spilling his seed deep into me. I felt the warm liquid ooze into me, and I loved every second of it. He withdrew and collapsed beside me. I lowered my legs and nuzzled into his arms, as he was breathing fast, still trying to catch his breath.

"You are quite the skilled lover," I purred into his ear. He was silent suddenly, and I held him close. Sweat was dripping all over his head. I reached over to my night stand, and pulled out a red handkerchief and dabbed his forehead with it. I placed it down back onto the stand and lay back into him. I closed my eyes, listening to his heart pounding, as I drifted to sleep.

I awoke sometime later, my bed feeling empty. I turned to my side, and Fenris was gone. I looked over, and there he was , fully clothed, with my red cloth tied around his arm, standing in front of the fire place, looking away from me.

"Was it that bad?" I teased. He quickly turned around to face me.

"I'm sorry, it's not...it was fine." I glanced downwards, not looking forward to what he was going to say next. I could feel tension in the air, and something inside of me told me that I was not going to like what came next.

"No, that is insufficient. It was better than anything I could have dreamed."

"Your markings, they hurt don't they?"

"It's not that. I began to remember. My life before, just flashes." He paused, and suddenly his voice became panicked. "This is too much, this is too fast. I...I cannot...do this." No...Fenris, please, I wanted to beg him.

"Your life before, what do you mean?"

"I've never remembered anything from before the ritual, except for the words of that song you heard me sing. There were, faces, words. For just a moment I could recall all of it. And then it slipped away." . I now understood what that daze in his eyes was, while we were making love.

"Don't you want to get your memories back? We could practise some more, and maybe they'll come to you." I was desperate to keep him here, I knew he was panicking.

"Perhaps you don't realise how upsetting this is. I've never remembered anything, and to have it all come back in a rush only to lose it. I can't... I can't." His voice broke as he turned his back to me, and it sounded as if he were holding back tears. I had never seen this vulnerability in him, and it made my heart ache.

"We can work through this."

"I'm sorry, I feel like such a fool. All I wanted was to be happy. Just for a little while. Forgive me." He quickly left my room, ran down the stairs, and slammed my front door. I sat there, puzzled. I took me a minute to realise what had just happened. That Fenris, had left not only my home, but had left me. I thought when I saw him waiting for me in my front door, that me sitting around for him these past years, was all for a reason. All that suffering in silence would come to its happy conclusion, and me and the man I had longed for all of this time, would finally be together. But it was not to be. A pain began to grow in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't move. A sob escaped my throat, and filled the silence that lingered in the air. Tears started to flow from me, I couldn't be strong anymore. It was too much. After a night of making passionate love, he rejected me. I felt worthless, used, and destroyed. I lay into my pillow and let everything out. I stroked the spot that he had lain on, still warm from his body. Oh Fenris, my Fenris, how could you have done this to me, when I love you so?


	7. Seeking a contraception potion

Three days had passed, and I still had not left the house. I barely left my own bed. I had been curled in the fetal position, head close to where Fenris had lain with me. His scent was fading now, and I was desperate to get it back. Would he still look at me the same way? At first, I had felt numb. It was as if I were tranquil, no emotions, just an empty void of a person. But then came the immense pain. My stomach hurt as if I had the flu, and my heart wanted to burst out of my chest. My cheeks were raw from tears and my eyes were blood red.

My mother had come to my door a few times with water and soup, but I refused to take anything. I never told her about Fenris, but she somehow just knew. Mothers have a strange thing of knowing every little thing about you, whether you want them to or not. On the third morning, she insisted I take a bath. Her and Orana brought the water to my room and filled up the basin that sat behind the dressing curtain. Once they left, I disrobed myself, and slowly sank into the warmth. My tense muscles began to relax as I began to wash myself clean of the shame I felt, as I washed the last bits of Fenris off of me.

As I began to scrub in between my legs, I became frightened as I realised it had been three days since he spilled his seed within me, and it never occurred to me that I would need to take a contraceptive potion. I felt like a complete fool. I had not taken such precautions, as the thought of me and Fenris actually sleeping together seemed surreal. Usually women take them before engaging in sexual activity, but I had refrained from sex for so long, I wasn't consuming them. There was the option of taking a stronger dose of one afterwards, to prevent conception, but that usually had to be done within the first twelve hours. If I became with child, I would be shamed. An unwed woman living in Hightown, and the father being a runaway elf. It would devastate my mother. And Fenris, I would imagine he would flee Kirkwall upon hearing the news. What on earth was I to do?

Just as I got out of the basin and clothed myself, there was a knock at my door, and before I could tell whoever it was to go away, barging in came Isabela and Aveline, an unlikely duo.

"We heard from your mother you've been ill, but she won't say with what. Are you alright?" asked Isabela.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Hawke," Aveline began "This is very unlike you. The Viscount has been breathing down my neck to retrieve you for help. The Qunari problem is getting worse, and we need you. What's going on?"

"Its...I.." I felt trapped. I was afraid of telling them the truth, afraid they would judge me, and shun Fenris.

"Last we saw of you was after everything happened with Hadriana. You were awful determined at The Hanged Man to find him. He hasn't left his mansion either." Isabela stared me up and down, trying to read my face.

"He hasn't?" I suddenly felt dizzy. I backed up into my bed and sat. The two women came and both sat on either side of me. Isabela draped her arm around my shoulder.

"Look sweet thing, I know a thing or two about men, and while I've never had to endure a broken heart, I can spot one a mile away. Did he hurt you?"

The tears welled up in my eyes, and I could no longer hold them back. "He...left...me," I said between sobs.

"What? That blighted scum..." Aveline was red in the face. "Why on earth would he do such a thing?"

"Aveline, that elf is messed up beyond comprehension. I was afraid something like this would happen." Isabela held my hand and Aveline rubbed my back as I cried into my hands. I wiped my tears, and held them back long enough to confide in these two women, who were here to console me.

"That's not all."

"What do you mean?" Aveline raised her eyebrow to me.

"I...I didn't use a contraception potion. After he left, I was so hurt, I just forgot."

"How long ago did this happen Hawke?"

"Three days."

"Shit." Isabela dropped my hand and stood up. "We need to get you a potion, now. Unless..." she trailed off.

"Unless what?" Aveline asked.

"You don't want to have a baby, do you?"

"Absolutely not!" I blurted out. How could I want a child with a man who wouldn't even stay with me? Anger crept into my veins, but suddenly, I pictured a white haired elven boy, with hazel eyes. I could hear him laughing, as I saw him run to Fenris, as he scooped the child into his arms. No, such thoughts would do me no good. A child would not bind Fenris to me, not in the way I wanted him. I needed to fix this mistake.

Was it even a mistake? Did I regret it? The memory of him taking me, pleasuring me, it made me tingle inside. No matter how much he had hurt me, I did not want to erase this memory. I had waited three years for it to happen, it couldn't have been a mistake.

"Ok, this might be difficult for you to consider, but, I think you should talk to Anders."

"Why the hell is it any of his business? I think Hawke would rather keep this between us."

"Because," the pirate looked over to me "Anders is the best healer in Kirkwall. He will be able to help you take any preventative measures needed. Your best shot at making sure this problem doesn't become worse is with Anders."

I couldn't argue with Isabela, she was right. I let out a sigh, and stood up. "Well, I guess I am off to see our dear healer then."

"We could accompany you, if you wish."

"Thanks for the offer Aveline, but, this is something I need to do on my own."

"Let me know how it goes. Drinks are on me tonight." Isabela gave me a hug, and they left me in peace.

The entire walk to Anders' clinic in Darktown was torture. I didn't know what I would say to him. Would he yell at me, call me foolish? He despised Fenris, and this surely would stain his opinion of me. I had always been fond of Anders, and had a crush on him for a long time even. He was the last person I wanted knowing about Fenris and I, but now, he was the person I needed to tell the most. The Maker sure has a morbid sense of humour sometimes.

Once I arrived, Anders was looking through some papers. He had a look of frustration on his face, and I thought that this was probably a bad time for him. He looked up, and smiled as soon as he saw me. I faintly smiled back.

"Hawke." He approached me, taking quick strides. "Is everything alright? I haven't seen you in awhile. I was beginning to worry. I tried to come to your door, but Bohdan said you were not well. When I offered my services, he turned me away.

"Actually Anders, that's why I came to see you. I...I think I need your help."

"What's wrong?" He looked at me with such concern in his face.

"I...wow. Um, look, this is really hard for me to say.." He placed his hands on my face, and his touch was warm, and gentle.

"It's okay Marian, you can tell me anything. I am here for you."

"I need a contraception potion!" The words came out so fast, it was as if I had no control over my own mouth. Anders withdrew his hands, and a look of hurt and confusion swept over his face.

"You...you're planning on sleeping with that damned elf, aren't you?"

"I kind of already have." I stared at my feet, unable to look at him. He was going to hate me, I just knew it.

"How long ago?" His voice was calm, yet stern. I kicked a bit of dirt from under me.

"Marian, how long ago?" His voice was more demanding now.

"Three evenings ago." He was silent for a few moments before speaking again. The silence was unbearable.

"You realise that it may be too late now. I'll do what I can but...there's no guarantees. Why didn't you come sooner? Marian?" I felt my cheeks burn and my heart was pounding, every time I had to explain what happened, it only hurt more. I was so ashamed.

"Because Anders, the reason I have been away the past three days is because he left me. I am devastated and you have no idea how humiliating this is." I was looking up at Anders now, and I did not see anger like I had anticipated, but sadness. A sadness I had seen in his eyes many times before.

"Come back at sunset Hawke, the potion will be ready then." I quickly turned away and got out of there as fast as I could. I didn't know where to go so I ended up at The Hanged Man. Isabela was waiting there for me, and I was incredibly grateful. I did not drink with her, but I told her about Anders, about that look he had in his face. It was worse than the anger I had feared. She tried to take my mind off of things by telling me stories of many of her ex lovers. Not sad stories mind you, many were downright ridiculous I had to wonder if she were making it up to get me to laugh. I could always count on her when I needed to. I considered her my best friend at this point. Two hours had passed, and dusk was upon us. I had better get going before it got dark out.

When I arrived back at the clinic, Anders was sitting down on a cot, waiting for me. As I approached I noticed that he smelled of sandalwood, similar to the aroma of my mother's perfume that I had adored so much. He stood up and handed me a vial.

"I know it's not my place to criticize but, I am not surprised this happened. Fenris seems less a man to me than a wild dog. He has let one bad experience colour his whole world. Surely you want someone more open minded."

"Well, we're not together anymore." I replied sadly.

"It's probably for the best."

"I know."

"Drink the vial now. Again, I can't promise a miracle, but it has a fifty percent chance of working now, and the longer you wait, the less chance it has of doing anything." I opened the vial, and downed the liquid in one quick movement. It tasted vile, and burned my throat. I must have made a funny face because he began to laugh.

"Now that's a look I have never seen from you." He took the empty vial from my hands and placed it down on the table beside him. He grabbed my hand and lead me to the cot.

"Lie down Hawke, I have a technique I can perform to increase the chances of it taking immediate effect."

I lay back on the stiff cot and my body tensed up.

"I'm sorry it's not more comfortable. Now relax, I promise you are in good hands." I put my arms at my side, and Anders came up to me, and placed his hands over my shoulders. His fingertips were just a few centimeters away from my skin, so close to coming into contact. He waved them over me, and a warmth emitted from them. I felt his hands glide down past my shoulders, still never touching me. It was almost as if he were, everywhere that his hands passed over I could feel a warm and tingling sensation. It felt very relaxing. He moved them over my abdomen, and there he focused. He placed his hands together now, and pushed downwards above my belly. I could feel a warm sensation there that lingered, and it felt sensual. He swept his hands back and forth, still never coming into contact with my skin. He focused on various areas of my body, and I increasingly became tired. He must have noticed.

"I can tell you haven't been sleeping. This spell will help you rest.

"Here?"

"Don't worry, I have much work to do. I won't leave your side."

I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, sleep was calling to me. I slowly closed my eyes, and let much needed slumber take over my body. As I drifted to sleep, I could hear Anders faintly speak.

"If I had the chance to be with you, I would never dream of leaving."


	8. Jealousy

I woke up with an aching back and neck. I had forgotten momentarily where I was. It was now morning, and light was creeping into the clinic. I looked over, and Anders was sleeping hunched over in a chair. I sat up, and my movement caused him to open his eyes. He smiled at me, his entire face lighting up.

"Now there's a sight I could get used to waking up to," he said coyly.

"Anders, you didn't have to sleep in that chair. There was more than enough room beside me, and this is your place after all."

"Had I known you were willing to have me next to you, I would have not hesitated." I grinned at him, and then felt another stiff spot in my neck. I winced, and rubbed it with my hand.

"Oh yes, I should have mentioned. That cot does tend to give you a crick in the neck. I've gotten used to it by now. Here, let me help." Anders walked up behind me, and lightly placed his hands and the base of my neck. I could feel the warmth of his healing, a sensation that I had become accustom to over the years of battling beside him. Instantly, I felt much better.

"Thanks," I said as I stood to my feet.

"I guess I'll be seeing you later then?"

"I'll find you when I need you."

"I hope that it's sooner than later."

I left his clinic to go home and sleep some more. I was still feeling tired, and needed to get extra rest before I headed to visit the Viscount later. I had put it off for too long, and although my head was still a mess, I was feeling slightly better. It felt so nice talking with my friends about what had happened. I was still terrified of seeing Fenris again. I felt a ball of anxiety creep through me and felt sick to my stomach again. Every time I thought of him my nerves got the best of me and I felt like I had a stomach virus. I really needed to rest now. When I got home, I went straight to my room. My mabari hound Rufus followed me, and jumped up onto my bed. As I lay down, he licked my face and grunted. I smiled and stroked his ears, right before drifting to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later, feeling much better. I was able to eat a small meal, my first in a few days. My mother smiled and stroked my hair as we ate together. I hadn't seen her smile like this for awhile, and I suddenly felt guilty for making her worry about me. She had enough worry and grief over these last few years, I really didn't need to add to her problems by staying in bed days on end moping over a silly boy who wouldn't like me back. I felt sick again, thinking of him just was not good for my stomach. I tried to think negatively about him, hoping it would make me feel better, but it wasn't. I needed to get out, to keep myself busy.

I excused myself from the dining table, and went out to see the Viscount. As I stepped out of my front door, I saw a bouquet of pink Azalea flowers sitting there. They were beautiful. I leaned over to pick them up, and before I could read the note attached, I saw an all too familiar figure with white hair pass by. I stopped immediately, almost dropping the flowers. Fenris paused, and turned to me. His eyes cast over to me and he started to come forward, but then stopped himself.

"Hawke." One word, my name. He said it in such a monotonous tone, but even then, my heart still leapt to my throat. I noticed, attached to his arm, was my red handkerchief from the night we had slept together. He had kept it. Had it meant something to him, after all this time of doubting his feelings? Was he hurting just as much as I had been? I looked at him, and then to the flowers in my hand.

"These flowers, are they..."

"No." he answered sternly, even before I could finish my question, crushing my hopes of a reconciliation. My heart dropped, feeling an immense amount of pain immediately. He just so happened to be walking by as I came out to find the flowers, of course. He made it perfectly clear that he did not want to finish what we had started.

"I was just heading to the market. I need to upgrade some equipment. As you know, your house passes the way there."

"Okay." I said quietly, not sure what else I could say to him. He stood there, staring at me intently.

"Who are they from?" He asked me. Good question. I picked up the note that was attached to the bouquet.

"Hawke,

I hope you are feeling better today. I have been thinking of you since you left. You are much too pretty to frown. I will always be there if you need me, as a healer, and someone who cares about you very much.

Sincerely, Anders."

The words lifted my mood immediately. A smile crept onto my face. I had never received flowers from any one before, and it felt nice to have someone care about me enough to send a gift to my house.

"Well?" Fenris snapped my attention back to the present moment.

"Anders sent them." Fenris' eyes narrowed, and he glared at the pink flowers in my hand.

"The abomination sent you flowers?"

"It appears he has. And his name is Anders."

"I know what that demons name is. Why is he sending you flowers Hawke?"

"Why is it that you care?"

"He's a mage, and cannot be trusted."

"Excuse me, have you forgotten who I am?!" I lifted my free hand, and ignited it with flames for a brief moment.

"That is not what I meant."

"It's what you said. Why do you even care? It's been four days, Fenris. Four days. We have never gone that amount of time without speaking, and now, because we slept together, you are blatantly ignoring me." He said nothing to me, his eyes overlooking my glare.

"Well what, Fenris? Did it really mean nothing to you? Because to me, we made **love**." I emphasised the last word, hoping it would strike a chord within him. "But if all it was to you was a quick roll in the sack to get rid of all the stress you were under, let me know, so I can move on with my life and find someone deserving of my affection."

"Is that what you want to hear? So you can move on to that abomination?"

"His name is Anders!" I yelled at him. He was ignoring my questions, and it was making my blood boil. "Answer me Fenris. You owe me at least that much."

"I have no time for this petty squabble Hawke."

"Really Fenris, you have no time to answer a simple question? You spend most your days holed up in that damned mansion, you have one minute to talk to me.

"I do not wish to discuss it at the present time. I have said what I needed to say."

"Do you really care so little of me? I have been in so much blighted pain for days, because of you. And for what? You clearly don't care. I guess I really should move on then!"

"Fine, run into the arms of your precious abomination. Sleep with him for all I care!" His eyes were cold, and I felt as if my insides were torn apart. How dare he speak to me this way? I felt as if I had been suffering, at his hands. And he didn't care.

"Maybe I will then!" I screamed at him. I saw that his face tightened, and his markings began to glow. I slammed the door in his face before he could react to what I had said. I didn't mean it, but I was so mad at him I just wanted to hurt him in any way that I could. I'm not sure if the thought of me with Anders would even hurt him, he acted so cold and distant to me, even after I told him I had been hurting. But then, when he found out Anders had sent me flowers, he went into a jealous spat. He was the most confusing individual I had ever met.

One thing was clear, though. Despite if he still had feelings for me or not, he did not want to be romantically involved with me. This was the confirmation I needed. My insides burned and ached as a single tear slid down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away. It would be the last tear I wasted on him, somebody who clearly did not waste any time thinking about how I felt. I went to the kitchen to fetch a vase. I filled it with water and placed the flowers in it. I brought the vase upstairs, and set it on the nightstand beside my bed. There. Now anytime I became sad or felt lost at night alone in my bed, I had a constant reminder. A symbol that somebody out there was thinking of me, and cared about me. A symbol that eventually, after the pain subsided, I could move on with my life and finally find happiness.

I had kept the Viscount waiting long enough. Time to put my own needs aside, and think of those in the city who looked up to me. Aveline had urgency in her voice yesterday before I babbled on, so there was no time to waste. I read the note Anders wrote to me one last time, before heading back out the door. I was glad to see that Fenris had left. I tried to push him out of my mind as I went to gather Aveline. Something told me this meeting would not be pretty. It was just what I needed to divert my attention away from Fenris. Soon enough, there would be issues far greater than a broken heart. Had I known what was to come in the upcoming six months, I probably would have gotten the hell out of Kirkwall, and fast.

**Authors notes: **Sorry that my updating has been less frequent the past 2 weeks. I myself, like Hawke, am going through a rough breakup. It is not easy to write about heart break as you are going through it, I will say that much. With that said, I wanted to give a little insight into the flowers Anders gave Hawke. The Azalea flower tells loved ones to take care of themselves and is basically a symbol of womanhood. Someone giving a woman this flower is asking this woman to stay beautiful. I was originally going to have him send roses, but it seemed too cliché. This was a much more subtle gesture. Again, if you are enjoying the story, let me know. Thanks for all the support and emails!


	9. Nightmares

One month had gone by, and I was starting to feel like my old self again. Sure, there were times where I still felt pain when I thought about Fenris, but he was making it easy for me to move on. He became very distant and cold, and any time I tried to show him an act of kindness, he brushed me off. We never spoke of our night together, and the only time we socialized was when I needed him to help me in dealing with the Arishok.

The Viscount grew increasingly worried about the Qunari, and many times I had to intervene on his behalf. Fenris had some experience with their kind, so I usually brought him along with me any time I had to deal with them. Isabela on the other hand, she practically ran in the opposite direction when we had to go into their compound. There was something she was hiding, and I had no idea what it was.

Since my night at Anders' clinic, he became even more attentive than he was before. He would come to my house frequently to help Mother and I with dinner. She had grown to adore him, and kept nagging me about when I would become "serious" with him. I told her we were just friends, but she knew better than that. The fact was, I had started to really fall for Anders. Thinking back to when I had first met him, I had longed to be with him because he was the only one out of my allies who really understood where I was coming from. He had lived a life as an apostate mage, and I felt that this had connected us. It was him telling me he was afraid of hurting me that had made me back off, and then Fenris came along. I pondered to myself, if Anders hadn't pushed me away, would I have even shown an interest in Fenris? It was all so confusing. My heart wanted to mend and move on, but I felt as if I needed closure from Fenris to do so. All the while, Anders never pushed, or pressured me for anything more. He knew I was getting over a broken heart, and was allowing me the time and space that I needed to heal. It was all very sweet.

One evening, Anders asked me to come to his clinic. He mentioned there was something urgent he needed to talk to me about. When I showed up, he looked terribly worried. I rushed over to him instantly.

"Is everything alright?"

"Things just keep getting worse. I had Templars practically on my doorstep the other night."

"Don't tell me these things. I might have to lock you up to keep them off you," I teased, trying to lighten his mood.

"Sweetheart, I'm not letting anyone lock me up, you included," he smiled at me. We generally had the same, laid back sense of humour which made me feel comfortable to be silly around him. His smile soon dropped, and he became serious again.

"The Knight Commander is out of control. Even her own people have been talking about it. The curfews, the midnight raids on mage's families, everyone I know forced into hiding so they won't be made tranquil." He was right. Lately there had been an increase in arrests of mages, and I had been worried myself. Knight Commander Meredith was really cracking down.

"If they want you, they'll have to come through me."

"You're at just as much risk as I am. What if your money and position isn't enough? The thought of them hurting you..." his voice broke, and I could see that he was not just worried for himself, but for me as well. "Everything I've done to control this, I don't care. I would drown us in blood to keep you safe." His eyes told me that he meant every word he was saying. I felt my heart racing. He had been so sweet and affectionate with me, but never had I heard him, or any other man convey such concern and protection over my well being. Not since my father had died.

"I don't want to see you lose yourself. To the Templars or Justice."

"I'm sorry, I can't be anyone but who I am. There will be more violence, I know that. If you tie yourself to me, I'll only hurt you." Oh please no, don't push me away again Anders. I couldn't possibly take him rejecting me a second time after what I had just been through.  
"Nothing would hurt as much as loosing you."

"I have no control around you. I never thought I'd meet another mage like you...another apostate. You could have a normal life. Don't tempt me. Not unless you are ready for what that means."

"What I know is that out of everyone I know, you are the only person I feel safe with. You are the only one who understands what my life has been like. I don't want to be without you in my life, even if it means we can only be friends."

"Marian, I have tried to be just your friend. You are the most beautiful mage, no, woman I have ever met. I am just afraid that I won't be able to give you the life you deserve. I am an apostate mage who has a spirit of vengeance within my body. He has become a huge part of who I am, and sometimes, I feel like I am losing who I used to be. I am a former Grey Warden, plagued by nightmares every night. You could find a man who isn't as terribly messed up as I am. I just..." he paused for a moment, and then took my hands and held them in his. "I want you to be happy."

His hands were warm against mine, and looking into his amber eyes and seeing the look of adoration he was giving me, I suddenly felt that this was where I was supposed to be all along. This was a man who was putting my needs first. He wasn't pushing me away for his selfish reasons, but instead was thinking of the life he could offer me. I was ecstatic and terrified at the same time.

"We could make each other happy Anders. I know that having Justice inside of you is a struggle every day, but I am willing to help you work through it." He smiled and brought my hands to his lips and kissed them both tenderly.

"Just, think about it for a few days. Will you do that for me Hawke?"

"I will."

* * *

The next day I went to visit Anders at his clinic again, and he had patients lined out the door. There was some kind of nasty virus going on, and it seemed every refugee was there at once. I decided - since I had some healing powers - I would help him out. I was not nearly as skilled as he was in the arts of healing, but I knew a little. He gladly accepted my offer.

We had a young boy on the table who was on the verge of death. His mother was clutching the boy's hand, tears running down her face. He had lost all colour and was unconscious.

"Here, put your hands on his chest like this," Anders grabbed my hands and lowered them to the boy.

"Now, focus on his core. Picture in your mind you can see the virus inside of him. Close your eyes, and concentrate hard, Hawke." I stood there, Anders behind me, his hands on mine. I could feel his breath on my neck, and it became hard to concentrate, but I did as asked. I closed my eyes, and focused on my hands above the boy's torso. I thought of the virus that had been eating away at his body. Then suddenly, I could visualise it. I saw red lines coursing through his skin, the virus attacking all of his cells, and destroying his very being.

"You see it now, don't you?"

"Yes," I responded, my eyes still closed.

"Good, now use your healing. Think of counter-attacking the virus with your magic." I focused on the red lines I could see in my mind, I thought of destroying them, one by one. I could feel warmth emanating from my hands. I visualized green light entering his body and attacking the virus. I heard the boy gasp, and I opened my eyes. The boy was sitting up, and the mother started attacking his face with kisses. It had actually worked. I had done minor healing before, mostly for replenishing energy, but nothing to this extent. The mother leaped over to me and embraced me in a huge hug.

"You are wonderful, thank you so much, Serah!" I was overwhelmed by her embrace. She hugged me tight, and from behind her Anders was beaming at me. He had the biggest smile I had ever seen on him, and I smiled back. For a moment, I thought it was him who had done the healing, as his hands were over mine, but no, it was all my doing. I had never felt so accomplished in my entire life. And I owed it all to him.

The rest of the day went like this. Anders helped me hone into my healing powers, and by dusk we had gotten through all of his patients. I was beyond exhausted and I felt like I could collapse.

"Long day?" he asked as he sat beside me on the cot I was already sitting on.

"I have no idea how you do it. And you don't even charge these people for saving some of their lives."

"It's not about the money Hawke. It is for the greater good. People need to know that not every mage is out to harm them."

"I know. I just mean that most people in your position would expect something in return. You don't. You're a good man, Anders." He put his arm around my shoulder and held me close.

"Hawke, I don't want this to sound forward but, will you spend the night here with me? I need you to see something." I raised an eyebrow at him.

"You want me to spend the night with you?"

"Yes, but I promise I will be the perfect gentleman. It's just important for you to understand who I am, what I go through every night. I have awful nightmares, and I want you to understand that it is a nightly occurrence. I thought you should see it firsthand before deciding if you want to be with me or not."

"Your bad dreams are not going to put me off Anders. That's just silly."

"You say that now, but could you really be with a man who wakes up screaming almost every night? Surely it would drive you crazy." He looked downwards. Obviously this was something he was very insecure about. I rubbed his back, trying to comfort him.

"The last time you slept here Hawke, I did not allow myself to fully fall asleep. That's why I sat up in that chair. I did not wish to frighten you."

"It's alright Anders. I will stay the whole night."

"You will?"

"I promise." I laid down on the cot and motioned with a finger for him to lie with me. He lay down on his side and pulled me into his embrace. Despite having worked hard all day long, he still smelled sweet of sandalwood. I nuzzled into his chest and listened to his heartbeat. His arms were strong, and I felt at peace. I looked up at him, and his brow furrowed. He was clearly still uncomfortable. I reached up and stroked his cheek.

"Anders, I will not judge you, and I will not run away because of your nightmares. Please close your eyes and get some sleep. It has been a long day for us both." He sighed out loud and closed his eyes.

"Anything for you." Soon after that we were both fast asleep.

* * *

I awoke to being nudged in the ribs hard. I looked at my side and saw Anders thrashing around, kicking and moaning. He was sweating profusely. He was clearly in distress from a nightmare. I reached down to shake him gently.

"Anders, it's okay." He violently grabbed my wrist, his eyes glowing blue. It was as if Justice was taking over.

"No!" he yelled, but his voice was not as demonic as it had been when Justice had taken over. It was as if it was a mixture of the two. I snapped my hand away and started shaking him by the shoulders.

"Anders, it's me!" Slowly his eyes returned to their normal and he seemed confused.

"Hawke? I...oh no. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, I'm here for you." He sat up and buried his head in his hands.

"I didn't want you to see me like this. I mean, I did, for your own good, but I can't help but feel embarrassed."

I grabbed him and held him in my arms. I wiped the sweat off his forehead with my hand.

"You are awfully warm Anders. Why don't you remove your shirt?" He narrowed his eyes at me and gave me a sly smile.

"Why Hawke, you aren't trying to seduce me, are you?" I laughed, and he did too. It was nice to hear him joyous after what had just happened. He lifted his shirt over his head to reveal his large arms and chest. I couldn't help but stare. He looked good. Really good.

"Enjoying the view?" he teased me.

"Possibly." I blushed and he pulled me into his arms once more.

"Get some more rest sweetheart, I will try not to wake you again." I lay in his arms, and drifted back to sleep.

* * *

There was a banging at the door to his clinic as I opened my eyes. I heard Anders grumbling beside me.

"Oh, why must they come so early?" He whined. I smiled and pat his head.

"It's okay, I will tell them to come back later. I got up and walked over the door. I turned back and smiled at Anders as I pulled the door open. Still grinning I turned around and right in my face was Fenris, inches away from me, standing next to Aveline. My smile immediately dropped.

"Hawke, I've been looking everywhere for you. The Viscount says he needs you to speak with the Arishok immediately. I grabbed Fenris and went to your house but you weren't there. I figured perhaps Anders might know your whereabouts."

"And clearly he does." mumbled Fenris, peering into the doorway to see Anders half naked on the cot. Anders was aware of this and quickly put his shirt back on. My cheeks burned up. This did not look good at all.

"I'll head there right away. Thanks for coming to find me Aveline." I said as I marched right past the both of them, deliberately ignoring Fenris. I could feel Fenris' eyes glaring into the back of my head without actually looking at him. He had such anger in his eyes when he saw me there with Anders. To hell with him, he had his chance and tossed me to the side as if I were disposable. This was going to be a long day. I just knew it.

**Authors notes: **Thank you to everyone who sent kind words my way after my last post, I appreciate it more than you know :-) I now have a beta - **Shinkshinkshink** check out her story **Beauty and the Berserker**. It is a fantastic read, had me in tears many times.


	10. Hawke and Anders love scene

**Authors notes: Another smut filled chapter! It took me a little longer to write this part as there are a lot of small details from the game that I thought were crucial to this part of the story. Also, I have 2 new additions to my family that kept me busy over the weekend; 2 kittens I appropriately named Isabela and Anders :) I hope you guys enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

The Arishok requested my appearance by name. He was suspicious that a dwarf had stolen an explosive powder from him and asked me to investigate. He was wrong about the dwarf, but a sadistic elf had gotten hold of it and created a poisonous gas that spread out all over Lowtown. It took hours to clear everyone out of the area and destroy the substance. We inhaled so much of the gas, the four of us could barely carry ourselves home.

Anders had some business to finish in his clinic and Aveline was needed back at the keep. That left Fenris and I to walk back to our Hightown homes in awkward silence. He kept his eyes glued forward, never once looking over towards me. There was a gash on his forearm that I had just noticed, and it looked like it hurt.

"You're bleeding, Fenris."

"So I am." he responded, eyes still staring straight ahead.

"It looks like it really hurts."

"I can handle a little pain."

"Here, let me help." I reached over to grab his arm, and he whipped it away from me, to the point where he hurt my hand. He glared down at me, his hazel eyes narrowed. The look on his face was one I will never forget. It was a look of hatred, and it crushed me.

"What's wrong with you? I'm only trying to help you! That is all I have ever done, Fenris. You've been acting like I'm the enemy, but I'm on your side, remember?"

"Were you on my side when you spent the night with your precious healer last night?"

"Jealous?"

"Is that what you're doing with him? You're trying to make me jealous?"

"No, it's just a fortunate result that comes with the territory." If he wanted to get nasty, two could play this game. I had been nothing but nice to Fenris, and he was constantly kicking me while I was down. Not anymore, it was time to take a stand.

"Whether you want to believe it or not, I care a great deal for Anders. He's romantic, charming, and he cares about me."

"You came to this conclusion after you opened your legs for him?"

"Not that it's any of your damn business but I haven't slept with him. And just so you know, Fenris, the reason that this is happening is because of you. So you can stop griping and giving me this attitude, because I would have stood by you to the very end. This is **your** doing." He turned away from me and we walked all the way back in complete silence. I had never been so happy to return home in my entire life.

* * *

The next afternoon, there was a knock at my bedroom door. I opened it to find a very nervous Bohdan standing before me.

"I'm sorry to bother you Mistress, but Master Anders is downstairs. He looks troubled."

"Thank you, Bodhan." I walked down the stairs and there he was, pacing back and forth like a caged animal.

"What's wrong?"

"I need to talk to you, and I don't quite know where to begin."

"It's okay, just take your time." Anders stopped pacing, and looked at me. Never had I seen him look so stressed out and sleep deprived.

"Have you noticed how many Tranquil are in the Gallows courtyard lately? And don't tell me I'm just sensitive to it. I've been watching, and every day there are new Tranquil, selling their bloody wares. Good mages too. People I know passed their Harrowing"

"Doesn't Chantry law state that mages who pass their Harrowing can't be made Tranquil?"

"Exactly. The Templars are using the Rite of Tranquility to silence those who speak against them. They're working on a deliberate plan to turn every mage in Kirkwall a Tranquil within the next three years." It sounded crazy, but Anders was so sure of his convictions. I had to help him get to the bottom of this. He believed a Templar named Ser Alrik was the one who was in charge of this "Tranquil Solution." He was the one who did the ritual on Anders' friend Karl. He wanted me to help bring his plan to light, and to expose him for the crimes he had committed. There was a secret entrance he knew of, under the Gallows.

"I wouldn't let you face this alone." I spoke softly.

"You are the one bright light in Kirkwall. I've always feared being made Tranquil. Now more than ever. I'm ready to go when you are."

We quickly gathered Merrill and Varric and set to the underground passage. When we found Ser Alrik, he and some other Templars had a young mage girl cornered. She was pleading with them to spare her.

"Please, I haven't done anything wrong!"

"That's a lie." Alrik took wide strides towards her. "What do we do to mages who lie?"

They had not seen us yet. Anders was now starting to lose control, I could see his eyes turning blue, and smoke surrounding him. l was certain this would not end well. The girl got on her knees and began to beg.

"Please, no! Don't make me Tranquil! I'll do anything!"

"That's right. Once you're Tranquil, you'll do anything I ask."

Justice took control of Anders' body.. He strode towards the Templars, his voice demonic and menacing once again.

"You fiends will never touch a mage again!"

These Templars were well trained against mages. Merrill had run out of mana quickly, and I was not far behind her. Varric kept Bianca loaded. At one point he even bashed a Templar over the head with his beloved crossbow, knocking the man unconscious.

"Serves you right for messing with us!" He yelled at the unresponsive body. Ser Alrik and his Templars were defeated, but Justice still had control over Anders' body.

"They will die! I will have every last Templar for these abuses!"

"It's over Anders. They're all dead."

"Every one of them will feel Justice's burn!"

"Get away from me, demon!" The mage girl yelled at him, clearly terrified. Anders rushed towards her, backing her even further into the wall.

"I am no demon! Are you one of them, that you would call me such?"

"Anders, that girl is a mage. We rescued her from being made Tranquil." I spoke in a soft manner, trying to get Justice to calm down.

"She is theirs, I can feel their hold on her."

"She's the reason you're fighting Anders. Don't turn on her now."

He lifted his hand above his head, about to cast a spell on the girl and kill her, when suddenly Anders came to. He fell to the ground, immediately, his head buried in his hands. The girl took off running.

"Maker no! I almost...if you weren't here..." his voice was breaking and tears were in his eyes. "I need to get out of here." Anders quickly took off through the tunnel.

"Geez, that was a close one." Varric wiped his arm across his head, removing some blood.

"Do you think he'll be alright, Hawke?" Merrill asked.

"I don't know. I need to find him." So many emotions were coursing through my body. On one hand I was worried for Anders, on the other I felt angry. He had almost killed that innocent girl. He was so determined to put an end to the Templars cause, and yet he almost killed a mage himself. I didn't know what I was going to say to him yet. We decided to search the Templars' bodies before leaving.

"Hawke, you might want to take a look at this." Varric was standing above Alrik's body, a piece of paper in his hand.

Quickly, I skimmed through the note. It was proof that Alrik was indeed trying to start a Tranquil Solution, but apparently Knight Commander Meredith and the Divine had refused his idea. I needed to show Anders the note immediately. It meant that this Tranquil Solution was not in effect by Meredith, only Alrik and his Templars were committing these heinous acts. And here they laid, dead.

* * *

Merrill and Varric both went to their homes, while I went to Darktown in search for Anders. He was in his clinic, packing in a frenzy. I handed him the note, and as he read it, the look of despair slowly faded from his face as he realised what was really going on. He told me that he needed some time to reflect alone, but I could come back a bit later.

I walked aimlessly for a few hours, stressed to my core. What if Anders decided to continue packing and flee while I was gone? My heart began to race furiously within me, I could hear it pounding in my head. Picking up my pace, I headed back towards his clinic. I was terrified of losing him.

As I entered his clinic, he was hunched over, and smiling.

"What are you doing?"

"Putting out milk." He stood up and turned to me. "I miss having a cat around, but I think the refugees have scared them all off, or maybe eaten them." Anders began to thank me for helping him, and for standing up for the mages rights.

"We are fighting for the same thing Anders. This is one of the reasons why I feel so close to you. I feel as if fate brought us together, to help each other."

"Hawke, you have no idea how much your support means to me. You are a loyal friend."

"I do hope you will consider me to be more than that one day."

"I've tried to hold back. You've seen what I am, but I am still a man. You can't expect me to resist you forever." This was it, the moment I had been longing for since the day I met him here in his clinic.

" I don't want you to resist."

Anders leapt forward, grasping my face with both his hands. His lips were suddenly upon mine, and I opened my mouth to accept his kiss. He fiercely kissed me, moaning into my mouth as he sucked on my lips. The longing that had built up over the years seemed to pour out of him all at once. His arms were around my back, and his kiss slowed as he pulled his face away from mine.

"This will be a disaster, but I can't live without it. We could die tomorrow. I don't want it to be before I tell you how I feel."

"I've never felt this way about anyone." It was true. Although I had been in love with Fenris, and some feelings still lingered, it was not how it was with Anders. Anders made me feel loved, beautiful, and adored. I could confide in him like I had never been able to with anyone else, not even my own mother.

"I thought with Justice, this part of me was over. I can't give you a normal life. If you're with me, we'll be hunted, hated. The whole world will be against us. If your door is open tonight I will come to you. If not, I'll know you took my warning at last."

* * *

I had never been so nervous in my entire life. I spent the past two hours preparing myself for what was bound to happen. The fireplace was lit and it cast a romantic light across the room. I put some candles out on my dresser as well. Isabela always said that you look your best naked with a little candlelight. I fluffed my pillows at least half a dozen times, and rearranged my belongings to make my room look more presentable.

It was getting late, where was he? Did he change his mind about us? Nausea swept over my body. The thought of him leaving me was unbearable. Could I handle being rejected twice? I didn't want to know. I heard my bedroom door slowly open, and when I turned, there he was, a smile planted on his face. I could barely catch my breath, I was so excited and nervous at once. He closed the door behind him.

"You're here. I wasn't sure you would come."

"Justice does not approve of my obsession with you. He believes you are a distraction." He moved towards me, his eyes never left mine. I took a few steps towards him as well, and we met in the middle of the room.

"It is one of the few things on which he and I disagree."

"If you hadn't come, I'd be out looking for you."

"Are you sure you want me here? I know how badly Fenris hurt you. I don't want to rush you into anything you are not ready for."

"There is nothing more between Fenris and I." I felt a slight pain as I confirmed the words. I was ready for this, but for some reason a tiny piece of me hadn't fully healed. It was time to move on.

"I'm sorry he hurt you, but I can't be sorry if he lead you to me. When I was in the Circle, love was only a game." He walked a few steps forward until we were only a few inches away from each other. "It gave the Templars too much power if there was something you couldn't stand to lose." Anders turned his head and looked at the floor. "It would kill me to lose you." Fear crept back into his amber eyes.

"You aren't going to lose me." Our faces were almost touching as he looked back into my eyes. Anders placed a hand tenderly on my cheek and my body rejoiced at his touch.

"No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love. This is the rule I will most cherish breaking." His hand pulled my face into his, and we kissed for a second time. I wrapped my arms around his neck as his soft lips gently caressed mine. His tongue entered my mouth slowly and I eagerly welcomed it. I pulled my face away, and stared at him, taking this moment in. I wanted to remember it for the rest of my life. His hand let go of my face and I grabbed his other hand and pulled him with me as I walked backwards into my bed. I laid back, legs apart and he climbed over top of me. We began to kiss again, more passionately this time. My arms wrapped around his back as he pressed his body into mine. I could feel his hardness against my thigh. We stopped kissing and he looked down at me.

"You are beautiful, Marian. Tonight I want to cherish every part of you." He leaned forward and sucked on my earlobe and I moaned softly. His kiss trailed down my neck ever so slowly to my collar bone. I reached towards him and lifted his top over his head. He was straddled above me and I reached out and kissed his chest. I ran my hand over his chest hair down to his stomach and unbelted his pants. He tossed them to the side before pulling my tunic over my head and then pulling my skirt down. We were both only in our under clothes now. Somehow, I felt completely comfortable naked in front of him. I wasn't self conscious about my battle scars at all. The way he gazed at me made me know he loved how I looked.

Anders leaned over me again pushing his erection against my smallclothes. Back and forth he pushed and with each movement I became more excited. His erection slid over my clit again and again and it made me want him desperately. He went back to kissing my neck, moving his face lower onto my chest. I arched my back and undid my breastband and threw it to the ground. Anders eyes follow down to my breasts and he lightly caressed them with both hands. His hands were so gentle and experienced. He lightly grazed my nipples with his fingers before placing his mouth over one and taking it into his mouth. He softly sucked and licked and I gasped as he did so. He switched over to my other breast and did the same action. His tongue teased one nipple as his fingers trailed over the other.

He continued his licking and sucking down towards my navel, ever so slowly. Waiting for his tongue to go lower was almost torture. He kissed the sensitive skin just above my underclothes. His fingers hooked around them and slowly he pulled them down. His hand caressed my outer lips and I let out another moan. His touch slowly traced up and down the outer region of my sex and I longed for more. His face was inches away from me. His mouth moved down and I could feel his warm breath. He started kissing me slowly where he had been stroking me. He moved his kisses up and down quickly all over the middle of my mound and I could barely take it. He would flick his tongue over my nub quickly and then withdraw and move to another area."You...taste...divine." he said each word in between kisses. I cried out in protest and Anders quietly chuckled.

"How does this feel love?"

"Oh this is unbearable. Please Anders..."

Anders kissed my nub one last time before I felt his tongue. He flicked it up and down quickly now and I almost screamed out, this was the feeling I was longing for. He got me so worked up with his teasing I knew I would climax soon. Two fingers entered my tight entrance as his tongue worked its magic over my clit. His fingers withdrew and he sucked on them, tasting my juices. He must have enjoyed the taste because his tongue pushed into my entrance and the feeling was mind-blowing. His tongue penetrating me had me arching my back and wanting more. My breathing quickened and I sensed he knew I was close. His tongue pulled out and starting ravishing my clit again. "Anders!" I called out as my climax crashed over his fingers that were drilling in and out of me. Wave after wave of ecstasy hit through me. He slowed his tongue lapping and began kissing my sensitive area again. When I finally recovered from my orgasm he looked up at me with a very satisfied look in his eyes.

"That was amazing." I was all out of breath. Anders sat up and pulled off his underclothes. His erection sprang free. He was slightly curved and I knew once he entered me he would hit all the right spots. I reached forward and stroked him and he gasped at my touched. His arms pushed me back as he climbed over me once again.

"Are you ready, love?"

"Yes, make love to me, Anders. Please. I can't wait any longer." The tip of his length pressed against my entrance and he slowly entered me. The feeling of him filling me had me moaning louder. Slowly he pushed in and out, taking his time. The man sure did love to tease. He never took his eyes off of me. We stared deeply at each other, and I called out his name once again.

"I love hearing you say my name like that."

"Anders." I moaned once again, purposely teasing him. He picked up on this and smiled. His pace began to quicken and I wrapped my legs around his back, allowing him to plunge deeper inside of me.

"Oh, Hawke." he gasped out loud. Every little noise he made turned me on even further. He grabbed me and with a quick movement, he turned so that he was on his back and I was on top of him."

"Nice moves," I giggled and sat upright on him. His hands grabbed my backside as I lifted myself up and down on his member. He was moaning and his eyes were rolling to the back of his head. Watching him take pleasure in what I was doing did so much for me. I wanted to please him even more. I carefully slid off and lowered my face to him. I opened my mouth and took him inside me, sucking him clean of my juices. The taste of him and I combined made me even more aroused. He moaned and pushed my hair off my forehead as I took him in deeper. My tongue moved back and forth on his underside and he thrust his hips forward. I stroked him while sucking, taking his length as far into my mouth as I could. I moaned into his hardness as he started thrusting into my mouth. I reached down and pleasured myself as I sucked and stroked Anders. I looked up into his eyes as he was still in my mouth and he let out a loud sigh.

"Sweetheart, I want to finish inside of you. Please climb on top of me again." I straddled his hips again and lowered myself onto him. He pulled my shoulders forward so my head was next to his as he pumped into me. "You are so wet," he whispered into my ear and that threw me over the edge. I orgasmed once more, this time on his erection. I screamed out loud and in that moment I hadn't a care in the world if the whole neighborhood heard me. Never had I been able to climax from sex alone, I usually needed the assistance of fingers or a tongue. Anders grabbed onto my hips and started thrusting ferociously into me. "Hawke!" he moaned out as his own orgasm took hold of his body. He moaned and thrashed underneath me, succumbing to the pleasure. His pace slowed and then stopped altogether. He pulled me forward into a deep kiss as he slipped out of me. We lay there for a few minutes. He stroked my hair as I listened to the pounding in his chest. He glanced over and started to laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Did you realize that your balcony door is slightly open?"

"What?!" I looked over, and he was right. Orana must have accidentally left it a tad open when she watered the plants on my balcony earlier.

"We were rather loud." Anders teased, still laughing. I got up and dressed myself again. I walked over to the balcony and decided to step onto it for a moment, as I had built up a sweat from our lovemaking. I stood on the balcony, eyes closed, feeling the light wind across my face. It felt so peaceful and calm. I looked down to see if any of my neighbors were around to hear what had just happened, and my jaw just about dropped.

Across the street was my ex-lover Fenris, staring up at me. My heart plunged into my stomach. How long had he been standing there? Did he hear Anders and I making love? His face was unreadable. He just stared at me with a blank expression. We stood there, staring at one another for several moments, and then he turned and quickly walked away, never glancing back. Lovely. Just what I needed to be thinking about after I had spent the night with Anders. I did not need or want Fenris in my thoughts right now. I felt guilty, although I knew that I shouldn't have. He had his opportunity to be with me, and he left. I had done nothing wrong, and wasn't about to ruin my night with Anders by feeling bad for Fenris. I stepped back into my bedroom and closed and locked the balcony door.

Anders was fully clothed and standing at my fireplace. I walked over to him and he pulled me into his embrace.

"I love you. I've been holding back from saying that. You should have a normal life, not be tied down to a fugitive with no future. But I don't ever want to leave you." My heart was about to burst. Anders loved me. He really loved me.

"Don't ever leave." His eyes softened even more and a look of delight spread across his entire face.

"Do you mean that? Would you have me here, living with you? Would you tell the world, the Knight-Commander, that you love an apostate and you will stand beside him?"

It took me a brief second to take this in. I hadn't meant to ask him to move in when I said I didn't want him to ever leave, but now that the opportunity presented itself, I was filled with pure bliss. I had been so scared that he would leave just like Fenris had but here he was, ready to make a huge commitment to me.

"I want you right here, until the day we die."

"For three years I have lain awake every night aching for you. I'm still terrified I'll wake up." We wrapped our arms around each other and began kissing again. Soon after that we were naked in bed a second time, kissing and moaning and making love. He held me in his arms all night, and the next morning when I awoke, he was still holding me close. He had not woken up in the night screaming from a nightmare from what I could tell. He certainly never disturbed me in my sleep. As I stared at him lovingly, he slept with a smile on his face. I could have stayed in his arms forever.


	11. A birthday surprise

I had fallen asleep admiring Anders' face for a few moments, and when I woke again, my bed was empty. My heart began to race like crazy. That all too familiar feeling of abandonment returned. Something told me that he would change his mind. I made my way down the stairs, feeling as low as I could get, when I heard Anders voice coming from the kitchen. My mother was laughing at a story he was telling her. I turned the corner and there was my man, cooking breakfast for everyone.

"Good morning, love," he approached me and tenderly kissed my cheek. "I've asked your mother if it was alright with her if I stay. I wanted to make sure she was okay with the situation, as this is the home she grew up in."

"Of course, you are more than welcome Anders. Why, I'm just surprised it took you two this long." My mother was absolutely beaming. She so often pleaded with me to dress and act more feminine so I could find a husband. While Anders and I were far from considering marriage, I was sure Mother did not see it that way.

When we finished our meal, Orana gathered our dishes and began to clean up. Anders offered to help her but she refused. She seemed to take great pride in taking care of the estate.

"You know Anders, it's my Marian's birthday in a few days," my Mother gushed at him.

"I remembered," he smiled and put his arm around my waist. "How were you planning on celebrating this year, love?"

"I wasn't."

"But it's your birthday. There is no way you are going to spend your day running around for the Viscount, and then ending it with drinks at the Hanged Man. You can do that any other day."

"Yes dear, leave the planning to Anders and I. We will take care of everything for you."

"It's my birthday, don't I get a say in it?"

"No, afraid not." Anders teased me. He and my mother were getting along so well. Before the Blight my mother had taken great pride in throwing birthday parties for her children, so maybe I should just let her this year. I had refused her offers the previous years since we had been in Kirkwall. Maybe it was time to stop being so stubborn.

"All right, all right. Nothing too fancy. Just a few friends over for dinner and some drinks."

"Wonderful. Oh Darling, don't you worry. I will take care of everything." She hurried out of the estate, already making arrangements no doubt.

"See what you did, Anders?"

"What? Look how excited she is. Hawke, you're the only child she has living with her. She's only seen Carver a handful of times since he joined the Templars. Let her do this for you." I sighed out loud.

"I know. You're right."

"You have to let go of your need to protect everyone around you and let your loved ones take care of you from time to time. You deserve it. Look, I will go to the Hanged Man later on and tell your friends about it. All you need to do is go to the Viscount and let him know that you will need two days off."

"Why two?"

"Well, birthday celebrations usually involve the guest of honour partaking in a wee bit too much alcohol. So I've heard anyways." Anders eyes were narrowed with smile lines. I had never seen him smile so much in all the time I'd known him. He was a nurturer, and that was something I needed in my life. I thought of how I woke up to seeing a smile in his face, and remembered how he did not startle me with nightmares at all.

"Anders, can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Last night, did you have any nightmares?"

"I did, yes. But not nearly as terrible as they usually are. I only woke up a little startled at one point, but then I remembered you were in my arms." I leaned forward and kissed him.

"Thank you."

"What for?"

"For being so good to me."

* * *

Anders had more work to do at his clinic (when didn't he?), so I told him that I could handle going to the Hanged Man and inviting my friends. Plus, I couldn't wait to tell Isabela everything that had happened the previous night. It was just before dusk when I arrived. I headed over to Varric's suite, and there was a game of Diamondback being played. The whole gang was there, including Fenris. Of course he would be there, I have no idea why I thought otherwise. I felt a flush hit my cheeks.

"Come to lose all your coin, Hawke?" Varric teased. Everyone glanced my way. Everyone except Fenris, that is. His eyes remained glued to his cards, as if the world's greatest secrets were spread across them.

"No, I'm not staying. My mother has insisted that I must have a birthday celebration this year, so I've come to invite you all."

"A birthday party, huh?" Isabela sauntered over to me. "And how old will the birthday girl be this year?"

"Twenty five." Fenris spoke, still not looking away from the hand he had been dealt, despite that no one had been playing since my arrival.

"When is the celebration?" Sebastian asked.

"Three nights from now. Come just before dark."

"Would it be alright if I bring a guest?" I looked over towards Aveline.

"You mean Donnic, don't you?" She blushed and nodded. Donnic was Aveline's new boyfriend. I was glad she was finally moving on with her life. I could tell she had desperately missed Ser Wesley, but she deserved to find love again. For the first time since I had known her, she seemed truly happy.

"Of course you can bring him."

"Ooh, a birthday party means presents! The Dalish never celebrate with birthday parties. What shall we get you, Hawke?" Merrill squealed with delight.

"Kitten, the whole point in getting presents is to keep the gift a surprise." Isabela answered her.

"Seriously, no need to buy me anything. All you need to do is show up."

"You just want us to come to your home, eat your food, and drink you dry, with no kind of disbursement? You're my kind of host!" Varric joked.

"How could I expect anything from my clever little dwarf when your company is more than enough?" I playfully flirted with Varric.

"Aww, you're sweet. Not so loud though, Bianca might get jealous!"

Isabela managed to get me away from the group. We entered her suite and closed the door.

"So, a little birdy told me that you and the healer got to know each other really well." She winked at me.

"Who on earth told you that?" The only person who knew other than Anders and myself would have been Fenris, if he did in fact hear us from the street. It was killing me not knowing.

"Let's just say a certain brooding elf came in here drunk as a skunk last night, and got real chatty."

"You're kidding."

"I kid you not, Hawke."

"What did he say?"

" 'Damned woman ought to keep her doors shut, I ought to rip that abomination's heart out, serves me right for going to apologize,' so on and so forth." I groaned out loud. Isabela continued. "He honestly wasn't making a lot of sense. He was wasted by the time he got here. And before you worry, he wasn't complaining to me. He was talking to Varric, and I just happen to have very good ears. So Hawke, tell me. What happened?"

"Well, Anders came over and...we...he..."

"Did he curl your toes? Praise your Maker? Shank your Jory? Explore your Deep Roads? Or master your taint? That's an old one."

"Yes! We had sex. Geez, you have a lot more of those saved up don't you?"

"You know it. So...how was he? Did he...show you that little electricity trick of his?" Ugh, I completely forgot. Isabela and Anders slept together years ago. I totally forgot about said electric skill. Now I was feeling hurt and left out that he would please her in such a way and not me. I must have been pouting.

"Oh sweet thing, don't worry. Anders adores you, he was probably just really nervous. I'm sure he has many tricks up his sleeve that he hasn't ravished you with yet."

"He said he loves me."

"Aww, how sweet. But tell me Hawke, how did Fenris know that you two slept together?" Colour rushed to my cheeks again.

"I feel awful Isabela. My balcony door ended up being open, I had no idea. After we made love, I went to close it, but before that I stepped out to see if any of my neighbors had heard...and there he was. Oh, he must hate me."

"Ouch, must have been awkward. From what I gathered from his drunken stupor, he was there before Anders first arrived."

"You mean...?"

"He listened to the whole thing."

"Oh Maker, why in the world would he do that? Why was he even there in the first place?"

"Who knows. That elf is a strange one. Or just maybe, he gets off on being a voyeur." she laughed.

"This so isn't funny right now."

"Oh, I know. He has been here drinking since last night. He slept it off a bit in Varric's room, but went right back to drinking as soon as he woke up."

"He's never going to forgive me, is he?"

"Hawke, he has no right to bitch and moan because you moved on to another man. He is the one who left like the sorry ass he is. I saw how bad he hurt you. He's just being a typical man. Doesn't like others playing with his toy. You are not his property."

"I suppose you're right."

"Of course I am. So, Anders, and Justice? That must be exciting! As they say, two's company, but three is better."

"I don't think whoever made that claim had a Fade spirit in mind."

"Perhaps he thinks you're too good of a person, and isn't willing to smite you. That would be a shame, wouldn't it? Everyone deserves a good smiting now and then. I could use one right this minute."

"Is that all you ever think about?"

"No, there's ships, and gold, and all right, sex. The three greatest pleasures in life. Was the pleasure all yours last night? Please Hawke, divulge me in a few nasty details."

"I will say that the man knows what he is doing."

"Good, then I guess I did teach him a thing or two." I glared at Isabela. She was definitely crossing a line now. "Just kidding! Geez, I thought you getting laid would help you relax a little. Prude."

I decided not to mention that Anders had moved in. I wasn't ready for the world to know yet. Scratch that, I wasn't ready for Fenris to know yet. Not until I knew that he was okay. But that was for another night. I said goodbye to my friends before leaving. Fenris never looked up once. I was reassured that it was for the best he not know just how serious Anders and I were just yet. All he knew was that we slept together. If I had known what his reaction would be, I would have cancelled the birthday celebration. I had no idea what was to come.

* * *

On my birthday morning I awoke to a tingling between my legs. It took me a second to realise that Anders was performing oral sex. I would have to fall asleep naked more often, I thought to myself.

"Mmmaker Anders, what are you doing?" I breathed out.

"Giving you your first birthday present. Just enjoy it." He went back to licking my folds and I softly moaned. His tongue was applying the lightest amount of pressure and it felt incredible. I was still a little sore from our intense session of lovemaking the previous night, and he was clearly paying mind to how sensitive I was down there. He gently toyed my entrance with a single finger, ever so slowly moving just the tip of it in and out. I bucked forward, wanting more, and his whole finger slid inside of me. I moaned louder now, and his licks increased in speed and pressure. He teasingly moved his head quickly from side to side, hitting new nerves that I didn't even know existed.

"Yes, yes!" I cried out with ecstasy, and pushed his head forwards. He lapped up my clit with a vicious speed and I trembled beneath him. A second finger now entered me and I bucked my hips into his hand, impaling myself with his digits.

His fingers explored my inner walls, curling at just the right spot. He moved them in and out of me, and they became drenched with a mixture of my excitement and his saliva. His pinky finger lightly grazed my back entrance, and I jolted forward, surprised at the sensation.

"Is this alright?"

"Please, don't stop, I'm so close." He chuckled, and continued to pleasure me. His tongue hit all the right spots as his fingers plunged into my core. Three fingers were in me now and he lightly stroked my other hole, never entering. Feeling all three spots stimulated at once was too much to handle. My orgasm came forth and I nearly screamed. My walls gripped his fingers, I could feel them being pushed out but he kept his pace, pushing them back in despite what my body was doing. His tongue flicked my bud until I could take no more and pushed his head away with my hands.

"Oh...wow." was all managed to say.

"Good?" He asked me.

"Anders, please don't let this get to your head, but that had to be the most intense climax I have ever had in my whole life." He had a huge grin on his face.

"Has no one ever played with you back there before?"

"Well, once or twice, but it always hurt."

"They clearly were doing it wrong then." He climbed on top of me and kissed me passionately. He pulled his mouth away and began to get dressed.

"Don't you want sex?" I asked.

"Today is about your pleasure. I have something in mind for you later tonight, after your party. I don't want you getting too sore before then." Anders kissed my neck and then stood up.

"You can go back to sleep love. I'll bring your breakfast to you when it's done."

"Is there anything you can't do?"

"Fly." he joked before he left my room. I was grinning ear to ear. I thought maybe tonight wouldn't be so bad afterall.

* * *

My mother really outdid herself. There was ribbon everywhere. Purples, blues, reds, and pinks covered my entire mansion. Clearly my she took full advantage that I was letting her throw me a party. She let Sandal help her decorate, which he thoroughly enjoyed. "Enchantment!" he exclaimed when they were finished.

Orana and mother spent the better half of the day in the kitchen. I could not believe the feast they prepared. A roast chicken, plenty of appetizers, and salads were spread across the dining area. She even baked my favorite dessert which I had not had since we lived in Ferelden. I was truly touched at the amount of effort she had gone through, and it wasn't until that moment that I realised just how much this meant to her.

Anders arrived back home before any of the guests got there. He came in with a bouquet of red roses. I greeted him with a kiss before accepting the flowers and placing them in a vase upon my writing desk. Soon after that, my friends arrived. Isabela, Merrill, Sebastian, Varric, Aveline, Donnic, and to our surprise, Carver. My mother burst into tears when he walked through the door. He embraced both of us and held us for a minute or two.

"I can't stay long. I just wanted to come by and wish you a happy birthday, sister."

"Well, in that case, we should eat now. You don't want to miss out on the food mother prepared."

Gamlen showed up halfway through dinner and barely said hi to me. Clearly, he came for the food. Drinks were passed around left and right, and we were having a blast. I looked at an empty chair I set out just in case Fenris did decide to come. He was there for the invite, but I knew there was a good chance he wouldn't show. Anders helped Orana clear the table, and I took that opportunity to question Isabela. I whispered over to her "Fenris didn't say anything about coming did he?"

"No, sorry sweetling. After you left the Hanged Man the other night, he kept to himself. You can't expect him to want to be here after...you know."

"I know, it just doesn't feel the same without him around anymore. I do miss his friendship." As soon as I spoke the words, I heard my front door close. When I glanced over, Fenris was standing in the dining entrance, present in hand.

"Hey Broody, glad to see you came out!" Varric greeted him. Fenris walked over to the counter and placed his gift where all the others were stashed for the time being. Just then, Anders came back in the room and saw him there. A look of disapproval came across his face, and he quickly took his place beside me. Fenris scowled at him and sat beside Carver.

My mother said she would leave me to my friends, and she retired to her bedroom, but not before giving Carver a big hug and kiss. He left soon after, followed by my Uncle Gamlen. Isabela insisted I open my presents.

Merrill bounced over to me as quick as she could.

"Here, open mine first!" I giggled at her excitement. So many times she reminded me of a small child, it was adorable. I opened the wrapping and it was a book of spells.

"Do you like it?"

"Of course I do Merrill. Thank you."

My friends went around, giving me their gifts. Varric had written me all the rules to their card games, so I could join in once in awhile. Aveline and Donnic had brought me a bottle of wine. Sebastian brought incense and candles from the Chantry. Isabela handed me a nicely wrapped box in red and black cloth. I opened it, and inside the box were bottles of lotions, lubes, and a guide to different sexual positions. My jaw dropped and Varric burst out laughing.

"Well thank the Maker my mother is in bed!"

"Oh, you will love it. I know Anders will too." She nudged him and he smiled. Fenris cleared his throat, and I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat.

"Isabela, don't you find it a tad inappropriate to bring such a lewd gift?" Sebastian scolded her.

"What? You brought candles! Do you have any idea the amount of fun you can have with those things?" Sebastian blushed at her comments.

I slowly looked to Fenris who was now downing his drink. He had been drinking since he arrived, and even then he smelled of alcohol to begin with. The only presents I had left to open were his and Anders', and Fenris left his gift on the shelf for some reason. I guessed he wanted me to open it later on. Anders came over with a small box. I opened it with delight, and inside I saw one of the most beautiful rings I had ever seen. It was a black diamond shaped into a heart with a silver band.

"Anders, it's beautiful." I gasped.

"You deserve the best. I had to find a way to thank you, for allowing me to live in your heart, and your home." The room fell silent. I guess it was time to announce our living arrangement.

"You two, are living together?" Sebastian was the first to speak.

"In sin." Isabela chuckled.

"Yes, it's true. Anders moved in a few nights ago." I spoke softly, terrified to look at Fenris.

"Well, another reason to celebrate then!" Varric raised his glass. I finally looked up, and Fenris for once, had an expression other than anger. He looked crushed, and it hurt me to think I was the one who put that look on his face. He looked up at me, and then stood up: to leave, I assumed. Isabela went to say something to him, but he held his hand in front of her face. In the process of him storming away he bumped into the table and knocked over some wine.

"Hey!" Anders yelled but he was already out of sight.

"It's fine, I'll get it." I grabbed a cloth from the kitchen, and tried to scrub the wine out of the tablecloth, but it was not coming out.

"I'll be a minute, I have some better cloths in my room for this sort of thing." I excused myself from the group in the dining hall. I walked all the way up my stairs and entered my bedroom. I walked over to a drawer in my room when I heard my bedroom door click behind me. I whipped around, and standing there was Fenris. He hadn't left like I assumed. He was waiting to get me alone. He staggered over to me, clearly inebriated. The smell of alcohol on his breath was apparent as he neared. His glance moved over to my bed.

"The last time I saw you here, it was I who was in your bed."

"Yes, and you left."

"You are living with the abomination now?" I looked at my feet, not able to face him in the eyes.

"Yes Fenris, I am."

"I heard you the other night. Moaning and calling out his name."

"I...I know. And I am deeply sorry you had to find out that way. Why were you outside my home? Isabela told me that you were there before Anders even came by."

"I was going to apologize, for treating you the way I have been."

"I'm so sorry, Fenris."

"I discovered something of interest while listening to you two."

"What would that be?"

"I think you enjoyed me better."

"Fenris!" Was he being serious? I knew he was drunk and hurting, but it felt uncalled for.

"It's true. You sounded like you were acting with him. But with me, it was real. Every moan, every quiver, you loved it." He was backing me into the wall now, and I felt nervous.

"Fenris, what do you want from me?"

"I want you to admit it, that you still want me."

"Fenris.." He pushed his body into mine and I could feel his hot breath on my face.

"He is a dangerous man, Hawke."

"And you're not?"

"I would never hurt you, Hawke."

"You already have, Fenris." His eyes looked down at me, and for a second he stopped. Only for a second. He pushed into me more, and I could feel that he was aroused.

"Tell me to stop, and I will." I looked up at him. I thought back to the night with him. Him taking me in my bed, demanding me to take him in my mouth, to do as I was told. I felt hot, feeling his erection push into me, but I knew it was wrong. He left me, and I had fallen in love with someone else. Still, the memories lingered.

"I can't."

"Yes you can." He sank his hardness further into my leggings and it felt as if he was so close to being inside me.

"Tell me to stop, and I will."

"I.."

"You can't, can you? Think of how it felt to have me inside you, to have me take you from behind and have you explode all over me. Remember when I.."

"What the hell are you doing to her?" Anders bolted across the room and threw him to the ground. Fenris staggered back up.

"Talking." was all he said.

"Oh, it looked more than talking to me. It sounded like a seductive little walk down memory lane. Hawke has moved on and now you regret it. You were an idiot to leave Hawke!"

"And _you_ were fast enough to replace me!"

"I love her. You can't even imagine what that is."

"Do not bare your heart to me, mage, unless you would have me rip it out."

I was now standing in between them, as they were having their screaming match.

"A little help!" I called and Aveline and Donnic were there to break them up. Aveline pulled on Fenris.

"Come on, you're drunk. You should sleep it off."

"Get your hands off me, I can let myself out." I followed him down the stairs, Anders with Donnic holding him back slightly followed me. Just before Fenris walked out the door, he turned to Anders one last time.

"Be good to her. Break her heart, and I will kill you." and with that, he was gone.

* * *

**Authors notes: This had to be my favorite chapter to write so far. I was going to include more, but decided to break it down into 2 chapters instead. Leave a review and let me know what you thought :-) **


	12. An unpleasant discovery

The door slammed shut as Fenris left. Anders came running to my side and pulled me in his embrace.

"Are you alright, love?"

"Yes, I'm fine." What else could I say? Fenris propositioned me, and for a moment I was tempted. What if Anders wasn't there? No, I would not betray him, no matter how my body reacted to Fenris' touch. It was all very confusing. Fenris pushed me away until I was with Anders, and now he was what? Seducing me? My head began to hurt trying to figure out what had just happened.

My friends began to help me clean up. It seemed after their little brawl, the party was over. So much for enjoying my night.

After everyone parted, Anders asked me to stay downstairs for a few minutes. He said he needed to get my final surprise ready. Five minutes later, he emerged from my bedroom and told me he was ready.

When I entered my room there were candles everywhere. All the lotions and lubes Isabela bought me were displayed on the shelf beside my bed.

"Isabela told me what she was getting you. I thought I would put her gift to good use, starting now." He leaned down and kissed me. My lips parted and his tongue entered my mouth. His arms wrapped around my waist and he lifted me and laid me on the bed. I felt his hands unbutton and pull at my clothes with his lips still on mine.. I was completely naked within seconds.

"Roll on your stomach." I smiled and complied. Anders undressed himself and knelt over top of me, his legs on either side of my hips. I could feel him reach over and the sound of moisture slipping between his hands was heard. He spread the oil all over my neck and back. He kneaded at my tense shoulders and I felt my worries melt into his hands. His strong hands moved back in forth all across my back, and I knew this was not something he was new at.

"Mmmm" I sighed at his touch.

"This feel alright?"

"Yes."

His hands moved lower, into the small of my back. He rubbed, kneaded, and circled my lower back, and then my backside. His touch was warm and comforting. Over and over his hands went, eventually down my legs, feet, and back up to my buttocks again. His hands spent extra time there and I did not complain. He slipped his hands forward, under my belly, and began to stroke my sex and I moaned.

"I have a confession to make."

"And what would that be?"

"Isabela came to me, when she told me what she was getting you. She mentioned that you seemed a little upset that I had not been pleasing you in the way you thought I would." I began to blush, and I could feel myself turning red all over my body. I tingled and felt uncomfortable, and Anders laughed.

"Anders, I love everything you have done to me. You've been incredible. It's just...I've heard Isabela talk, and well...I felt a little left out."

"I did not mean to neglect your curiosity, love. Tell me, have you ever been with another mage before?" I shook my head.

"So you've not tried out your own magic on a lover, yourself?" Again, I shook my head, feeling like an inexperienced virgin.

"Would you like me to show you?"

"Yes please." I grinned, and he flipped me on my back. He started kissing my neck and his hands went to my nipples, gently caressing them. I could feel heat radiating from them, and vibrations came from his touch. I looked down and could see little pulses of electricity emitting from his fingers and he ever so lightly grazed my skin. It tingled and gave off a pleasurable sensation, nothing like I had experience before.

"Wow." I breathed out.

"You can do it too. Think of your lighting spell, but only use a little bit of mana. That way you won't cast it and the spell itself will remain at your touch." Focussing on my fingers, I thought of the spell and sure enough tiny little sparks came from my fingers.

"Very good. Now touch me like I am touching you. Gently."

I raised my hands to his chest, and lightly touched over his nipples as he was doing to mine. He gasped out and sunk his lips upon mine again. His erection pushed against my stomach and I wanted to touch him there. I lowered my touch and his breathing became heavy.

"Be gentle, love." I lightly grabbed his member and stroked it with soft movements. He moaned louder in my ear, and a sense of pride came over me. This trick could come in handy, I thought.

Anders sucked on one of my nipples and rolled the other in between his vibrating fingers as I stroked him. My loins ached and I needed his touch. I arched my back and he started to kiss down my navel again. My hands grabbed the sheets under me as he waved a finger above my clit and I jolted at the touch. Surges of vibrations coursed through my center and I bit my lip. Another finger protruded inside of me as he waved the other across me. The finger he had inside me pulsed as the other did as he moved it in and out. I could feel my inner walls clench his finger, as I neared an orgasm. I moaned and he quickened his speed, curling his finger around that pleasure spot inside me and I cried out as my climax took hold of my body. Wave after wave crashed through me as I moved my hips back and forth joining the rhythm of his hand. I slowly opened my eyes as I came to and he climbed on top of me, placing his member in between my legs. With one quick thrust, he was fully inside of me and I moaned even louder now.

Anders grinded his hips into mine. One hand explored my breast, still sending small electric shocks throughout me. He sucked on my earlobe and I bucked my hips forward, meeting his deep thrusts.

"I love what you're doing to me," I confessed in as seductive of a voice I could give him.

"I want to do so much more," he panted in between thrusts.

"Do as you will with me, I am yours for the taking," I moaned out into his ear. Anders flipped me over and got off the bed. He stood right by the edge. He pulled me towards him and I arched my back. He plunged inside of me as he stood with me bent over in front of him. Pleasure ripped through my body as he completely filled me, this position allowing him to have much deeper thrusts.

"Oh yes, love!" he sighed out while pumping his delicious length into me. I clenched my tightness, contracting my muscles to pleasure him more. He reached forward and toyed with my nub once more, and again I welcomed the vibrations. I grabbed onto my bed sheets as another mind blowing orgasm surged through me. He grasped onto my hips and with a cry, he came inside of me as I was still moaning from my own climax.

Anders planted a bunch of kisses in between my shoulder blades as he pulled out of me. I rolled over and he collapsed on the bed beside me. He took my hand in his and toyed with the heart shaped ring on my finger.

"Do you really like it?"

"What, the ring or the sex?"

"The ring," he laughed. "I already know that you love the sex."

"I adore it Anders, just as I adore you."

* * *

I slept in until noon as my schedule allowed it for once. I was glad to have taken two days off instead of just the one like I originally planned. Anders left early, as he surely had patients waiting for him. I had a quick bath before heading downstairs.

My mother was full of questions. She of course heard some of the ruckus from the fight last night, and I ensured her that everything was fine. When I was done eating my lunch she came over to me.

"Dear, it looks like there's one more present for you." She handed me the gift, and I recognised it as the one Fenris left behind. Amidst all the commotion that occurred, I forgot all about it. I excused myself to my library and sat down in the chair to open it.

There was a note that was attached which caught my attention immediately. My reading lessons with Fenris stopped after he bedded me and I only briefly went over printing a few times with him. I opened the note with anticipation.

"Hawke. I found this book in the marcet and it reminded me of you. I finished the other on my own. I hope won day we can read this to. -Fenris"

I smiled immediately. He had written me a letter, probably his first. His spelling errors made me laugh, but not _at_ him, mind you. I felt very proud of him in that moment, despite what was going on between us (which I wasn't even clear of at the moment).

I opened the wrapping and in my hands was a book of poems, love poems to be exact. A mix of emotions came over me. The gesture was sweet, but the timing was all wrong. I had no idea what he wanted or expected of me. I begged and pleaded him to talk to me, and he seemed to want nothing to do with me. As soon as I moved on, he tried to seduce me and gave me a book of love poems. I shook my head. I had no idea what to say or think. I needed to talk to him. I didn't know if going to his mansion alone was a good idea, especially after what happened the night before. I thought of bringing Isabela or Varric along with me just in case, but decided against it. No, this was a private matter and needed to be dealt with as such. But the more I thought about it, the more I decided that I needed to give Fenris some space. If I went over there right away, it might be a replay of what happened the previous evening, and that would get us nowhere. No, I needed to keep things strictly business for a few weeks at least. And then when I felt the timing was right, I would confront him.

* * *

Three weeks later, I decided it was time to have a little heart to heart with Fenris. We had only seen each other a few times, when I was passing through the market or needed him on a mission. I felt an appropriate time passed for both of us to collect our thoughts. I grabbed my staff and headed out the door.

I knocked on Fenris' door for what seemed like ages. Finally, he opened the door to me and he looked beyond hungover. He had been drinking an awful lot lately, and I was beginning to become concerned.

"Not feeling too good?"

"It was my own doing. Did you want to come in?"

"Yes please, Fenris." I entered his home and we walked over to a sitting area. He sat down in a chair and I took a seat across from him. "We've never spoken about that night at my party, and I wanted to clear the air."

"I guess I should apologize for my actions. I embarrassed you that night, undeservedly so. I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for that. You did not deserve that scene on your birthday of all days."

"I didn't come here for an apology, Fenris. I wanted to ask you about your gift."

"Oh, the book, yes. I thought it might be inappropriate. I bought it before I knew of you and...him. I found it just before our night together. I had been planning on giving it to you for some time, I just never found the right moment."

"I see. Fenris, our reading sessions don't have to stop. I am still willing to teach you."

"No, it would not be appropriate anymore. Not after what happened."

"What came over you that night? I'm so confused right now."

"I was...nothing Hawke. I just felt...nostalgic, being in your home again. That's all."

"I think there's more to it than that Fenris. Why won't you talk to me anymore? We used to be close."

"It's better this way Hawke, trust me."

"Oh, I am growing sick and tired of this game. Why do you keep pushing me away like..." suddenly I did feel sick. A nauseating feeling overwhelmed me, and I needed to get out of there. Talking to Fenris had me so worked up, my nerves were shot, and now I was going to get sick right in the middle of his floor. I shot up and ran to the door but didn't quite make it. I leaned over into a pot with a wilting plant in it and began to vomit. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life, worse than the drunken mess I made of myself at The Hanged Man those weeks ago.

"Hawke, oh..." he stopped, and I wished he would leave me in peace. He walked to the other room for a minute, and returned with a towel and some water. I stopped being ill and sat there, head in hands.

"Oh, Fenris, I am so, so sorry."

"You have a penchant for getting sick in my presence," he joked as he handed me the towel. I wiped my face and took a slow sip of the water.

"I have no idea what just happened."

"Did you maybe have a few too many drinks last night? I saw you at the Hanged Man with Isabela."

"I suppose I did." That couldn't be it. I woke up feeling fine, and barely had any alcohol while I was there. "I really am sorry about your plant."

"I was planning on throwing it away, anyhow."

I brushed myself off and apologised profusely. He told me I should go home and rest, so I left.

* * *

Four days later I was not doing much better. Every time I felt as if I were fine, I became ill again. I felt exhausted and didn't get out of bed much. Anders was worried but I assured him I would be fine at home. I know he was a very busy man and there were people who needed him a lot more than I did.

Mother came in to check on me that afternoon. "Feeling better, darling?"

"For now. I have no idea what's come over me. One minute I'm fine, the next my head is in a bucket."

"You've been resting quite a bit too dear, this must be some flu."

"I suppose it has to be. I am incredibly tired, my back hurts, and I keep vomiting. I can't even leave the house without fear of embarrassing myself like I did the other day."

"Dear, I hate to pry but...you and Anders. Have you been...you know...taking proper precautions?"

It hit me like a brick. How could we be so naive, after that scare nearly two months prior? Everything just happened so fast, I wasn't using my head. I had been so busy running around for the Viscount, and at night I was consumed with Anders. He never said anything to remind me either. What on earth were we thinking?

"Oh Maker, please no..."

"Maybe you should go see Anders. Have him examine you, dear." I jumped out of bed, ready to do just that.

"Be careful, sweetheart!" my mother called at me as I bolted out the door.

* * *

I arrived at Anders' clinic and he was sitting in his chair, reading over his manifesto. He looked up at me and smiled.

"Couldn't wait to get me home to yourself?"

"Anders, I need you to be honest with me."

"Of course. Are you alright? You haven't gotten sick again, have you?"

"Did you...I mean..did we...ugh."

"Easy now. What's wrong?"

"I think I might be pregnant."

"You...oh...OH!"

"I am an idiot. We haven't exactly been careful. I have not taken any contraception and well, you never mentioned it. I guess we both forgot."

"I just assumed you were getting the potions from another source. I should have asked. I'm sorry Hawke, it was just as much my responsibility as yours. Did you...want me to examine you?"

"Please, I need to know."

I lay back on one of his cots, and Anders felt my abdomen. He waved his hands over me and pressed down. A glow emitted from him and he sat with a concentrated look on his face. He stared several moments, which felt like eternity. He grabbed my hand and helped me sit forward.

"Well, what?" I demanded. A smile spread across his face. "You're...you're pregnant." He said and embraced me. No...no no no, this couldn't be happening. Oh shit. Anders pulled away and noticed the frown on my face.

"Hawke, please, don't be upset. I promise, I'll take care of you and the little one. I love you."

"Anders..."

"What's wrong?" I sighed out, and was trembling all over. I felt dizzy and devastated, afraid that our fairy tale romance was about to come to its end.

"Anders, I haven't bled since...since..."

"Since when?"

"Since before me and Fenris..." He became pale and had to sit down.

"You..you mean that this baby..?" Yes my love, you're right.

* * *

**Authors notes: PHEW! Took me what...12 chapters to get to this point? The pregnancy and not knowing who the father is was always my first plot idea when writing this story, so everything that came before then just kind of happened! Please let me know your thoughts :-) Thanks for reading and all the emails/reviews that have been coming my way! You guys are the best. **


	13. You will be the death of me

"This baby might not be yours." The words hung in the air, as we both went silent. Anders buried his head in his hands. I knew he must have felt devastated. When he finally looked up, he had a determined look on his face.

"I once told you I would drown us in blood to keep you safe, and I meant it. This baby could be born a half-darkspawn and I wouldn't care. I love you Hawke, and I want to help you raise this child, no matter who its biological father may be."

"Are you sure about that Anders? You despise Fenris. What if..." I paused, having trouble forming the words. "What if the baby is his? Could you truly be with me, helping me raise his offspring?"

"I don't care about that. All I care about is you. For all we know it could be my child, anyway. We won't be certain until the time comes. So please, let me help you."

"There are other options. I don't...I don't know if I'm going to keep it, Anders. "

"You can't possibly mean...Maker, Hawke. Please don't tell me you're considering getting rid of our child."

"It might be easier this way, Anders. We wouldn't necessarily have to terminate it. I could go away for the time being, and after it's born we could leave it at the Chantry steps." Even hearing my own words, I knew I would never consider either of these options. This baby was a part of me, and if I had to raise it on my own, I would.

"Sweetheart, listen to yourself. Are you the kind of woman who would leave her own flesh and blood on the doorsteps for strangers to decide the fate of? I know you, and I know this is something you aren't capable of." I sighed a deep breath of relief.

"No, of course not."

"So it's settled then?"

"Yes, I'm going to keep the baby."

"Oh, good." Anders breathed out, seeming to be just as relieved as I was. I now had to bring up an even more uncomfortable subject matter, if that were even possible.

"I have no idea what I'm going to say to Fenris. He's not going to take this news well."

"What?! You're going to tell him?"

"I have to, Anders. This child might be his."

"Please don't." His eyes filled with worry. "I can't stand the thought of losing you."

"Why would you lose me?"

"Hawke, I've seen the man. He still wears your family crest. And after your birthday, seeing him touching you that way...no. What do you think he'll do if he finds out you may be carrying his child?"

"He'd eventually notice me walking around with a half-elven baby, don't you think? Don't be ridiculous, Anders. He practically ran out of my house just from sleeping with me. When I tell him I'm pregnant, he very well may flee Kirkwall." The thought was unsettling. It made me feel sick to my stomach thinking that Fenris might do such a thing. I became angry suddenly, and clenched my fists. I swore to myself, if he took off, I would personally find him, and he would regret it sorely.

Anders knelt down in front of me and frantically began kissing my belly. "Please." he said in between kisses, his voice full of desperation "I don't want to lose you, my love." More kisses were planted on my abdomen as he grasped onto my hips. He stared into my eyes, pleading with me. I could not believe my ears. Here, I had been terrified he would end our relationship because of my foolishness but instead he was begging me not to leave him.

"You have been wonderful to me, and I couldn't ask for a better partner. But I need to do this. I swear to you, I am not going anywhere. I love you."

"I love you, too." He stood now and cupped my face tenderly in his palms. He leaned down and kissed me, with almost as much passion as our very first kiss had, here in his clinic. I pulled away and stood up.

"Are you going to tell him now?"

"I'm going to visit Isabela first. I need some female advice. Then I will go talk to Fenris." Anders began kissing me again, holding me tight.

"You really do love me?"

"I promise you. I really do love you."

"Alright love. I will be waiting for you at home. Please don't take too long."

* * *

When I arrived at the Hanged Man, Varric informed me that Isabela was "entertaining" a guest in her suite. I decided I could wait. I sat with Varric. He offered me a drink, but I shook my head.

"Woah, there's a first. Everything alright, Hawke? You don't exactly look your best."

"Gee, thanks Varric."

"Is everything okay with you and Blondie?"

"Yes, Anders and I are fine. We're just going through a rough patch right now."

"Cheer up, Hawke. I'm sure everything will work out."

"I hope you're right, Varric."

Isabela emerged, her hair a mess. She was with some male elven prostitute I had seen at the Rose before. I guessed he liked Isabela enough to sleep with her even when he wasn't charging for it. She slapped his rear as he walked away from her.

"Now that's a man I will never tire of." She said as she swayed her hips our way.

"Isabela, can I talk to you in private?"

"Ouch! Way to hurt me and Bianca's feelings."

"Sorry Varric, but this is something I don't want to end up in one of your stories. I promise, you will find out soon enough."

Isabela brought me to her room and closed the door. It still smelled of sex and the bed was unmade. I felt a little uncomfortable.

"Alright Hawke, what seems to be the problem now?"

"Promise not to breathe a word of this."

"That juicy, huh?"

"Isabela, I'm serious. Not a word."

"Alright, alright. What's crawled up your ass?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Okay! Clearly something did not crawl up your ass but somewhere else." she joked. "Does Anders know yet?"

"Yes, he knows, but that's not the issue."

"I'm not following."

"I'm not sure if that contraception potion he used on me after Fenris was effective or not. I haven't bled since before then."

"Oh shit."

"'Oh shit' is right! What the hell am I going to do? And what will I tell Fenris?"

"Okay, calm down. Have a drink." I shot a look at her.

"Or...don't have a drink. The elf is flighty, so you may want to brace him before you tell him."

"How do you brace someone like Fenris for this? 'Oh hey, remember when we slept together, and you got so scared you ran off? By the way, I'm pregnant, and you might be the father. Or it might be the child of that man I'm sleeping with that you hate so much.'"

"Good point. Sorry, Hawke. I really don't know an easy way out of this. You could always try getting him stinking drunk and then telling him. That way it's like you told him, but he probably won't remember!" I blankly stared at her. "No? Alright then. That's all I got."

"Such a help you are." She put her arm around my neck and kissed my cheek.

"It'll be alright my girl. Just try to make sure he doesn't have anything near him that he can throw."

* * *

When I left Isabela's room, Fenris was sitting at Varric's table. They had started a card game, and Varric was already winning. I took a good look at him, making sure he was indeed sober. He seemed to be, so I decided that the time had come to tell him the news.

"Sorry to interrupt, boys, but Fenris, we really need to talk."

"Now Broody too? Hawke, are you conspiring against me or something?"

"It can't wait." Fenris sensed my urgency and stood up.

"Another time," he told Varric, and we walked out the door.

"What is it?" he asked, concern was apparent in his tone.

"Can we just get to your place first? I would appreciate the privacy."

"Of course." We were silent the entire way there. When we entered his home, Fenris offered me a drink, but I politely declined.

"I think you may want to take a seat. What I'm about to say may be a little upsetting."

"Just tell me. What is it?" All my nerves began to build up and I was shaking.

"Hawke, you're trembling. Did he...did he hurt you? I will kill him!"

"No no, Fenris..it's nothing like that. Oh Maker, I don't know how to tell you this."

"You're frightening me. Just come out with it."

"I'm with child." I stared at him, waiting for the news to register. His eyes cast downwards, refusing to look at me.

"What do you want me to say? Congratulations? I hope the two of you are very happy together?"

"You don't understand..."

"Don't understand what? You've come to gloat about how happy you are with that abomination? Tell me I got what I deserved in the end for hurting you?"

"That's not it!"

"What then?!" He was practically yelling at me.

"This baby might be yours." I said, just above a whisper.

"What...what did you say?" I looked up at him now, his eyes wide.

"This baby might be yours, Fenris."

"How sure are you?"

"I don't know. I messed up, and I feel like such a fool."

"And what does he say of this?"

"Anders says he wants to raise the baby, no matter what."

"Fasta vass! Like hell that abomination will raise any offspring of mine!"

"What do you want me to do, toss Anders away because you are unhappy with the situation? I don't think so, Fenris. He didn't even want me telling you, but I am, because it is the right thing to do. You deserve to know."

"Mages! Always conspiring! And I suppose this...this child that may be mine...it would be born with the curse of magic?"

"Well, I am it's mother so there's a good possibility."

"As I have said before, I am cursed to have magic hunt me at every turn."

"Yes, I'm a mage. If you despised it so much you should have never slept with me in the first place."

"Well you should have been more careful!"

"You have a responsibility in this too. You could have pulled out. So don't you dare go pointing fingers at me!"

"If you hadn't opened your damned legs so quickly to that apostate you wouldn't be running around wondering who the father of this bastard child is!" I broke down and started to cry. I had a feeling that he was going to hate me for this, and here he was, practically calling me a whore. I turned away from him to try and hide my tears but it was useless. I was sobbing like a child.

"No, Hawke...don't." He went to touch my shoulder and I pulled away from him.

"I don't know what I'm going to do, Fenris." I cried, my back still turned to him. He came up close to me again, and turned me around. His eyes were softer now, and he used his thumbs to wipe the tears off my face.

"Whatever the outcome is, I will be here. Don't cry." He held me to his chest and stroked my hair. I leaned my head into him, as more tears fell from my face. He started whispering Arcanum in my ear, and his whispered words became a song. He started to sing that song I had heard him sing before. The only memory he ever had of his past life. My crying slowed as his words took over. He rocked me in his arms, slowly side to side. Eventually I looked up at him and he stopped.

"What do those words mean?"

"Hush now, young one. Tomorrow is another day. The future looks bright, and I will always cherish you." At that I started to cry again and he grumbled, aggravated now. "Woman, what's with you?"

"Must be...the...hormones." I sobbed.

"Great. How many more months of this blubbering do we have to look forward to?"

"Seven or eight months."

"Festis bei umo canavarum. You will be the death of me." I laughed now, and he let go of me.

"I...I need to be alone. There is a lot you have said that I need to think about."

"Are you going to be alright?"

"Yes. I will be fine."

"Okay, Fenris. Please, don't run off."

"And leave this child to the hands of that healer? Highly unlikely. You will be seeing me soon."

I left his house feeling overwhelmed. I had no idea what was going to come of the situation. At least I told them both, and could sleep with ease tonight. As Fenris said "tomorrow is another day."

* * *

**Authors notes: I have to give a HUGE shout out to my Beta, Shinkshinkshink she helped me with some of the tricky details in this chapter. Definitely the hardest one to write so far, although I think my next chapter will really be putting my writing skills to the test.**


	14. Idle Gossip

Anders was pacing in front of the fireplace in our bedroom when I got home. Upon seeing me he stopped and hurried in my direction.

"You look as if you've been crying. Are you alright? What did he say to you that upset you so?"

"I'm fine. I just got a little emotional. I'm blaming the hormones."

"No, I can tell by that look on your face something happened."

"Well, Fenris wasn't exactly thrilled."

"We don't need him, this child doesn't need him."

"Anders, it seemed to me that he wants to be involved, to some degree."

"Did he say that?"

"Not in those exact words. Can't we just go to bed? I'm exhausted." In all honesty, I didn't want to get into an argument with Anders. By the end of our conversation, Fenris seemed adamant in the desire to care for this child, if it was indeed his. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep.

We both got undressed and climbed into bed. Anders leaned over, his breath on my neck. "Are you too exhausted for this?" His arm wrapped around me and he cupped my sex. I felt that familiar ache instantly and turned over to face him. I could use the distraction.

"I guess I can stay awake a bit longer." Anders smiled and climbed on top of me. His lips grazed mine and soon, he was inside of me.

* * *

A knock at my bedroom door woke me up. I turned over and Anders was no longer there. Groggily, I got out of bed, and put on a house robe. I opened my door and my mother looked frantic.

"Darling, I think you should get downstairs quickly." I could hear loud voices coming from downstairs.

"To the Void with you, elf. Nobody invited you here!"

"I have every much right to be here as you. I may not be with Hawke anymore, but that child may be mine!"

"Mother, could you please go to the market for awhile? Me and these...boys need to have a word." Mother rushed down the stairs making sure to go around Anders and Fenris, and headed out the front door. She was not one for personal confrontations. I marched down and stood in between them. Anders was still in his night robe, his hair a mess. Fenris' eyes glowered at him.

"Okay guys, no fighting in the house when mother is around. What's going on?"

"He just barged in here demanding to see you, and I turned him away. This isn't his home."

"Fenris?"

"I came here simply to talk. Your mother let me in. **He** told me I couldn't speak with you."

"Well, I'm here now. What did you wish to talk about?"

"In front of him? Not a word." Fenris scowled.

"I'm not going anywhere. I live here now, remember?"

"Guys, please, you're giving me a headache." I had eight more months of this bickering to go, and I was already about to lose my mind.

"Fine. Hawke, I came here to tell you that...I want to be involved with your...condition."

"You mean her pregnancy." Anders smirked.

"I know what the word is, mage." He turned his attention back to me. "I know you may not want me here, and that you've moved on. But there's a good chance that you are carrying my offspring. I found a book in Hightown this morning. It says that you should be consuming these." He certainly was taking advantage of his recently acquired ability. Fenris reached in his pocket and handed me a package of herbs.

"What is this?" I asked him.

"The herbalist said you need to be taking those everyday. For the health of the child."

"You aren't needed here. I am more than capable of taking care of her."

"That's not the point!" Fenris yelled, inching closer to Anders. At this rate, they were going to kill each other and my baby would be left fatherless. I stepped in between them.

"Okay, time out! You," I directed my attention to Anders. "You need to get over your pride and accept that Fenris is going to be around. And you," I now turned to Fenris. "You can't just demand to see me. You need to respect boundaries. Now I know things are awkward right now, but please, try to be civil, if not for me, then for the baby." Anders breathed out deeply, clearly aggravated.

"As much as I don't like you, Hawke's right. Stress is bad for the baby. So any yelling...let's do it elsewhere." Fenris exasperatedly shook his head.

"I will be home should you need me, Hawke." Fenris slammed the door as he left. I went to go after him but Anders grabbed my arm.

"You don't need to be running after him. I'm here, aren't I?"

"I'm a big girl, Anders, and I can make my own decisions. This is one of them." I yanked free of his grasp and took off after Fenris. He was still in view so I ran to catch up with him.

"Fenris, wait!" I yelled. He quickly turned around and walked over to me.

"Hawke, is it wise of you to be running around?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Look, I'm sorry about Anders. This whole situation isn't easy for him."

"You think I care for it?"

"Of course not. But please, try to understand. I will do anything I can to try and make things easier on everyone."

"You couldn't possibly understand how I feel, Hawke. To know that someone like him might be raising my own. It was his kind that tortured me for years. I do not care a bit for it."

"Anders is nothing like Danarius. I wish you would see that. You gave me a chance, can you not do the same for him? Please Fenris. I...I still need you in my life. But if you keep pushing like this, I don't know how much more of it Anders will take."

He looked down at me and I could see the frustration in his eyes. I had been caught up in my own worries, and had not given much consideration to how it was effecting Fenris. He had lived a horrible life, tormented by the hand of mages. He still viewed Anders as the enemy, and I was sleeping with him. More than that, I would soon be raising a baby with him.

"I cannot promise anything, but I will do what I can, Hawke."

"Thank you, Fenris. I appreciate that."

"Have you spoken with the Viscount yet?"

"That hasn't exactly been on my to do list."

"You should let him know soon. You can't be charging into battle anymore. We will all have to step in for you until this child is born."

He was right. I was going to have to tell the Viscount that I was with child. I already knew it was going to be an uncomfortable meeting. I was a woman in Hightown, considered as a noble now. It would not reflect well on my family that I was pregnant and unwed. I obviously was going to leave Fenris out of the equation for now. It was known that Anders was living with me, so I would just leave it at that to avoid an even uglier reputation for myself. I did not want Fenris to get caught up in this mess either.

"I suppose I should do that today. Let the gossiping of the nobles commence." I said sarcastically.

"Do you wish me to come with you?"

"You would come with me?"

"For moral support. I said I wanted to be there for you, and I will, should you accept my offer."

"Thank you, Fenris. I would like that." We headed off to the Keep to inform the Viscount of my pregnancy. I knew that Anders would not be pleased that I took Fenris with me instead of him, but in that moment, I didn't care. Fenris had a right to be as involved as he wanted, and I was not about to push him away.

* * *

A few days passed, and I had not gone out other than to pick up food from the market. Isabela came by to tell me how word had gotten round and every corner of Kirkwall was filled with gossip of the "Tart from Hightown". I tried not to let it get to me, but it was still hurtful. Isabela was the only one who knew of my predicament with Fenris, I had not spoken to my other friends yet. I decided that it was time to have a chat with them. I knew Varric was having another card game in his suite. Anders had been busy the past few days, although I felt he was avoiding me. He was furious with me when I told him I took Fenris with me to my meeting with the Viscount. We hadn't slept together after I told him, or in the days that followed. Since our first night together, we made love every night until now. I felt hurt but I knew he needed his space.

I knocked on Varric's door, and he answered with a smile.

"So you are alive." He joked. Everyone looked at me, and I could see the questions burning in their eyes.

"I'm glad you're all here. I'm sure you must be curious about a few things."

"So is it true? Are you going to have a baby?" Merrill asked gleefully.

"Yes. It's true." Merrill squealed and ran over to me to give me a big hug. She gently patted my stomach.

"Are you excited? I'm excited and it's not even mine!" I smiled at her, she could always bring up my spirits.

"It's just starting to sink in."

"Is Anders happy? Oh, I bet he will be a wonderful father." She exclaimed, a little too shrill. Fenris clenched his fists at the mention of Anders being the father. I could tell he wanted to say something but was holding back, in respect to me. I decided that he had been hurt enough in this process and was getting the short end of the stick in the situation itself, so I would let him have this one.

"Actually, I think there's something you guys need to know. But this needs to stay between us for now." Fenris looked up at me, confusion in his eyes. I nodded towards him in approval.

"Are you sure about this, Hawke?" he asked.

"Sure about what?" Aveline questioned me.

"Oh, spit it out already! I'm tired of having to keep this a secret." Isabela complained.

Looking down at the ground, Fenris spoke in a quiet voice. "It may be mine."

Everyone fell silent. They exchanged glances between myself and Fenris, who couldn't look up. He almost looked ashamed, and I felt badly for putting him in this awkward position. I should have confronted him first about telling the group, but they would find out sooner or later. I preferred it to be sooner.

"Hawke, maybe you should visit the Chantry. I could give you confession there."

"Oh, for pity's sake, Sebastian! She's not going to burn in the Void because she had sex with two different men. Give it a rest, will you?" Isabela jumped to my defense.

"I'm confused. Hawke's baby has two fathers?" Merrill's face was twisted with confusion.

"Oh boy, do you want me to cover this one, Hawke?" I wasn't sure if Varric was teasing or not.

"We won't know who the father is until the baby is born." I placed my hand on her shoulder. She nodded at me, taking in the information I divulged.

"And how are you taking this?" Varric directed at Fenris.

"I am fine."

"Broody, you continue to live up to your name." At that moment, Anders came into the room panting. I turned and he was sweating.

"Oh, thank goodness you're here. I went home and your mother had no idea where you went off to. It's late. I was worried about you."

"I'm fine, Anders. Me being pregnant does not affect my ability to take care of myself."

"Hawke, you have a child growing inside of you. It's not safe for either of you to be roaming these streets at night alone." He came up behind me, and placed his hand across my belly. My heart fluttered as he did this. He had not touched me in days, and I missed him.

"It does not bother you that the child growing within her stomach may be another man's?" Sebastian directed at Anders, and he quickly removed his hand.

"You...you told them?" I faced him, and a look of hurt swept over his face.

"They would find out eventually."

"I see." He cast his glance away from me, and I regretted my actions. I felt so happy to have him come to my side, to finally have him touch me again. The fact that he ran all over town looking for me in a panic spoke to me, and I knew that despite his distance the past few days, he loved me.

"I think we'd better get going. See you guys later." I turned and walked away, Anders following me. He didn't speak a word to me until we were back in Hightown.

"I'm sorry." Looking up at him, seeing his face, I could tell he had something bothering him.

"What for?" I asked. He took my hand in his as we continued to walk back home.

"For not being with you these past few days. Marian, I'm still afraid that you'll leave me."

"Anders, you can't think like that."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I just fear that if this baby...if it's not mine...you'll want to be with that elf, out of convenience for you and the child."

"Will you listen to yourself?" I pulled my hand away from him so he would look at me.

"The convenient thing to do would to not have this baby at all. But I am, and I chose to be with you. Nothing is going to stop me from loving you. So please, for the sake of my sanity, trust me."

He looked down at me, and tenderness shone from his eyes.

"I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I just love you so much and this baby...I already love it too. I'm terrified of losing you both." He leaned down, and in the middle of Hightown, he kissed me softly.

* * *

Anders had a bit more work to do, so I left him privacy in our room. I sat downstairs, drinking a cup of tea infused with the herbs Fenris had given to me. It tasted bitter, so I tried to down it as quick as I could. My mother entered the kitchen in her night robe and sat down beside me.

"Trouble sleeping?" I asked her.

"It's just one of those nights." She smiled at me, and swept a loose hair off of my face.

"Marian, I know times are troubling right now. But this baby," she paused, and put a hand to my stomach. "This baby is a blessing in disguise. You may not see that now, but you eventually will." I smiled back at my mother. She had such a prideful look in her eyes, which took me a bit by surprise. I shamed her name, but not for a second did she seem to judge me.

"I know. I just hope I'll be a good influence."

"Dear, you take care of everyone around you. You are going to be a wonderful mother." The hormones took control of my body once more and I began to weep. Her words affected me deeply, and in that moment I was incredibly grateful I had my mother with me. She put her arms around me and held me for the first time since I was a child. I felt comforted and secure.

After my mother went back to bed, I returned to my room to find Anders sitting on the edge of our bed waiting for me. He patted the empty spot beside him and I sat down.

"We haven't had the chance to talk about how you feel in all this." He rubbed my back and I nuzzled into him.

"None of this is easy. Everyone is talking. I am going to be a mother out of wedlock. I feel like I am shaming you and my family both."

"Is that what's upsetting you? Marian, I am a part of your family now. We will be raising this child together, no matter what comes. Did you..." He stopped, and then cupped my face with his hands, staring at me intently. "Did you want to get married?"

"Maker, I hope that's not the beginning of a proposal."

"If you are so concerned about your reputation, we could get married. We'll go down to the Chantry tomorrow, and it will be over with."

"Anders, I love you, but I want to get married when the timing is right. Not because I ended up pregnant unexpectedly."

"But..." I placed a finger to his lips.

"I promise you, when the timing is right, and you have a real proposal waiting for me, my answer will be yes."

"Oh, Hawke." His lips were upon mine once more and I relished the feeling. I just realized how greatly I missed his touch over the past few days, and I did not want our kiss to end. I climbed on top of him to deepen our kiss. His hands caressed my whole body. That night we made love for hours, and I fell asleep in his arms. He was mine and I never wanted to let go.

* * *

**Authors notes: This chapter was such a pain to write. I had a bad case of writers block, ended up posting a one shot fic about Fenris to get the creative juiced flowing again ;-) I hope you guys stay tuned, in a few chapters from now a serious plot point is coming up!**


	15. Hormones and heated dreams

I knew I was dreaming, but it felt so real. The way Anders had me pinned under him, the way his breath felt against my neck, the way he plunged in and out of me, it felt way too good to be a dream. Every thrust, every moan, every kiss. My legs were up on his shoulders as he held me down and plummeted into me. His speed picked up as he bucked into me like a wild animal and I felt myself come undone. His body weight kept me in place as he spilled inside me, moaning my name into my ear. His lips were against mine in a heated kiss. He pulled away, and it was not Anders' eyes who smiled back at me. I gazed up at Fenris, realizing this was who had caused me pleasure. His markings aglow, he started moving inside of me again, and I was in heaven.

"Marian? Marian?" I heard Anders voice gently call out to me as I awoke from my sex dream. I turned over and he had a giant smile on his face.

"You were moaning in your sleep again." I felt my face burn red. Ever since I entered my second trimester my dreams were filled with lust, and they all felt so real. Lately my subconscious targeted Fenris as the object of desire. I was terrified that I would slip up and call out his name in my sleep. Anders kissed my neck and rubbed my now swollen belly. I was four months pregnant, and starting to show. I had yet to feel Little Hawke move. That's what I called the baby.

"These dreams won't let up." I sighed.

"Is that so bad, love? You sounded like you were rather enjoying yourself." I smiled at Anders, but inside I felt guilty. I knew that it was silly to feel badly about a dream I had no control over, but they were becoming so vivid. It felt as if I actually had been cheating.

He nuzzled up behind me and planted kisses behind my ear and I instantly became aroused again. He had grown so familiar with my body that he knew just what made me tick. I felt his arousal press up behind me.

"Would you like me to help you out?" he asked. I turned over and sat up. I had a sudden urge to please him, and from the look in his eyes, he knew what was on my mind.

"Let me take care of you first." I purred into his ear. He quickly removed his smalls, which was all he wore to bed, already fully aroused. I undid my robe and let it slide off my shoulders before falling to the bed.

"I will have to wake you up from these dreams more often," he teased. I grabbed onto his length and began stroking him up and down. A sigh escaped from his lips as he closed his eyes. I climbed in between his legs and lowered my head to him. I planted small, slow kisses along his shaft. I worked my way up to his swollen tip and licked the underside of him, flicking my tongue in quick motions. He anxiously thrust forward and I smiled. His eyes were filled with lust when I looked up at him. I took his tip inside of my mouth and wrapped my lips around him. I plunged forward, taking as much of him as I could inside me and a guttural moan escaped him. My head began to move back and forth and his hips joined me. One of my hands reached around his length, stroking him as I pleased him with my mouth. The other hand massaged his testicles.

He was so completely soaked with my saliva that my strokes came with great ease. I picked up the pace, bobbing my head up and down quickly. My hand matched the exact rhythm of my mouth; they were working together as one. He reached down and pulled my hands away, holding them down. He began to thrust into my mouth, taking control. I moaned into him, loving how he was making me submit to him. He had become awfully cautious during sex since I became with child, so he would become extra aggressive when I pleased him orally. Anders grabbed his member with a strong hand and pulled it out of my mouth. He rubbed the head against my lips and I stuck my tongue out to lick him.

He grabbed onto me and pulled me up, ever so gently. He was moving me to my side and I knew what coming next. As my pregnancy advanced he became so afraid of hurting the baby that he often would take me on my side, as not to crush me. I felt his tip at my entrance. He slowly eased it in and I moaned once he was fully sheathed inside me.

He placed his hands on my hips and began to buck into me. I reached down and rubbed my swollen nub, needing to find my release. I cast a small amount of electric waves through my fingertips, a skill I had quickly mastered. I moaned softly in reaction to the feeling of being taken while vibrations pulsated throughout my clitoris. Anders leaned into me and began to suck on my earlobe as he moved in and out. The sensations became too much for my body to handle. An orgasm ripped through my body and I gasped with pleasure. My walls gripped around Anders and he cried out, letting his own climax take him with me.

As he slipped out of me, I rolled onto my back, still panting. Anders placed his hands on my abdomen, and began to rub my belly. This was something he began to do nightly a few weeks prior.

"I can't wait to feel the baby move inside of you, love." I grinned, and leaned over to give him a kiss. He often said this, and we both knew that it would happen soon. I was sixteen weeks along now, almost halfway done my pregnancy, which meant I could expect to feel little kicks inside of me any time.

"I'm exhausted." I said, as a yawn escaped my lips. He chuckled, and rubbed my belly some more.

"Is it alright if I keep my hands on you like this? I wouldn't want to miss a kick if it happens while you're sleeping."

"Of course you can." I closed my eyes and Anders continued to caress my midsection. His hands soothed me and I drifted back to sleep.

* * *

The next morning I was walking through the market with Fenris. I wanted to grab a few things to prepare for the baby, and Fenris often complained that he felt left out, so I brought him with me. He grumbled on the way there, protesting that shopping was not what he meant. I had to laugh, men would do anything to get out of a shopping trip that was not meant for them. We came across a stall with different blankets and clothing made just for infants. I stroked my hand against a blue blanket. It was made of fine silks and was soft to the touch.

"A bit lavish for a child, is it not?" Fenris seemed put off when he saw the prices.

"Oh, but feel it!" I teased him and rubbed the fabric against his face. He smiled back at me as I placed the blanket back down.

"You are going to spoil this child rotten, aren't you?"

"You have no idea." I giggled. As the laughter escaped my lips, I felt butterflies in my stomach. That's what it felt like anyways. The feeling continued, and I placed my hand down on my abdomen, feeling the little movements against my hand.

"What is it?" Fenris asked, concern filled his voice.

"The baby...I can feel it."

"Is this the first time?"

"Yes! Oh here, Fenris. Feel it."

"No, that's alright." He began, but I grabbed his hand anyway. I placed his hand under my shawl, and he tensed up a little. I pressed him into me, and his touch was familiar and warm as I held my hand over his. Memories of my dream from the previous night entered my mind, as I felt his skin come into contact with mine. I quickly put them away, concentrating on the present moment.

"Just wait." I said, and his eyes stared into mine. And there it was, little fluttering movements within me began to take hold of my belly again. A smile grew on Fenris' face.

"Do you feel it?" I asked.

"I do." I could not stop giggling now. My glee caught on to Fenris, he was grinning ear to ear. We stood there for a good five minutes, my hand over his, enjoying the feeling of Little Hawke moving around inside of me. It wasn't until the baby ceased its movements that he pulled his hand away from me. He cleared his throat and his eyes refused to meet my gaze.

"Ah...well...perhaps I should get going." He stuttered, turning away from me.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, I just have some things I need to get done. Aveline said she requires my assistance. New evidence on that serial killer has surfaced."

"You mean 'the Kirkwall Killer'?" He nodded at me. Over the past few years, there had been an increase in murders on women. A lot of them had been tied to one case. This particular murderer would send his victims white lilies before killing them. I shuddered at the thought.

"Alright then. Let me know what you find out, please." Fenris nodded and walked off towards the barracks to meet with Aveline. I felt a pang of sadness. I had really missed going out on missions since finding out of my pregnancy. I was beginning to feel restless, especially since I had a renewed energy after my first trimester ended. My mother had offered to watch the baby after it was born so I could get back to work. I felt so relieved when she offered. I could never sit back and stay at home, I longed to dive back into the action. I ran my hand over the blankets again, and decided on the blue one that I was holding previously. I handed over my coin and walked home.

* * *

Anders arrived after dark. The way he entered our room I could tell he had a long day. He flopped onto the bed with a sigh.

"Bad day?"

"Not a bad one. Just busy."

"Well, I had a rather eventful morning." I said, with a smile.

"Oh?" He turned over to his side and took my hand in his.

"The baby kicked."

"What? It did?!" He exclaimed, lifting up my nightgown and placing his hand on my stomach. I laughed, his excitement reminded me of a child on their birthday.

"Not now. Earlier today."

"What were you doing when it kicked?"

"I was in the market buying things for the nursery with Fenris." The smile faded.

"The elf was there with you?"

"Well, yes, he was."

"Did you let him...I mean...did he touch you, like I am now?" I wasn't sure if I should tell him the truth or not. My friends were always rubbing my belly now that I was visibly pregnant - especially Merrill - but with Fenris, it had been so intimate. And after my dream the previous night, it felt almost romantic. I didn't want to lie to Anders though, that would hurt him more than anything.

"Yes, he felt the baby kick." As soon as I said the words, he pulled his hand away from me.

"I see."

"Please don't be angry, Anders."

"I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with him. He has no right to be placing his hands on you."

"He was touching the baby. This was different."

"Was it really? How different was it when I caught him in here, pressed up against you?"

"Don't be ridiculous. It was nothing like that."

Anders turned away from me, clearly hurt. I rolled over so that I was lying directly behind him and I put my arm around him as I kissed the back of his neck.

"I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but you knew it was going to be like this. "

"It doesn't mean I enjoy your old lover touching you."

"I know, but you're the one here with me now."

He rolled back over and a smile replaced his frown. He rubbed his nose against mine and softly grazed my lips with his.

"I know, love. I'm just disappointed he was the one who felt it first." Anders got undressed and rubbed my back to help me fall asleep. I was getting sore from the baby frequently at night, and his touch helped ease my pain.

* * *

It wasn't long before I was dreaming again. I instantly knew it was a dream. The only difference from the other dreams was that I was clearly aware from the start that it was Fenris who was causing me pleasure. His hazel eyes penetrated mine intensely, as he sunk fingers inside of my warmth. I squirmed beneath him and he used his other arm to pin me down.

"So eager, Hawke." his words rung in my ears, as I remembered them from our night together. He climbed above me and his hardness was at my entrance. "Tell me you're mine." He demanded. I felt myself respond "I am yours." He thrust into me and began to move. The feeling was exquisite and I moaned. "Fenris, oh Fenris, yes!" Only now, I wasn't just moaning in my dream.

I felt Anders shaking me and I slowly opened my eyes to see him scowling down at me.

"So that's what has you so worked up at night." he said, his eyes glaring down at me. I had never seen him so angry before, at least not at me.

"Wha..what's going on?" I asked, groggily. I hadn't realised what happened yet.

" 'I am yours. Fenris, oh Fenris, yes.' " He repeated to me, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. He knew about my dreams, and I felt mortified. He turned away from me and began to put his clothes on.

"Where are you going?"

"To the clinic. I can't sleep here tonight."

"Anders, please don't go. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen. It was just a silly dream."

"Hawke, you know how I feel about him. And now he's showing up in our bedroom, once again."

"Please come back to bed. I don't want to be worrying about you tonight."

"Tell me, then," he turned back around, facing me now. "Have you ever fantasized about him while we were making love?"

"Anders, of course not!"

"How can I be sure of that? Why are you having these dreams about him?"

"Because I'm hormonal! Maker, last week I had a sex dream about Isabela!" I yelled at him, not lying either. The dream had me completely baffled and I quickly put it to the back of my mind, until now.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"I hope so. You know I'm not into women that way." He sighed and turned to walk away.

"I need some air. This whole thing is infuriating." At that moment, I thought I felt my nerves getting worked up, but then I felt that familiar movement fluttering around inside me. Little Hawke was active again.

"Anders, wait! The baby..."

He turned around, eyes wide.

"Is it...?"

"Yes, it's moving. Quick, come here!" Anders ran over to me and jumped onto the bed. He lifted my gown up and held both hands to me. I will never forget the look of amazement that came across his face. Any anger he felt a moment before was washed away and only joy was there with us in the room. His eyes softened and he flashed a smile at me.

"Our baby, I can feel it." He said, and he placed his face to my stomach. He began to place kisses all over my bump and I giggled.

"Hello there, nice to meet you." He said into my flesh. He stared up at me and smiled.

"That's our baby." Anders beamed. I leaned down and kissed his forehead.

"That's our baby." I repeated back to him.

* * *

**Authors notes: I quite enjoyed writing this. I took inspiration from my own pregnancy...the sex dreams NEVER stopped lol! I needed to put something light and fluffy here, the next few chapters are going to be rather opposite. I again have to thank everyone that has been reviewing and sending messages my way. You have no idea how much it brightens my day :-)**


	16. Premonition

An uncomfortable "family meeting" between Anders, Fenris, and I made my head spin. We were discussing arrangements for after the baby was born, if Fenris proved to be the biological father. Living arrangements and custody disagreements were being thrown back and forth, and I mainly played referee. Anders wanted the child to remain solely in our care, whereas Fenris of course, wanted days alone with the child, as he had every right to.

"You don't even have your own place! You are squatting in a borrowed mansion. Not to mention that you wouldn't even know how to childproof it. There are broken glasses everywhere, and you never take care of it. And what if that Danarius of yours returns looking for you? Do you really see it best to have an infant in your care?"

"This shouldn't even concern you, mage. If Hawke's offspring is mine, then you should have no say in this matter. You will simply be a roommate!"

"How dare you? You can't even begin to imagine how much I already love this child. I ought to-"

"Enough!" I interrupted them. "Anders, I will help Fenris make his mansion a safe place, if it concerns you so much."

"Yes, that will make everything so much better." he said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. It was only a few days after he found out about my dreams of Fenris, and was clearly still very insecure about it. I shot him a pleading look, not wanting to get into it in front of Fenris, and Anders sighed out.

"Fine." he mumbled. Given the circumstances that occurred a few nights prior, I completely understood why he felt so protective over me. I couldn't begin to imagine how hurt I would feel if I heard him moaning another woman's name in his sleep. He had not mentioned it since it happened, but every now and then I would see sadness in his eyes, and realise he was thinking about it again. I felt terrible, but there was little I could do about it. He would just have to trust me.

Later that evening I went to Fenris' mansion to help with said task. Anders mentioned that he would be at his clinic late that night so I took this opportunity to help Fenris out. I told Bodahn where I would be, should Anders get home and worry before we were done.

Fenris and I scoped his whole place out, and I remembered just why Anders had shown concern. Empty bottles of wine lay shattered across most floors, cobwebs everywhere, and his place was completely disheveled from top to bottom. Oh what fun this will be, I thought to myself.

We spend a good few hours picking up and sweeping shards of glass off the floor and cleaning the bottom level. By the time we reached upstairs, I was exhausted. We went to one of his sitting rooms to work there, and I sprawled out across the couch.

"This baby will be the death of me." I said as I plopped myself down. "You'd better keep this place clean after all the hard work I just put into it!"

"It seems you are lacking the stamina you once had." he gently teased. Oh I have plenty stamina elsewhere, I felt like joking, but it was too inappropriate, I concluded. Fenris sat on a chair across from me, intently looking at my belly.

"Hawke, I want you to know, that I do not approve of this...arrangement."

"You mean of Anders?" He sighed out, brushing a hand through his white hair.

"The thought of him being the one taking care of my child is most unsettling. I do not think you realize how upsetting this is for me." I sat up, making eye contact with him.

"I know, but what would you have me do Fenris? Anders is living with me now."

"I know this, and although it displeases me, I have accepted it. But this child, if it belongs to me, I'm not sure I can trust him as you do." His hands were growing restless and he was fidgeting in his seat. I could tell this was a very uncomfortable topic for him.

"Do you trust me?"

"What?"

"Do you trust me?"

"I...yes, of course I do, Hawke."

"Then please, trust this decision I've made. This child is mine. I would not let any harm come to it, you should know that. I am its mother, and if I am able to trust Anders, you needn't worry about its safety. Plus, you know how busy Anders is. He won't be around mostly until night time." I thought hard about what I just said for a moment. "If you would like, you could have the daytime with the baby - when you aren't busy, that is - and at night, I will be there when Anders comes home. There will be no reason for you to worry." I said, and reached out and gently touched his arm. His eyes moved to my fingers, and his expression softened.

"If that is what you wish, then I will abide by your demands."

"It's not a demand Fenris, I'm just trying to make everyone happy. You have no idea how exhausting this all is. No matter what I do, no matter what I suggest, someone is left grumbling."

"I did not mean to cause you stress."

"I know. And I am doing my very best to make sure things are fair to you. When I found out about this baby, I was terrified that you would flee."

"What makes you think I would abandon my own?"

"Well, you abandoned me." I said, staring at my belly while I rubbed it. Little Hawke was moving around like crazy as we spoke. Fenris knelt down in front of me, and placed his hand under my chin, forcing me to look up at him.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I never meant to hurt you, and I would never leave my own blood."

"And if it's not yours, what then?" His eyes closed. He thought for a moment, before looking at me again.

"Then things will return to the way they were before. I will not leave your side. I owe you for helping me with Hadriana. Wherever you go, Hawke, I will follow." He trailed his hand from my face and gently rubbed my stomach, feeling Little Hawke moving about. A smile crept across his face as he moved his skin across mine. He pulled away and stood.

"I should get back to preparing this room. You look spent. Rest awhile." He moved away from me and started placing objects back in their respective place. I lay back down, watching him from across the room. I had no energy left in me to walk home, so I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

* * *

Images of Fenris scattered into my mind as I slept. I recalled the first time I met him, seeing him stand on those steps in the alienage. I heard him curse all mages and their kind, after watching his fist plummet into Hadriana. Then, we were making love again. It all played throughout my mind, every kiss and moan of ecstasy replayed. His skin against mine, his lips caressing me, him and I joining as one. It felt surreal. "Fenris, I need you." I whispered into his ear.

Then, there I stood before him, pregnant and naked. His eyes intently on mine, he came forward and pulled me into his arms. "Hawke, the baby..."

"What about the baby?" I asked him.

"Danger." he whispered. He started to disappear before me, and I tried to run after him. "Fenris?" I called out, but then I felt myself falling.

And fall I did, right off of his couch and onto his floor. Fenris rushed over to my side as I slowly opened my eyes and he helped me up.

"Easy now." he said as he pulled me back onto the couch. "Did you injure yourself?" I rubbed my back which was now a little sore.

"I'm alright."

"And the baby"

"Still moving around." Fenris sighed with relief, and then moved back over to the shelf he was working on. I watched him organize the area, and every now and then, he would turn over his shoulder and smile smugly in my direction. The third time I caught him doing it, my curiosity got the best of me.

"Whatever are you grinning about?"

"I do not recall you talking in your sleep that night I spent at your mansion."

"It's a new quirk I've attained from this pregnancy." I nervously joked. "What did I say?" I thought back to my dream. Fenris had a devilish smile plastered on his face.

"That you need me." He said in a low voice, and I felt my face turn red. "You also sounded the way you did that night we were together." I couldn't look at him. This was the last time I would allow myself to fall asleep in front of him while I was pregnant, I scolded myself. I buried my head in my hands and he laughed.

"I'm sorry." I sheepishly said.

"I'm not. I quite enjoyed watching you squirm on my couch. That is, until you fell off of it." He laughed. His laughter was cut off by the sound of his front door slamming shut.

"Hawke?" I heard Anders call out. His footsteps neared as I heard him running up the stairs.

"I'm in here, Anders." I called out to him. He came into the room, worry plastered all over his face. I was still lying on the couch when he entered. He glared over to Fenris whose attention was once again on the shelf he was organizing.

"Do you have any idea how late it is?"

"I'm sorry. I was tired."

"And you didn't think to walk her home?" he questioned Fenris.

"I was busy, and she was already falling asleep." he said coldly, still focusing on his task. Anders shook his head and leaned over. He scooped me up into his arms and began to carry me down the stairs. I looked towards Fenris but he did not look my way. I noticed his hands were clenched and his eyes cast down.

Once we left the mansion, Anders, still carrying me, whispered into my ear "I do wish you would not sleep over there. I know how you get in your sleep, and it should be me you wake up to that will satisfy your urges." These words toyed with my loins as I instantly began to ache for him.

I leaned my head towards his ear and quietly said "Well then, I will have to make it up to you." Anders steps quickened as he tried to hurry home. I burst out laughing, and began to whisper seductive suggestions into his ear and sucked on his earlobe. Once we were home he could not get me undressed fast enough. And this time, he was not so scared that he would hurt me. He pulled me into his lap and laid back as I mounted him. As I began to sway my hips into him I leaned down and whispered "I love you."

* * *

Another vivid dream swept over me as I slept. Again I was naked, standing before Fenris, who was also without clothes. His hands glided over my shoulders and down my arms as I felt another set of arms wrap around my waist. I turned my head over my shoulder and there was Anders who claimed my lips in a kiss. He too was naked and his hands began to roam my body. He kissed my shoulders and Fenris sucked on my lips. Suddenly, they both pulled away and stood in front of me, their eyes full of fear.

"Trouble." Fenris said.

"You must run." Anders spoke.

"Why? What's going on?" The both of them placed their hands on my pregnant belly, and began to fade from my sight.

"Where are you going?" I called out after them. Before me, they slowly turned towards each other and their bodies morphed together as one. I could not distinguish any features. Whatever stood in front of me was dark, a shadow with a hood pulled over its face. A dark hand reached out and glowed the way Fenris' did right before he killed an enemy. "No!" I screamed as this figure reached down and impaled its hand through my stomach, into Little Hawke. I looked down, and I was bleeding everywhere. I fell to my knees and began to cry. The dark figure stood over me and chanted "Gone."

I woke up panting and drenched in sweat. I looked down and felt my stomach. Little Hawke was fine. Anders turned over to me, waking up from my movement.

"Love?" he asked,

"I'm...I'm alright. I just had a nightmare." He turned over and wrapped his arms around me.

"Sweetheart, your pulse is racing. Lay back, it's alright." I lay back down and shut my eyes again. That was the second dream that night where it felt like I was being warned of something. It was just a dream, I kept telling myself, but it felt so real. I leaned into Anders and he stroked my hair. Being near him relaxed me, and slowly, I was able to fall back asleep.

I awoke in the morning with Anders. We got ready together and headed down the stairs. He was heading to the clinic and I was going to visit with Isabela. I passed Sandal and Bodahn on the way out.

"Good morning Master Anders and Mistress Hawke. You just missed your Mother. She left not twenty minutes ago."

"That's alright Bodahn, Anders and I were just leaving. I will see her when I return."

"Very well." he said.

If only we weren't in such a rush to get out the door, maybe we would have noticed the white lilies sitting on the table.


	17. White Lilies

The sun was beaming down on us as we left the mansion. People were all about, getting their coin purses ready as they headed to the Merchant's Guild. Anders linked his hand in mine and pulled me close to him as we walked together. I looked up at him and he was smiling down at me.

"What are you so happy about?"

"I've been thinking. Shouldn't we start to discuss names?"

"For the baby?" Anders nodded. I had tried to come up with names a few times, but never found any I really cared for. Anders seemed much more prepared for this baby than I. "Did you have any thoughts on this?" I asked.

"I have a few ideas, yes." he beamed. His whole face lit up and I could sense that this was something he had thought of for some time.

"Well, let's hear what you have in mind."

"Before I was sent to the Circle when I was twelve, I had an aunt who I was close to. She helped me keep my magic concealed, and while my parents feared it, she never did."

"What was her name?"

"Amira. Six months after I was sent to the Circle, I received word that she suffered an illness and passed away. I often think of her." he said, as he cast his glance downwards, a hurt look swept over his face.

"Amira is a lovely name, Anders. In fact, I quite like it." His eyes met mine and he smiled once more.

"You do?"

"I do."

"I am glad. Actually, I think you will really like the name I thought of for a boy."

"And what would that be?"

"Malcolm."

"Malcolm, as in my father?"

"Mhmm."

"You have to be the sweetest man alive." I said as I pulled his face towards me and kissed him. He pulled me into a warm embrace, and there we stood in the middle of the street, holding onto one another. I lay my head into his chest, and could feel his heart beating against me. He placed a hand over my stomach, and the baby started to squirm at his touch. We both started to laugh, enjoying feeling my little one react to his touch.

Once we reached the Hanged Man, Anders went on his way to the clinic. Isabela was inside waiting for me. We decided to take a walk around town, as I didn't really care for the atmosphere of the tavern while pregnant. With my heightened sense of smell, the scent of the ale and urine everywhere made me queasy.

We stopped by the alienage to grab Merrill. She was thrilled to join us. She had been hiding away in her home more often than usual. She was obsessed with fixing her Eluvian, a mirror that possesses magic powers. Despite our pleas with her to discontinue using it, she was not able to focus on much else. Isabela thought it would be a good idea to get her out of the house, and she gladly came along.

Isabela kept going on about a hat shop she discovered that she was thrilled with. We checked out the merchant's wares, but nothing seemed to appeal to my tastes. Merrill on the other hand, picked out three different hats. She and Isabela tried on every hat at least twice. I was never one to fuss over shopping, but I had fun watching them regardless. Isabela would place each hat on, doing her best impression of a Hightown noble. Merrill was all giggles and joined in. It was such a good feeling to be out with the girls. I had thought of bringing Aveline along, but quickly dismissed it. She and Isabela would be at each other's throats, and I was sure she would be busy. She was the Guard Captain now and was always up to her neck in work.

At the end of the day, I met Anders back at his clinic. He was in a seemingly good mood as he had less patients than usual, which meant he was able to work on his manifesto. When we walked in the door to our home, I immediately sensed something was wrong. Gamlen was in a panic, trying to gain information from Sandal about my mother, with little luck.

"What's wrong, Uncle?" I asked him as both Anders and I approached.

"There you are! Where's your mother? Is she feeling alright?"

"I'm sure she's alright. Why are you so upset?"

"Your mother didn't show up for our weekly visit. Is she ill? She is here, isn't she?"

"No, Gamlen. We haven't seen her all day," Bohdan interjected. "Perhaps she is with her suitor."

"Suitor? Leandra never mentioned a suitor." Uncle Gamlen seemed flustered. Mother never mentioned her involvement with another man to me either. Something seemed off about this claim.

"Well, those lilies arrived for her this morning," Bohdan pointed across the room to the table, and sure enough, there in a vase were a bunch of white lilies. As I took the sight in, my heart plunged into my stomach. No...it couldn't be.

"White lilies? I know something about that," I gasped.

"Love, are you saying what I think?" Anders looked at me, a panic swept across his face.

"Don't just leave me waiting, what is it?"

"There's a killer in Kirkwall who send his victims white lilies before he takes them. He's murdered several women already." Gamlen's expression turned from concern to terror as he took in what I told him.

"No, you're wrong. Leandra is fine."

"I'll inform Aveline. She'll get the city guard to keep an eye out." I knew it was her night off, and she would more than likely be with Donnic at the Hanged Man with Varric. Gamlen, Anders, and I rushed to Lowtown. I ran inside the pub while Anders went with my uncle to ask around if anyone had seen her. I spotted Varric, Aveline, Donnic, and Fenris at a table. I had maintained my composure around my uncle as to not worry him, but now I was getting frantic.

"I need your help, Aveline!" I yelled out as I approached.

"Hawke, what is it?" she asked. My friends turned their attention towards me, concern on each of their faces.

"It's my mother. She received white lilies this morning, and she hasn't been home since. I'm worried that...that..." I could not finish my sentence, but they all understood the dire situation. She bolted up from her seat immediately.

"Donnic and I will let the guard know straight away."

"I'll come with you Hawke. We'll find her." said Varric.

"As will I." Fenris too arose from his chair. Aveline and Donnic took off the inform the guard, while Varric and Fenris followed me. I spotted Anders and Gamlen speaking to a boy, no older than thirteen. Anders turned when he saw us approach and sneered at Fenris, but quickly dropped his attitude when he saw the look of fear on my face. The boy went on to tell us that he had seen mother earlier. A man had stumbled in front of her, bleeding. My mother offered to help him, and they took off down the steps into the lower part of Lowtown. Gamlen went back to my home to see if my mother returned.

We looked around, and spotted blood on the ground; the same man's, no doubt. As we followed the trail of blood, I became more and more frantic. What if he hurt my mother? What if she was already dead? I started to run when Anders grabbed onto my arm to pull me back.

"Hawke, I think you should go back with your uncle."

"Like hell I will! This is my mother, Anders!"

"And this could be the Kirkwall Killer! You are pregnant, think of the baby. You are in no condition to fight. We will handle it." I whipped my arm away from him, feeling my blood boil.

"No! She needs me. I have to help her."

"Hawke," Fenris spoke in a calm voice. "He is right. It is in your best interest for you to remain behind."

"I'll decide what's best for me. I'm so damn tired of everybody trying to tell me what's right for me. What's right for me at the moment is finding my mother, and I will not waste precious time arguing with you two!" I yelled at them both and ran off in the direction the blood was in. I was in such a panic, I could not consider what they were telling me. If my mother was in danger, I needed to save her, and no force in the world would have been able to hold me back.

The trail of blood directed us to a dark foundry. We entered the foundry and were lead into a cellar. Right away trouble was amidst us. Dark magic was at play, demons and skeletons were everywhere. Anders leapt out in front of me to protect me from their blows. Fenris directly attacked from the front, while Varric stayed at the back, using Bianca to shoot several arrows at once. I sent a paralysis spell flying from my staff to freeze our enemies in place. Once they were wiped out, I let out a deep sigh of relief. Little Hawke - or should I say Amira or Malcolm - was fluttering about like crazy. I rubbed my belly and Fenris turned to me.

"Is..the baby alright?"

"Yes, it just can sense my stress is all."

"We should move on then. The sooner we find your mother, the sooner we can leave this Makerforsaken place." he said.

We came down a set of stairs and before us stood a picture. It had an eerily resemblance to my mother. My heart pounded in my chest.

"What is this?" I gasped.

"A shrine dedicated to a wife? A sister?" Anders pondered.

"I don't like the looks of this. Let's move," Varric turned and we followed his lead. On the ground I found a piece of jewelry, my mother's locket. She was here. I began to run down another set of stairs and Anders yelled after me "Hawke, not so fast!"

In front of me on a bench laid the corpse of a woman we had helped some time ago. She was believed to be a future target of the killer, and here she was, dead.

"No, this can't be." I turned and continued to run further into the foundry. "I need to find her!" Five minutes and several enemies later, we turned a corner, and there stood a sickly looking man. In front of him was a chair facing away from us. A woman sat upright in it, but we could not see her face. I walked closer to this man, clearly a blood mage, and he slowly turned his gaze to me.

"I was wondering when you'd show up. Leandra was so sure you'd come for her."

"Where is she?" I demanded, in a calm yet stern voice. A twisted smile grew upon the mage's face.

"You will never understand my purpose," he said, walking away from the chair and towards us. "Your mother was chosen because she was special, and now she is part of something...greater."

"Spare me the demented rambling, where is she?!"

"She's here, she's waiting for you." His stare turned from me, over to the stiff body sitting in the chair. "I have done the impossible. I have touched the face of the Maker and lived. Do you know what the strongest force in the universe is?" He walked toward the woman and faced her again. "Love. I pieced her together from memory. I _found her eyes, her skin, her delicate fingers... and at last, her face. Oh, this beautiful face._" He leaned forward and stroked her face, with a look of longing in his eyes. With his touch the woman slowly stood up, stumbling as she did so. "I've searched far and wide to find you again beloved, and no force on earth will part us." The woman - straining to walk - finally turned to face me, and every muscle in my body stiffened at what I saw.

There in a wedding gown and veil was my mother, but only a fraction of her. Her head had been severed from her body and sewn onto a new one. Stitches and cuts were all over this body and all colour was drained from her. Her eyes were empty, completely lifeless, as she stumbled towards us. I felt bile rising to my throat, and this man leaned forward and cast a bunch of spells around him, summoning different demons to attack us.

"Leandra!" Anders screamed out.

"You will die for this crime against nature, mage!" Fenris bellowed.

I felt numb, as if I could not move, but I had to. We were under attack. Behind me, more skeletons were coming up from beneath our feet. I turned and cast fire on them while Fenris jumped before me and struck them with his sword. Anders and Varric focused on the demons that were being summoned. Anders shot a mixture of ice and electricity towards them as Varric's arrows sailed right through them. Demon after demon, monster after monster came. One by one they fell as they rose. My companions were attacking one last demon and I saw the man standing there, still smiling, egging me on. I charged at him, with a rage inside of me that I had never felt. How dare he defile my mother's body like this? How dare he lay his hands on her? I ran at him, lifting my staff to strike him with it, when he shot his hand forwards and hit me with one hard blow to the stomach with some kind of force spell. I flew backward and landed on my back hard.

"Marian! You bastard!" screamed Anders, and he ran over to my side. I gazed up to see Fenris strike his sword across the man's neck, decapitating him. I slowly stood up, with the help of Anders, and looked towards where my mother was still staggering.

"Mother!" I yelled as I ran to her, and she collapsed in my arms. I lay on the ground, holding her tightly to me.

"There's nothing I can do. His magic was keeping her alive." I heard Anders say softly, as he approached. Mother looked up into my eyes, and softly smiled.

"I knew you would come."

"Don't move Mother, we'll find a way to..." I couldn't finish. I knew it was hopeless. I had not come soon enough, I had failed her. If I wasn't so caught up in my own affairs I would have seen those damned flowers and I would have been able to save her. It was my fault.

"Shh, don't fret, darling. That man would have kept me trapped in here, but now...I'm free. I get to see Bethany again, and your father. But you'll be here alone."

"I'll be fine Mother," I looked away, trying to hold back tears.

"My little girl has become so strong. I love you. You've always made me so proud." And with that, her eyes slowly closed and I felt her weight become heavy.

"No!" I yelled out, tears rolling down my cheeks. "Please, don't leave me." I sobbed into her. Anders knelt down beside me and took me in his arms. "Shhh love, I'm here."

I began to shake, and felt intense cramping in my abdomen. I keeled over in pain and cried out. "It hurts," I gasped.

"Marian, are you...oh Maker, you're bleeding!" Anders yelled out. I looked down and in between my legs was soaked with blood. The cramping continued and I felt a gush of blood trickle down my thighs. "The baby!" He cried out, and I felt suddenly dizzy. I fell backwards and could no longer see. I felt my consciousness slip away, but was aware to the sounds around me.

"Help her, damn it!" Fenris bellowed from above me. I could feel his arms holding my head as Anders hovered above my abdomen.

"I'm trying!" Anders thundered back.

"Shit, Hawke! Stay with us." Varric pleaded with me. It was too hard, the pain was too great. Everything went black as I fell into a deep coma.

I felt Fenris' breath on my neck as he whispered "Please be okay. I still need you."

* * *

**Authors notes: The summary for this story warns of dark themes, and the next few chapters are going to be why. Please don't hate me!**


	18. The Howling

My body was frozen. It felt as if I had been paralyzed but could feel and hear everything. Fenris' body shook violently as he held me while Anders' hands waved back and forth. I could feel heat radiating from him as he tried to save the baby and I.

"There's so much blood!" his voice was panicked.

"There must be something you can do!" Fenris was pleading with him.

"The only thing I can think of is not pleasant and I...I don't think I can do it."

"You're running out of options, Blondie." Varric said frantically.

"In order for me to try to save the baby, I would need to cut her open but I don't know if it will even work. The baby might already be too far gone. It is too young to tell if it could even live outside her body, healthy or not." His voice was shaking and as I heard the words I wished I could tell him to be brave, that I would be alright. I just wanted my baby to live. "And not only that, but she will be able to feel everything." Fear surged through me, but he needed to do this. I tried so hard to open my eyes, to yell at him to hurry up, but try as I did, nothing worked.

"Hawke would want you to at least try." I heard Fenris answer for me. The room was quiet for a few moments which felt like an eternity, then finally Anders spoke.

"Hold her down. I need her still, and the pain will be great."

I felt Fenris pull me into his arms and hold me tight as Varric held my legs down. I was terrified. My heart felt as if it was going to explode from my chest, it was beating so rapidly. My robes were lifted up and my undergarments pulled down. Modesty did not exist in this moment, as fear consumed every thought in my head. I felt a cold blade graze my pelvis.

"Forgive me, love," Anders whispered, and then came the pain. The blade sliced through my skin in a quick movement. Pain scorched throughout every nerve in my body and I jolted forward, screaming in agony.

"Hold her down!" Anders yelled, and Fenris gripped onto me tightly. He was holding me to his chest, his arms across mine in a tight embrace as Varric straddled my legs with his body. I started wailing as I felt Anders make a second incision into my uterus.

"Oh Maker, it hurts!"

"It's okay, I'm here. It will all be over soon." Fenris whispered into my ear. I screamed at the top of my lungs once more before passing out. I felt nothing after that, and was pulled into a dream.

* * *

The grass was a bright jade and the sun was beaming over head. I was back on my farm in Ferelden, running through a field. I turned a corner to look behind a tree. What was I searching for?

"Come find me, Mommy!" I heard a little voice call to me. I smiled, and understood I was playing a game of hide-n-seek with my child. I turned around, trying to find where Little Hawke went off to. There was a rustling in a bush across from me and I smiled as I slowly approached it. Giggling came from the bush and it shaked with movement. I slowly reached a hand around the branches and as I parted them I yelled "Gotcha!"

Little Hawke was not there, but instead lay a pool of blood and innards. No, this can't be, I thought to myself. I whipped around and the lush green grass started to dissipate and crumble into ashes. The color around me turned into a gloomy grey color. A butterfly on a tree nearby turned into a spider as all the leaves fell off the tree and it crumbled into nothingness.

"Where are you?!" I yelled out, but I received no answer. I fell to my knees and began to weep.

* * *

When I opened my eyes it was dark. I glanced around and realised I was in my room. I tried to sit up, and winced in pain. Anders was sitting in a chair across the room and when he noticed he quickly came to my side.

"Shh, lay still."

"A...Anders?"

"Yes, love. I am here." He took my hand in his and brought it to his lips, kissing every knuckle tenderly.

"How long was I out for?"

"Two nights."

"My...my mother?" He bowed his head.

"So it wasn't a nightmare then."

"No, it wasn't. I am so sorry." he looked up at me and stroked my face slowly. "You were lucky to have her as long as you did. When the pain fades, that's what will matter."

"I didn't try hard enough to save her. If I had paid more attention, I would have seen those flowers. I would have been able to save her in time." Guilt and sorrow consumed me. A tear rolled down my cheek and Anders wiped it away with his thumb.

"She wouldn't want you to blame yourself. I'm here for you, whatever you need." I tried to sit up, and pain shot through me once more. My memories flooded through me in that instant, and I remembered everything. The blood, the excruciating pain, what had happened?

"Anders, the baby?" I asked, panicking.

His eyes glued to the floor, he spoke just above a whisper. "We lost it. I'm so sorry."

"No.." It couldn't be true. I put a hand to my abdomen, and what had once been a hard bump was loose, stretched out skin. Little Hawke was no longer inside of me. I began to shake uncontrollably.

"What happened, Anders? Please, I need to know."

"I had to cut you open to try to save him, but he was already gone." his voice was shaky, as he held back tears that threatened to escape from his eyes.

"Him?"

"Yes, it was a boy."

"Could you tell if...I mean...was he?" Anders knew what I was trying to ask, without me having to elaborate any further.

"No, his facial features weren't distinct enough to tell if he was elven or not. I'm sorry love, we will never know."

"What did you do with...him?" Anders sighed out deeply, and caressed my face.

"Fenris and I...we both thought it best you not see him the way he was. It's been a few days, and he would have started to decompose. So we...I...turned him to ashes. He's over there in that urn." He pointed across to the desk, and sure enough there was an urn sitting there. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Seeing it sitting there made it real. I saw in my mind both Anders and Fenris lifting my deceased child, and somehow coming to this agreement. The vision was haunting, and I couldn't bear to think of it.

"No!" I yelled, and despite my pain I jumped out of bed and knelt down in front of the urn that held my baby, Little Hawke, Little Malcolm. I bowed my head and the tears fell down my face. Anders rushed over to me and took me in his lap. Tears fell from his eyes onto my face, mixing in with my own.

"I'm so so sorry I couldn't save them for you, sweetheart." By "them", he meant my mother as well. Not only did I have to overcome the pain of losing the only parent I had left, I had to deal with losing my unborn child whom I'd grown to love. The way my mother died was so gruesome on its own, I had no idea how I would ever get the picture of her face sewn onto that body out of my mind.

Anders rocked me back and forth, whispering words of love into my ears. We must have sat on that floor for hours, holding each other and crying. Finally he got up, helping me to my feet. I winced in pain.

"You should have a bath, it will help you feel better." I sighed out, remembering when Mother said the exact same thing when I was heartbroken over Fenris. It seemed so menial now, that I would have felt so horribly over a man. This was real pain, real loss. I felt completely broken and didn't know how I would ever feel joy again.

Anders drew me a bath and lead me over to the basin. He helped me disrobe and that's when I saw the deep scars above my pelvic bone. Anders had been able to heal the cuts, but the pain was still there. My stomach was loose and ugly, and I covered it with my hands, ashamed.

"It's okay, love. Your body will return to normal soon enough." He said and lifted me into his arms and placed me into the tub. Anders sat on a stool beside the basin, as he grabbed a cloth and started washing my body. I held my knees to my chest as he poured water over my head and back. I felt completely numb to everything around me. I closed my eyes and envisioned my mother's smile, her laughter. I could still hear her dying words echoing through my mind. She told me she was proud of me. I failed her, and yet she was proud. Anders poured some cleansing lotions into his hands and rubbed them throughout my hair and all over my beaten body, his touch ever so gentle. He once again poured water over me, as if to clean away all the pain that covered my whole body.

"The water's getting cold, love. You should get out now." Was it? I hadn't noticed. I stayed silent, as he grabbed a drying cloth and lifted me into his arms once again. He sat me on my bed as he dried off my body and hair, paying great attention as to not hurt me. When he was done drying me, he grabbed one of my night robes and wrapped it around my body. I sat at the edge of my bed, staring blankly ahead. I felt him sit behind me, and begin to brush my hair gently. He leaned forward and planted small kisses along my jaw as he gently combed the brush throughout my dark strands. When he placed the brush down, his hands found mine as he placed a small vial in my palm.

"It's a sleeping potion. You should take it. It will help you rest." I unscrewed the top and swallowed, wanting to be able to sleep so I could forget the pain, even for just a moment. Anders pulled me into his arms and held me.

"I love you, Marian."

That was the last thing I heard before the potion took effect, and I fell asleep.

I was dreaming, and once again I was on my old farm in Ferelden. White flowers bloomed in the trees and in a distance I saw little Malcolm on a wooden swing, turned from me. He was giggling and singing a silly song. I approached and his swinging stopped. He grew quiet. I placed a hand on his shoulder and he turned around. I was met with mossy green eyes. He smiled and wrapped his arms around my neck. I kissed his pointy ears and whispered "You look just like your father. I love you and will miss you, my boy."

* * *

**Authors notes: Phew, that was SO hard to write. I knew what I wanted to happen in this chapter, but to actually write it was very emotionally draining for me. I based the dream sequence off a music video. If you want to see it, go to YT and type The Howling - Within Temptation. There are 2 versions of this video, so if you are watching some kind of video game video, you are watching the wrong one :P Please let me know how you felt about this chapter :-) It is the one I put the most effort into so far. **


	19. Gloomy Sunday

"Come on, love. It's time to get ready." Anders nudged me. It had been two days since my meltdown, and I still hadn't left my room. My mother's memorial service was on this day, and I had been dreading it. Anders was already fully dressed in fancy black and red attire with some gold trim. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. I walked over to my dresser and stared blankly at the clothes before me. What was I supposed to wear? Everything seemed unfit. I finally decided on a long black flowing skirt with a white silk top that had black sleeves. I never wore it before, but Mother had adored it. In fact, she was the one who bought it for me.

Orana was in the kitchen cooking when I entered the room. She looked up at me with sad eyes. I had not seen her since the incident.

"I'm sorry about your mama. I'm going to miss her." she said meekly.

"I am too."

"I hope you don't mind, Mistress, but I'm going to be making a recipe that she taught me, for your guests." I nodded at her in approval. After the service, it was customary to have the attendees over to "celebrate" the life of the deceased. I did not want people in my home, I just wanted to hide away in my room and be alone. But this was for Mother, who I loved very dearly. I needed to be strong.

Bodahn came to my side. "Mistress, your carriage has arrived. I'm sorry that I cannot attend, but Orana needs my assistance in preparing for your guests this afternoon." I nodded yet again, and Anders took my hand and lead me outside. I climbed into the seat and stared at my feet the entire way there. Anders held my hand. He had no more words left to say to comfort me, he was still grieving over the loss of the baby. He was strong for me the first few days, but now he was wrapped up in his own despair.

The carriage slowly pulled into the Wounded Coast. Aveline and her men had spent a few hours prior clearing the area out of any ruffians that lingered. When the carriage stopped at our designated spot, I climbed out and made my way to the pyre where my mother's remains were. They had been placed over a bundle of wood and remained covered, due to her extreme mutilation. The sight alone brought a lump to my throat, but I swallowed it down. Carver, Gamlen, and Sebastian were already there, waiting for me. Sebastian offered to lead the service, being a brother of the Chantry.

Carver found me and embraced me in a hug. That did me in; tears began to fall down my cheeks. He held me tight as I sobbed into him.

"Oh Carver, I'm going to miss her."

"Me too, sister." He pulled away and stared at me with swollen eyes. He was too proud to cry, but I could tell from his face that he shed a few tears earlier in private.

"I heard about your baby. I...I don't know what to say."

"It's alright. You needn't say anything." He slowly pulled away from me, and nodded.

Gamlen wiped his watering eyes. "I still can't believe she's gone. Poor Leandra. May that bastard who did this rot in the Void."

One by one, guests arrived. Aveline, Donnic, and a few of her guardsmen had the area blocked off. Isabela, Varric, and Merrill all came together. Isabela wasn't scantily clad for once, she wore a rather nice black dress that went just above her knees and covered her cleavage. It might not have meant much to casual lookers, but to me, it proved that she showed a great deal of respect for me. This was Isabela, afterall.

When Fenris arrived, he was dressed in a lavish black overcoat, with a white collared shirt sticking out from underneath.I had never seen him wear anything other than his armor and everyday casual wear. He walked over to our now large group of nobles and family friends, head turned down.

Sebastian started the service, as it seemed all the guests had arrived. Carver, Gamlen, and I stood in front, and I clutched onto my brother.

"From these emerald waters doth life begin anew. Come to me, child, and I shall embrace you. In my arms lies Eternity. Thank you all for coming. It is with great sorrow, we gather here to put Leandra Amell to her final resting place. I did not know Leandra well, but from what I have heard, she was a kind and giving woman. And to have raised these two noble children speaks volumes to the kind of person she was."

Carver tensed beside me as Sebastian spoke of us. I could feel the tears threaten to escape but I willed them away. Gamlen however, turned into a complete wreck. Carver went up to speak. He pulled away from me to face the crowd that were gathered around us. Anders replaced him, putting an arm around me and holding me close.

"My mother was a simple woman. She did not expect much in life. As many of you know, she grew up a noble here in Kirkwall. She chose to run away with my father, who did not have a fortune or riches to offer. She chose love over valuables, and she raised us to follow our hearts and supported us, no matter what decisions we wanted to make in life. That was the kind of person my mother was. So many people live their whole lives trying to attain riches and fancy titles. My mother could have had all that, but instead she chose love, family. And for that, I am forever grateful. I would not be here today if it wasn't for her huge heart." He knelt down and whispered something close to the body and walked back over to us. They were about to start the cast off.

"Wait. I have something I would like to say." I moved forward and pulled out a crumpled up paper from my pouch. The prior night I had been restless. I stayed up all night reading the book of poems Fenris gave to me for my birthday. One stuck out to me, and I put it aside in case I gathered up the courage to speak out. I cleared my throat as I looked out at the faces of everyone who stood around me.

"I didn't prepare a speech about my mother, but I would like to read a poem I found last night." I inhaled deeply, looking down at the paper I held in my hands.

"Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.  
I'm following paths the Maker made for me  
I took his hand, I heard him call  
Then turned, and bid farewell to all  
I could not stay another day  
To laugh, to love, to sing, to play  
Tasks left undone must stay that way  
I found my peace... at close of play  
And if my parting left a void  
Then fill it with remembered joy  
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss  
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.  
Be not burdened... deep with sorrow  
I wish you sunshine of tomorrow  
My life's been full I've savoured much  
Good friends, good times  
A loved one's touch  
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief  
Don't lengthen it now with grief  
Lift up your hearts and share with me,  
The Maker wants me now... He set me free."

I crouched down to where my mother laid, and whispered "Goodbye Mother. I'll miss you. I hope I continue to make you proud." I came back to Anders who leaned over and gently said in my ear "I'm glad you spoke out. She would be happy to see you now."

Carver and a few of his Templar friends began to rub sticks together quickly to set the pyre aflame. This was one of those circumstances where we had to keep our magic at bay and just wait. Finally, the sticks lit up and they lit the pyre. I joined Carver and Gamlen, and we pushed the pyre forward into the sea. As we watched it drift away, I thought of the poem. The words struck deep within me. Not only did they remind me of my mother, but of the baby as well. And Bethany. And my father. I had lost so many close to me over the years, and this was closure for new and old wounds alike. Another tear fell down my face as she slowly drifted away from me, away from Kirkwall.

* * *

The mansion bustled with noise. Orana was serving food to everyone that had shown up. I didn't know half of the people in my own home, and I felt as if my privacy were stripped away from me. Throughout the day, friends came over to offer their condolences to me. Aveline told me stories of her father who had passed on, while Varric and Isabela kept trying to pass glasses of wine into my hand. I refused them. I knew getting intoxicated right now would lead to more tears, and I did not want to be seen crying in front of so many people I did not know.

The noise was getting to my head so I took a seat in the upper level of my library. Anders sat with me, rubbing my back. His hands grazed my back and I just wanted to fall asleep right there.

"Mistress?" I heard Orana call out to me.

"Yes, Orana?" Anders answered.

"Oh, Master Anders. We seem to have run out of wine."

"There's more in the wine cellar." I spoke softly to Anders.

"I will assist her in finding some." He leaned over and planted a chaste kiss on my cheek, before leaving me to my thoughts.

I sat still, twirling a piece of my hair in my fingers. There was this ache in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't let me be, not even for a moment. I touched my stomach, as if to remind myself that I wasn't dreaming. It was empty, no child inside. Just pain and broken dreams soon to be thrown away. I would still have to return all of the baby clothes I had bought. It crushed me to think of it, but having them here would be a constant reminder of what I had lost. Just looking at that urn across from my bed every waking moment was torture. I needed to put it somewhere else, it hurt too much.

I heard quiet footsteps coming up the stairs, interrupting my thoughts. I looked up expecting to see Anders, but Fenris stood before me. I hadn't spoke with since that fateful night, and my heart jumped in panic upon seeing his face.

"Are you alright?" He asked me.

"No, are you?"

"I have been managing." He sat down in the seat across from me, his eyes never leaving my face.

"I'm sorry, Fenris."

"What could you possibly be sorry for?"

"For making you go through this. If I had been more careful, you would have never been brought into this big mess."

"Don't talk like that again, Hawke. I have no regrets, and neither should you. You did everything you could."

"No I didn't. I should have listened to you and Anders when you told me to stay behind. The baby would still be here if it wasn't for me." I choked out, swallowing a lump in my throat.

"And if you had, now you would be blaming yourself for your mother's death. No matter what decision you made, you would be remorseful."

"And how do you feel in all this?" He finally looked away from me, and looked painfully at his hands."

"It feels as if everything I had ever hoped for these past few months has been ripped away from me. I don't even know if he was mine, but...I..." He stopped for a moment, looking as if he were debating on continuing.

"You what?"

"I would lay awake every night pretending that he was. Just wishing for this one thing, that I could truly call my own. Nothing in this world has ever rightfully belonged to me. I was a slave most of my life, and after that, I was on the run. I never stayed anywhere long, until I met you. And even now, nothing really belongs to me. The house I stay in is simply borrowed. I so desperately needed this one thing, this child, to belong to me, to us. I needed it, and now...it's as if I don't even belong here."

"I may not have been a slave, but I understand the emptiness that you feel. Everything feels so wrong. Malcolm...the baby... is just left in a fancy vase in my room. There was no such service for him. I know he wasn't even brought into the world yet, but to me, he was alive, I loved him so much. And now... he's just ashes."

"Why not have a service for him?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Fenris. No one has a funeral for an unborn child."

"I didn't mean one like today. Just something private. For you, me...and...Anders." He said the last part quietly, as if Anders' name was something sacrilegious. It was the very first time I had heard Fenris speak his name at all.

"I think that's a wonderful idea." I turned as Anders was coming up the stairs. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt." Fenris nodded in his direction and Anders crouched down in front of me.

"Fenris is right. Having our own service for Malcolm will help us all accept our loss and deal with the pain head on. Didn't it feel nice to read that poem earlier?"

"It did." And he was right. After I read the words aloud, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was able to vocalise how I felt, even if the words had not been my own.

"When should we do this?"

"How about in a few hours, after the guests leave? No point in delaying it, now that we are all here." Anders suggested.

"We could scatter his ashes in the garden out back. That way he will still be with us." I offered. Anders turned around and faced Fenris who had been quiet.

"I have no objections."

* * *

The guests left just before dusk. My friends offered to stay back and help clean, but I assured them that Orana, Bodahn, and Sandal were being paid for a reason. I really just wanted everyone gone so the three of us could say our goodbyes to Malcolm. Once we were left alone, Anders took the urn from my room and I grabbed and lit a single candle. Fenris was waiting for us in the garden. The sky was a dusky gray and clouds were looming above, threatening to downpour on us. The wind blew throughout my hair and felt cold on my skin. I took a spot beside Fenris, with Anders on the other side of me. We stared at the flowerbed in front of us.

"Is this an adequate spot?" Fenris asked.

"It will do." I spoke quietly. "So, what now?"

"You should say a few words." Anders said.

"I don't know what to say."

"Tell him what you're feeling in your heart."

I breathed out deeply, taking a moment to gather my thoughts. I placed the candle down in front of me, it had blown out from the wind anyways. I took the urn from Anders, and looked down into it.

"Malcolm, it's your mother. You weren't with me for long, but from the moment I found out about you, I knew I loved you. I will never get to see you smile, hear you laugh, kiss away your tears, or hear your little voice. But I.." Rain started to pour on us, and now I let the tears fall freely with it. "I will love you desperately and hopelessly until the day I die. Goodbye my sweet, precious boy." I sobbed as my body trembled. It felt as if my whole world were devoid of colour, which suited the gloomy skies above us, the rain matching my tears. Anders reached over from beside me, and now it was his turn to hold the urn and say his goodbyes.

"Feeling you kick for that first time was the happiest moment of my life. I saw your whole future planned out - your mother and I growing old together with you by our side. I would have taught you about all about giving back to this world, raising you to live up to your namesake. Your grandfather Malcolm Hawke was a wonderful man from what I've been told, but what am I saying? You're with him and your grandmother now. I'm sure you know that. Just know that I will miss feeling your kicks, and I hope you are at peace." Anders bit down on his lip and I could tell he was trying his best not to break down with Fenris standing only a foot or so away. I saw Fenris' arm stretch past me, as Anders handed off the urn to him. He stared at it intently for a moment before speaking.

"I am not good with words or stating how I feel but..." He let out a deep breath. "I would not care if you were born a mage or not. All that would have mattered was that you were mine, and that would have been sufficient enough." He closed his eyes tight, and whispered a few words in Arcanum before passing the urn back to me.

In this private moment, under the now dark sky, it did not matter who the biological father was. Anders and Fenris put aside their hate for each other, and shared this moment with me. We were all connected, all felt the pain, and loss of a child that already was loved deeply. I twisted off the top of the urn and looked at the two men beside me. Anders placed his hands on one side of the urn, then Fenris joined his hands on the other. Together we swept Malcolm's ashes across the flower beds in my garden. The rain came down harder and thunder was booming from above us. I watched his ashes disappear into the dirt and I fell to my knees before him and began to weep. Anders and Fenris knelt down beside me, feeling just as I did. I'm not sure how long we stayed out there. The both of them remained completely quiet, as my sobs and howls were eaten up by the thunder that roared above us. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life.

* * *

**Authors notes: I have do give credit where it is due, the poem in this chapter I found online by an anonymous author, seems it is rather popular at funerals. I just changed "God" to "the Maker". My inspiration for this chapter was a Hungarian suicide song called Gloomy Sunday performed by Sarah McLachlan (there are many versions of the song as it was composed in the 30's, that i just my favorite one). Thank you to my beta and all my readers for their continued support!**


	20. Please don't leave

Anders kicked off his boots as he came into our bedroom. I had gone to bed hours before, and he was just getting home from the clinic. He was drowning himself in work. Only a few days after the funeral he was back at the clinic - for weeks it was rare if I saw him during the day at all. The weight on the bed shifted as he climbed into it. He put an arm around me, and I immediately pushed him away and rolled to the opposite side, facing away from him.

"Please love, I just want to hold you. You haven't let me in so long, and I miss you."

"Not now Anders, I'm tired." He let out an aggravated sigh and flipped over, facing the wall. I lay awake for awhile, listening as his breathing got heavy and he finally started to snore. It wouldn't be long now until his nightmares took full force and I would eventually move to the couch in my library. It had been nine weeks since we lost the baby, and his nightmares were getting increasingly worse. I just let him ride them out on his own, if I tried to wake him in an effort to calm him down, he would only want to hold me afterwards, and I wasn't ready for it. Any time he initiated physical contact with me, my body froze up and I wanted to scream. The thought of being intimate frightened me. After Malcolm passed, he was the only thought that consumed my mind. If I let Anders hold me, he would eventually want to make love, and the image of it made me feel sick to my stomach. Would I ever want to be intimate again? Would I ever want to try for another child? I doubted it. Eventually, Anders would grow tired of my bitterness and he would leave me, I convinced myself. Better to push him away now and save us both from more heartache. I had lost my father, sister, then my mother and child in one night. Maybe I was meant to be alone. I didn't need to drag him down with me any more than I already had. Quietly, I slipped out of my room and headed to the library where I tossed myself onto the sofa and eventually fell asleep.

By the time I made my way to the main quarters in the morning, Anders had already left. Bodahn told me of an urgent letter that arrived earlier. The letter was from the Viscount. I quickly got dressed and headed out the door.

The Viscount informed me of a Qunari delegate that had gone missing. He feared that the Arishok would no doubt blame him for this, so off I was in search of a missing Qunari. After Aveline and I intimidated a few guards at the Hanged Man, we discovered that the Grand Cleric was somehow involved.

When we got to the Chantry to question the Grand Cleric, a woman - Mother Petrice, who we had run into a few years previously when she was a Sister, told us that a Templar of the name Ser Varnell was responsible, and were given a map to his hideout. Aveline, Merrill and I went to fetch Fenris before heading to the location.

I knocked on Fenris' door a few times, and when he didn't answer, I let myself inside. I had barely seen Fenris at all since the funeral. I had just begun leaving my mansion and taking on tasks for the city again two weeks prior. The only time I ran into Fenris was when my instructions from various jobs led me to The Hanged Man, and we had not seen him there on this particular night.

"Fenris? It's me." I called out. He poked his head around the corner and slowly lumbered towards me.

"Hawke, what are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry to bother you, but we have an issue with a missing Qunari. I thought maybe you could assist us."

"Of course," he said as he walked over to a rack and took his sword. His hands fumbled on the handle and it crashed to the floor.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine." he leaned forward and grabbed his weapon and we walked out the door.

On our way to the hideout, I noticed that Fenris was a lot slower than usual. He kept falling behind and had very little to say, not that the last bit was really out of character for him, but there was a voice inside my head that was nagging. Something was not quite right.

"You guys go ahead, we'll catch up."

"Very well." Aveline replied and her and Merrill walked ahead of me. It took Fenris a few moments to catch up, and before he could walk any further I held out my arm in front of him so he could not progress.

"Hold up. What's going on with you?"

"Nothing, I told you earlier, I am fine." he contended with me, and that's when I noticed the distinct smell of wine on his breath.

"Fenris, have you been drinking?"

"What concern of it is yours?"

"It is every concern of mine if I am bringing you into a possible ambush! Are you drunk?" I demanded.

"No. I only had a little. Let me do this, Hawke." He started to walk ahead and I pulled him back once again.

"I swear to the Maker, if you're lying to me..."

"I told you, I am fine. Let's be on our way now." He was adamant, so I decided to let it slide. He seemed coherent other than being a little slower than usual, so I put my concerns to the back of my mind and decided to focus on the task at hand.

We were soon under attack by a group of Qunari haters. The missing Qunari had been slaughtered upon our arrival, and now they were prepared to kill us. Merrill and I stayed back as Aveline and Fenris stayed in front and delivered blows to the fanatics.

One after the other, they charged at us. I turned my attention to Fenris and noticed that he was struggling more so than usual. His blows were delayed, so I cast a protective aura over him to help keep enemies away from him for the time being.

The fanatics were dying down as many of them had fallen. I finished one off when I whipped around and saw that Fenris had stumbled over, the aura no longer in effect. He was breathing heavily and when he tried to stand he faltered and fell. Ser Varnell had a wicked grin as he headed towards Fenris, weapon drawn. Fenris staggered, trying to lift his sword that seemed too heavy for him, when I ran over and pushed him out of the way. Varnell's weapon struck my arm and I screamed out.

"Hawke!" Aveline yelled and soon she was on him. I held onto my open gash, applying pressure to it. I was all out of mana and had no health potions left due to the lengthy battle, so I tore off a section of my robes and wrapped the wound. By the time I bandaged it, Ser Varnell was dead as were the rest of his followers.

Aveline, enraged, stomped over to Fenris who was just getting up. She grabbed him by the collar and slammed him into a wall.

"What in the Void is the matter with you?! You could have gotten Hawke killed!"

"I...what?"

"You're a drunk, Fenris, and I will not tolerate this any longer. How many times in the past month has either Donnic or I been called upon to escort you home from that dive you are so fond of? How many times have you been too inebriated to even get yourself home? Enough is enough!" She screamed at him, her face red with a fury I had never seen in her before. She let go of her grip on him and he slumped over. I slowly approached them, unable to process what I just heard.

"Fenris, is this true?" I asked him and he did not answer me.

"Hawke, your arm is bleeding. We should get you fixed up." Merrill softly said, coming to my side.

"I have it under control. Anders can fix it when I get back home. I need to speak with Fenris alone. You two go ahead." Merrill nodded and started to walk off. Aveline turned her head once more before she left.

"This is the last time, Fenris. I mean it." and then they were out of sight. Fenris slouched against the wall, sheathing his sword. I turned to him, concerned and outraged at the same time.

"Do you have a death wish or something?!"

"And what if I do?" he responded coldly.

"What was that? Don't you dare play games with me. This isn't funny."

"Did I stutter?" he glared at me, anger in his eyes. "What do I have to live for? There is nothing for me anymore. Everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, only pain and suffering is present. That child was the only thing that could have given me meaning. All I have left in this world is a possible sister who I can never contact, without knowing if it will lead Danarius right to me."

"I'm still here Fenris."

"Yes, you're still here, looking just as you always have. You have your precious Anders to take care of everything for you, isn't that right, Hawke? You're just going on with your merry lives, nothing stops you for an instant. Tell me Hawke, did you spend any time grieving over the loss of our child, or did you just run off to the Viscount the very next day?"

Fury took a hold of every fiber in my body, and before I realized what I was doing, my hand was across his face, striking him in one hard movement.

"Don't you dare question my degree of loss! Have you forgotten that not only did I lose a child, but my mother in that very same instant? Do you know how hard it's been for me to get out of bed each day? Oh, how I would love to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine night after night, but I have a whole city looking at me to solve all of their damn problems! You do not get to judge how I choose to heal, you have no right!" I was grabbing him by the shoulders now, shaking with rage and disbelief at his ignorance. Fenris' eyes went wide, and he buried his face in his hands.

"No, I...I didn't mean it. I am sorry." He lowered his hands and took notice of my arm finally, the bandage was doing it's job but blood could be seen through it. He grabbed my arm, staring at it in shock.

"This...this was my fault."

"Anders will heal me. I will be fine."

"But you could have been seriously injured. I almost lost you once, I could not bear to lose you again. Not by my own hands...not now." his hands were shaking and his complexion was pale as he held onto my injured arm. My other arm reached out to him, and I lifted his chin so he was looking at me in the eyes.

"You want to make it up to me? Don't let this ever happen again, Fenris. You're hurting, if there's anyone that understands, it's me. If you want to drink yourself into a stupor, I get it. But do not put others at risk because you are too proud to back down from a fight. Do you understand me?"

"I do."

"Good. Let's get out of here. I need to get my arm fixed."

* * *

My estate was dark when I finally arrived. My entire staff had gone to bed, as it was very late. I made my way up the stairs and into my room, shutting the door behind me. Anders was in bed asleep, but the fireplace was still going strong. He mustn't' have gotten home much longer before I did. I sat on the bed and slowly nudged him awake.

"Anders, I need you to look at my arm."

"Hmmm?" he mumbled groggily, eyes adjusting. "What did you say, love?"

"My arm," I moved it in front of him and removed the bandage. His eyes grew wide and he jolted upwards fast, taking hold of my sore limb.

"Maker, Hawke! What happened?" He asked, inspecting my wound.

"We ran into Ser Varnell again. Him and a bunch of his followers attacked us." He waved his arms over my cut, and it began to heal.

"Oh Sweetheart, are you alright?"

"Yes. Thank you, Anders." I said, pulling my arm away from his grasp as soon as the gash fully closed up. His hands latched onto it once again, and he tenderly kissed the spot that just had been healed. I stared at the floor, not wanting to look at this man who was so devoted to me, when I had been neglecting him for months. His hand reached out, and turned my face so that I was looking at him.

"I know you're upset, and I know that you need your space. I just need to tell you that I am here for you, and that I love you. No matter how much time you need, I will be right here, missing you."

"Oh, Anders." I could not stay away any longer. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he held me close.

"Maker, I've missed this." he whispered into my ear, his embrace growing tighter.

"I'm so sorry, please don't ever leave me." He pulled away from me, both his hands wandered up to my face and grasped my cheeks.

"I could never possibly leave. You're the love of my life. Don't ever for a second doubt my devotion to you." His lips met mine and I kissed him with a passion that had been held back for over two months. I thought that it died along with our child, but it merely remained dormant and was now awakening again. He softly moaned into me as I sucked on his lower lip, his hands stroking my hair. I pulled away and held his hands in mine.

"I've been so scared Anders. Everyone around me seems to die. I thought that maybe pushing you away would be the best for both of us. I don't want to hurt you too."

"No Sweetheart, don't talk like that. After the baby...I couldn't stand to lose you too. You're my whole world, please don't leave."

"I won't. I promise."

"And I promise to be here for you more. I know I haven't been around much. It's just been so much easier to focus on my work. But you need me, and I'm not going anywhere. Not unless you want me to."

"No, stay. Hold me in your arms tonight. I can't promise I'll be ready for anything more than that for awhile, but I need to know that you won't give up on me." Anders pulled me into another tight embrace and laid us both down on the bed, pulling the covers over us.

"I waited for three long years to feel your touch. I swear to you, I can wait as long as you need me to. I will be forever faithful at your side."


	21. A toast to the Champion

**Authors notes: back to fluffier bits and smut in this chapter...finally. Sorry If I've been depressing you all!**

* * *

I clutched the letter in my hands, my blood pulsating through my veins at a rigorous pace. Isabela betrayed me, betrayed us. She was the reason the Qunari were in Kirkwall all that time. She stole the Tome of Koslun from them, and they refused to leave without it. It became so clear to me now, all the times she refused to go to the Qunari compound with us. She avoided them like the plague, and here I was, with a handwritten letter from her.

"Dear Hawke,

I have the relic, and am gone. I'm sorry it has to be this way. You've been a loyal ally, but this is best for us both. You promised me the relic, and I know you'll fight Castillon for me, but I don't want this. I've dragged you too far into this mess already.

You don't have to forgive me, but I hope you understand.  
Isabela"

Shit. I thought she was my friend, my best friend.

"Once a thief, always a thief." Fenris growled from beside me. He was right, I shouldn't be surprised, I scolded myself. I really should have went with Aveline. She needed my help with the Arishok, who was sheltering two fugitives who converted to the Qun.

"Let's get out of here." I said and brushed my way past Fenris, Varric, and Anders. When we reached the compound, the Qunari only let myself, Aveline and a couple of her guards in to speak with their leader. For months, the tension had been building with the Qunari. The Arishok now knew about the relic, and Isabela. His voice was demanding, as it always was but this time, his gaze was all the more intense.

"Your society is the disease." his voice boomed, and his eyes shifted between Aveline and I.

"I cannot leave without the relic, and I cannot stay and remain blind to this dysfunction. There is only one solution." My stomach dropped, and Aveline began to plead with him. We knew what was about to come - what the Viscount had been dreading for months.

"Arishok, there is no need for -" Aveline started to beg, but he cut her off. He nodded at his men above the rooftops and gave out an order which to our ears, we could not understand but his intentions were clear. Qunari from above started to throw spears at us. Two of Aveline's men became impaled and fell to the ground, instantly dead. I could not pull my gaze away from the Arishok, and he stared coldly at me.

"Hawke!" Aveline yelled, and I ran after her, to get away from the havok. We were able to catch up with the others. As soon as Anders saw me he ran up and embraced me.

"You're safe. Thank the Maker. I thought they'd got you. Darktown is flooded with people trying to get away from all this."

"The Qunari are assaulting the city and fast." Aveline said. Obviously they had been planning this for some time. Aveline wanted to head to the Keep to rally her guardsmen.

In a short time, the Qunari invaded the entire city. Running through Hightown, there were bodies everywhere. We saw several Qunari dragging people and herding them into the Keep. We ran into First Enchanter Orsino, as well as Knight Commander Meredith, who I was constantly hearing stories about. Carver was at her side. We came up with a plan to distract the Qunari that were guarding the keep so that Aveline, Anders, Fenris, and I could sneak in. Orsino shot off a bunch of fireballs, and the Qunari took the bait. Soon we were inside.

The Arishok and his followers brought a bunch of the nobles into one room. He murdered the Viscount throwing his dismembered head at the group of people who screamed and several women fainted. He was keen on ruling the city under his thumb - forcing all to submit to the way of the Qun. My friends and I walked into the room, and all heads turned towards us.

"I expected you." his voice resonated as he walked down the steps towards us. "Tell me, Hawke. You know I am denied Par Vollen until the Tome of Koslun is found. How would you see this conflict resolved?"

I was about to speak, but heard from a distance, the clashing of daggers. I whipped around, and there was Isabela, the tome in her hands. She had a sudden guilty conscience and came back, wanting to make amends for her wrongdoings. She passed the Arishok the tome, and we hoped all would be solved. But no, he wanted to take Isabela with him, wanted to make her submit to the Qun. She would be a slave. I couldn't let that happen, whether she betrayed us or not. She was still one of us, and I would be damned if I was going to let harm come her way.

"You leave me no choice. I challenge you Hawke. You and I will battle to the death, with her as the prize." I looked at Isabela, who protested that it should be her fighting, but the Arishok denied her, saying she was unworthy. My pulse quickened. I knew there was only one way to resolve this without there being even more bloodshed.

"I accept your challenge."

"No love, you can't do this! I won't let you!" Anders pleaded with me.

"I'm sorry, Anders. I have no choice." Suddenly, Qunari separated my friends from me, taking them to the upper level of the room.

"You damned fool! I swear if she dies..." I could hear Anders yelling at Isabela.

I looked up, and Fenris was staring from the balcony. He nodded at me and said "Do your worst, Hawke. I know you can do this." I nodded back, and then turned my attentions to the Arishok.

The Arishok relied on his brute force. Many times he came charging at me, head on. My agility allowed me to roll out of the way just in time to freeze him in place and shoot a variety of spells. One time I shot him with lightning, another time I set him on fire. Despite my efforts, he still attacked. At one point he slashed his sword right through my side and hoisted me over his head with it. The sharp pain coursed through my body and I screamed out.

"Marian, no!" I heard Anders call out to me, with such a fear in his voice. I fell to the ground and quickly drank a health potion, and soon I was on my feet again.

On and on the battle went like this, and half an hour later, the Arishok lay dead at my feet. Cheers could be heard from all around the room. People embraced each other and clapped. Anders came running to me and spun me around in his arms, tears falling from his face.

"You crazy, brave, foolish girl. Don't ever scare me like that again." He sobbed as he kissed my lips.

"The city has been saved!" one noble yelled. Knight Commander Meredith slowly walked over to me, her expression serious.

"Well done. It appears Kirkwall has a new Champion."

* * *

One week after the attack, a celebration was held in my name throughout the streets of Hightown. There would be a grand feast, drinks, and music all night. It was to start at dusk, and I spent the better half of the day with butterflies in my stomach. Ever since the Qunari confrontation, I received dozens of thank you letters, people from all over Kirkwall were sending me their praises for saving their husband, their child, their lover. "Champion this," and "Champion that". I appreciated the gratitude but I already knew that with this new title, a huge weight of responsibility was sure to fall into my lap. As if I didn't have enough as it was!

Shortly before the festivities were scheduled to start, I stopped by the Hanged Man. I wanted to meet up with my friends so we could all go together. Varric was having a few drinks with Aveline, Donnic, and Fenris. I poked my head in the corner and Varric raised his mug in the air as soon as he saw me.

"Well if it isn't the Champion of Kirkwall herself!"

"Please don't start calling me that, Varric."

"Come on, it will only make my stories all the better. You're a Champion now, Hawke, take some pride in it. These titles aren't handed out to just anyone, you know."

"Oh, alright, if you must."

At that moment, Isabela came by the suite, her bags packed.

"Rivaini, what's all the luggage for?"

"I'm leaving." she said, emotionless.

"Isabela, why?" I asked, confused and worried at once.

"Look, I get you have a sense of loyalty to me because that's the kind of person you are. But me, I can't stay here any longer. I will always be that traitorous bitch who nearly had the whole damn city destroyed. If Castillon doesn't kill me, someone else will."

"That's not going to happen, not on my watch."

"I'm sorry, Hawke. I just can't. You've been a great friend, but I haven't, and it's best I be on my way." A sense of emptiness came over me. Isabela was someone I confided from the day I met her. She was so dear to my heart, and I couldn't imagine not having her around anymore.

"You'll write, won't you?" I asked, hopeful.

"Of course." she said, and came over and embraced me in a hug. She pulled away from me, and turned her attention towards Fenris. Not once had he looked up since she came in the room.

"Fenris? Have you thought on my proposal?" Fenris still avoiding her glance, just shook his head, and downed the rest of his drink.

"Suit yourself then. It's been a pleasure, Hawke. Take care of that man of yours." And with that, she was gone. As she left, I began to ponder what she was going on about.

"What did she mean by that, Fenris?"

"She offered to take me with her."

"When was this?"

"That night after the battle. She said she was leaving Kirkwall, and that I was free to come with her."

"And since when have you two been so close?"

He shrugged, still not looking up. "We're not. She knows of what I have been going through, and suggested I leave with her."

"But you're staying?"

"For now, yes."

Something inside told me that there was more to what Fenris was saying, but I didn't reflect any more on it. I was just relieved he wasn't leaving. We all left The Hanged Man together and went on our way to Hightown.

The sun was setting in the sky when we arrived. Beautiful pinks and oranges danced across the horizon and a warm breeze swept through my hair. Long tables were set up throughout the street and the bards, chefs, and servers were setting up their stations. Many of the Hightown residents had already gathered, and an eruption of clapping went around as I made my way through the wave of people. Varric nudged my side.

"See? This Champion thing isn't so bad." I laughed and shook my head at the sentiment. Anders was already sitting at table and we joined him. Someone played a lute softly as we ate and drank throughout the night. Several toasts were made, including one from a very inebriated and chatty Varric. I hung my head in embarrassment as he went on to tell of adventures he had been on with me, some of which he embellished the details.

"And then Hawke took her staff... and...and rammed it so far down the darkspawns throat it came out the other end!" Varric exclaimed, hiccuping and slurring all the while. Several gasps and moans could be heard throughout the crowd.

"Did you really do that Hawke?" Merrill exclaimed beside me, completely intrigued by Varric's rambling. I shook my head at the adorable elf. "Oh, he's just making things up again isn't he?" Anders and I both laughed, Aveline rolled her eyes, and Fenris shook his head, finishing off his eighth glass of wine of the night. He had still been drinking quite a bit, but usually just in the privacy of his own house.

As the night went on, a singer took her place beside a new lute player and began to sing beautiful ballads. Couples were sprawled across the street, holding on to one another and dancing. Anders stood and reached for my hand.

"Would I be so lucky as to attain the honour of a dance with the Champion?" I blushed as he pulled me away from the table and close to where the other couples were dancing. He placed one of my hands on his shoulder and held on to the other one. His free arm wrapped around my waist and he pulled me close.

"My my, are we suddenly a little shy?" I looked up and he was gazing down at me, a smile plastered all over his face.

"I...I don't know how to."

"What, dance? It's easy, let me show you." He began to move slowly, and I followed his lead. I stared down, trying to match his footwork, but I had never been graceful and stepped on him a few times.

"Ow," he jokingly complained.

"I'm sorry! I knew I wouldn't be any good at this." He laughed and kissed my neck, still guiding me. "But you on the other hand...nice moves."

"Well, I had to find a way to impress the pretty girls somehow."

"And just who taught you, serrah?"

"A gentleman never kisses and tells." I smacked him playfully in the shoulder and he pulled me in for a kiss.

"Mmm gentleman indeed. Not very gentlemanly of you to paw at me in public."

"Oh, just wait til you see what I have in store for you in private." I turned my face away from him as he said it. We still hadn't been intimate and it was difficult for me to think of what it would be like now. "Oh Marian... I'm sorry. No...I didn't mean...we can wait." I turned up to him to see that worried look creasing his brow again, his honey eyes fretful.

"No, no more waiting. Tonight we end this drought."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."

* * *

It was past midnight when we were finally able to pull ourselves away from the festivities. It seemed as if every person there had something they needed to say to me, and while it was charming at first, I desperately wanted it to be over and done with. Every chance Anders got, he would whisper dirty secrets into my ear. He even grabbed at my backside once, as I was engaged in some dull conversation with a noble whom I had no interest in conversing with.

As soon as my bedroom door was shut, we were all hands and kisses, groping every inch of each other. Anders scooped me up and plopped me onto the bed. We were both hazy with wine, and all the more anxious to get naked. He pulled off my boots and tossed them over his shoulders. One of them crashed into my desk, knocking things over. We both laughed out loud and I covered my hand over his mouth.

"Shh! You'll wake the others."

"My sweet, sweet Hawke, if anything's going to wake them, it will be you screaming my name." I moaned as he leaned forward, nipping at my neck. I quickly pulled my dress over my head and undid my breast band. By the time I pulled down my small clothes, Anders was completely naked in front of me. He climbed onto the bed and began kissing down my neck. I reached down and gripped his shaft and he hissed through his teeth. "Wait," he said, reaching over into my nightstand. In his hand he held a contraception potion.

"Here, take this. Unless..." he paused a brief moment, looking me deeply in the eyes. "Did you want to try again?" I quickly shook my head. I was nowhere near ready to consider such things, and after dueling the Arishok, it was clear to me that there would always be danger nearby. I was not willing to take those chances so soon. I took the potion and downed it fast.

"Alright, love. I have a bunch of those in the drawer. Take one every night before bed. Let me know when you start to run out, and I'll craft you some more." He resumed kissing me, trying to bring me back to the moment, and it was working. My entire body ached for him, longed to feel the release I had been denying for so long. I hadn't even taken my hand to myself in these months, and I felt as if I was about to explode. I felt Anders hands find my sex, and he gently parted my folds. His fingers circled over my pearl, and I gasped at his touch.

"Did you miss this?" I responded by moaning even louder. He chuckled and slipped a finger inside, curling it at the right spot.

"Oh Anders."

"Yes, love?"

"I need you inside me. Now!"

"If that is what you wish."

In one deep thrust, he entered me completely. We both moaned in unison. I felt so full, the feeling of him stretching me out had me whimpering. He pulled his hips back and quickly plunged back into me. Every thrust was met with a cry of pleasure. He began to work in a frantic pace. I scratched my nails down his back which set off a groan from him and he leaned forward and caught my lips with his.

"Maker, Anders!"

"That's it. Cum for me, sweetheart," He whispered into my ear, and at that very moment I saw fireworks. I called out his name as my insides began gripping him tightly, waves of ecstasy possessing every muscle in my neglected body. He began to curse and shortly after I felt him pump his own orgasm into me, joining me in the unbelievable pleasure that we had been denying ourselves of for what felt like an eternity.

Anders rolled off of me and fell onto his back, and as soon as he withdrew from me I felt empty. I curled up beside him, placing my head over his moist chest as he was still catching his breath. I planted a few kisses throughout his blonde chest hair. "Thank you, thank you, thank you." I praised him.

"Was it that good?" He mused.

"It was just what I needed." I purred into his ear, and began suckling on his earlobe.

"Maker, Hawke. Ready to go again already?"

"Oh come on, you're always going on about that Grey Warden stamina. How about you put it to good use." I climbed into his lap, winking at him.

"Anything for you, love." he gently pulled me onto him, kissing me passionately as his erect member slid back into me with ease. We made love throughout the night until the sun began to rise again. Anders spent the entire next day in bed with me. We had lost time to make up for, and neither of us wanted to waste a moment of it.


	22. Anniversary

**Authors notes: OK...this is the smuttiest bit I have written to date, and I am blushing as I am posting this. *Ahem* Enjoy.**

* * *

Making my way through the dark street, I had an unsettling feeling that I was being watched. It was like that for a few days following the banquet. Everywhere I went, I felt eyes piercing through me, but no one was ever seen. I was alone, and although I knew I could handle myself, I didn't want to take any chances. I took a shortcut through a back alley and ran around the corner. I was almost home, my estate was in sight. I wanted to sprint for the door, but curiosity got the best of me. I had to know who was following me. Turning around, I saw quick movements in the shadows.

"Alright. I know someone's there, and I don't take kindly to stalkers. Are you going to show yourself, or are we going to do this the hard way?" I threatened, letting my hands glow brightly. The figure came out, hands stretched outwards in defense.

"It's me, Hawke."

"Fenris?" His face came into view, and a look of gloom was spread across it. "Why were you following me?"

"I - I don't know." He looked like a lost child, completely confused and unsure of himself.

"You've been drinking again, haven't you?" I knew the answer, even when he didn't respond to my question. "Please talk to me. I'm so worried about you."

"You...you almost died." Fenris looked deeply upset, his eyes were sorrowful, looking into the depths of my soul.

"Yes, I almost died." I acknowledged. He bit his lip, and we stared at each other for a few moments, neither of us speaking a word. He fidgeted in place, looking as if he was torn between coming closer to me or running away. He chose the former and closed the gap, our bodies mere inches away from each other. He placed his hand on my cheek tenderly, his eyes soft, the green in them shining brilliantly.

"I'm glad you didn't." He pulled his hand back quickly, and now avoided my gaze. "Hawke, there's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?" His eyes shifted back and forth quickly, becoming frantic.

"I... I need to go." He turned and took quick strides away from me.

"Fenris?" I called out to him, but he kept walking.

* * *

Isabela never did write. Months passed and I found myself still worried about her. I leaned over my writing desk, scrounging through many unopened letters, trying to see if there was anything from her. Not a word. Was she hurt? Did Castillion catch up to her? I felt so helpless, not knowing what became of her. I felt Anders strong arms wrap around me, and I leaned into him as he kissed my neck.

"Still no sign of her?" He knew exactly what I was frantically searching for, he had come to know me so well. I turned and placed my hands around his neck, shaking my head.

"I'm sure Isabela's fine. She's probably just having some fun. You know how she is."

"Do I ever." I smiled. I hoped Anders was right - that she was too busy engaging in lots of sex with various men and simply forgotten to write.

"You look stressed. Come, let me take care of your worries." A sly grin reached his face and I knew what was in store for me. If there was one thing I loved about Anders, was that he knew how to make me forget about all the troubles that I carried with me day to day.

* * *

Anders rolled over, both of us panting for air. Beads of sweat dripped off his forehead and he was flushed with colour. Immediately post coitus, my mind raced to Isabela again. She was really getting the best of me that day. Anders turned and noticed my worry.

"Well, obviously I failed to please."

"No no, it's just..."

"Isabela again?" I nodded. Anders brow furrowed, deep in thought. I could tell something was bothering him.

"Sovereign for your thoughts?" I inquired.

"Love, can I ask you a question?"

"You can ask me anything."

"Are you happy with our sex life?"

"Of course, I am! Why would you think otherwise?"

"It's just that you've seemed a little distracted lately whenever we've been intimate, and I worry you are growing bored." I leaned over and gently kissed his soft lips.

"I've just had a lot going on. I'm sorry."

"So, there's nothing you'd like to try? I'm asking because it is our anniversary next week, and I wanted to please you." Our anniversary - had it really been a year already? I would have never known, I was so busy taking care of the city's problems, I barely had any time to breathe, let alone think.

"Hawke?" Anders asked again, snapping me out of my train of thought.

"Sorry." I thought back to his question. Sex with Anders was amazing, mind-blowing really. He never failed to give me release and was so very attentive. That was just it though, he was always gentle, slow, romantic. I did love this soft side, but every once in awhile I would think, just for a moment, of that night with Fenris. He was Anders' complete opposite: rough, dominating, and demanding. Something about giving up all control made me melt into a puddle of raw pleasure. In life, I was always the leader, always calling the shots. It was nice to have someone take control for once, and I occasionally wondered if Anders would ever be able to dominate me in such a way.

"Okay, I know that look. There _is_ something you want from me. Come on, spit it out." He playfully nudged my ribs and I laughed. I was hesitant to bring the subject up. Would he be offended if I asked for such an act? He was so tender I had trouble picturing him being anything else, but there was also a dark side to him, one that I had seldom seen.

"Alright, alright." I turned on my side, leaning into my hand as he did the same staring back at me intently. "There is something that I would really enjoy, but if you're not up for it, I won't be offended. You can forget I even asked."

"Sweetheart, I'm sure there would be very little I would say no to. I did have a life before you, you know."

"Okay. Would you consider...I mean...could we possibly try something a little more, rough?"

"Rough how? There are many ways that can be interpreted."

"Well, I do love how passionate and tender you are with me, it is one of your finest qualities actually. You're my sweet Anders, that's what I adore about you. But sometimes, I would like to give up all control and grant it to you. Let you have your wily way with me." I said, blushing at the words that escaped my lips. I had been avoiding his stare, and when I looked up, I was greeted with a wicked grin.

"So you want to submit to my desires, is that what you're saying?" The aching returned to my sex when he spoke this way.

"In a manner of speaking, yes." He stroked my cheek and I kissed his hand.

"It's not that I haven't had the desire to, quite the opposite really. Hawke, there's something I've never really discussed with you. After Justice and I merged, there was no one. Not until you. I didn't know what intimacy would be like with him inside of me. There are times where I can feel him stirring, and that streak of dominance begs for release. I've just been so scared of losing control in the moment, I have had to hold back. But, if this is something you truly want, we can give it a go."

It took me a few moments to fully comprehend what he was telling me. "You've been holding back this entire time?"

"For the most part, yes. It's not been easy."

"Have you still enjoyed it?"

"Of course love, it's just been _challenging_ sometimes. To maintain composure. But now that I know you'd like to try something a little more kinky, I am quite excited actually." I let out a deep breath I didn't realise I was holding, relieved that he wasn't upset.

"So," he said after a moment. "We should talk about boundaries."

"Boundaries?"

"Yes. Is there anything you'd be against me doing? I'd like to know beforehand."

"Hmmm," I thought for a moment. "I can't imagine you'd do anything that I would dislike. You've always pleased me so." I said, stroking his hair.

"Yes well, remember, I have been holding back." Anders had a smug smile on his face. I knew right away he had something particular in mind, and I was nervous and excited at once.

"What's going on in that devious brain of yours?"

"You'll see." He chuckled, and planted a kiss on my cheek. "On our anniversary."

* * *

On our anniversary night, Anders cooked me a romantic dinner. He gave my servants the night off, and we were alone. I wore a black and blue dress that I picked out a few days earlier. Anders touched at it all night, constantly telling me how "beautiful" I looked. Blue was his favorite colour, after all. We sat across from each other, candles lay out across the table. I had to hand it to the man, he was very skilled in the kitchen. I unfortunately was a much better fighter than cook. While there were a handful of recipes I learned from my mother that I could execute flawlessly, beyond them I was hopeless. After dinner, I reached under the table for a parcel I had stored there. I handed it to Anders.

"A gift? For me?" He slowly removed the wrapping and his eyes lit right up. I was in the market in Lowtown when I came across an artist's stall. Right away, a picture jumped out at me that just screamed "Anders". It was a painting of an orange tabby. It reminded me of the cat Anders used to talk about all the time. I knew how much he missed his cat.

"This...this looks just like Ser Pounce-A-Lot!" He exclaimed, his eyes staring adoringly at the picture. "Oh Sweetheart, thank you so much." He leaned forward and tenderly brushed his lips against mine. "I will hang it up in our room tomorrow. You have no idea just how much I love it."

"Then I am glad I bought it."

"Well, I would give you your present here, but I'm afraid it's waiting in the bedroom."

"Shall we head that way, then?" I smirked, and his eyes lit right up.

"I was afraid you'd never ask." He took my hand, as we ambled up the stairs. In front of our door he grabbed me and pinned me against the wall, kissing me fiercely. I moaned into his mouth as his erection pushed into my legs.

"There are a few rules before we go in there."

"Rules?" I asked sheepishly. My nerves were beginning to kick in.

"Well, one rule. As soon as that door opens, "sweet" Anders is gone. If I ask something, you will comply. Unless - and this is the rule - If I hurt you in any way, or if I do something you really don't like, you must tell me. I want you to enjoy this as much as I do, and while I want you to submit to me, if something happens that you are going to hate, tell me to stop, and I will, immediately. Got that?"

"Yes," I breathed out, just wanting to get to it already. Anders leaned in and kiss me before pulling away. "Very well, love." And then he opened the bedroom door.

* * *

It was dark, and I could barely see a thing. The door closed behind me.

"Anders?" I asked, and I felt his hand wrap around my neck as he stood behind me. His mouth pressed against my ear and I could feel his hot breath.

"Do not say a word, not unless I tell you to. Understand?" I breathed out slowly, shivering all over. His hands tangled in my hair wrapping his fingers around. He pulled my head back, not hurting me but rough enough to get his point across. "I asked you a question. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Good. Then get to the bed, and strip." I found my way to the bed, and Anders lit a few candles, just enough for there to be a dim light. I pulled my dress over my head and slid out of my underclothes. When I turned around, Anders was already naked, watching me intently.

"Lay on the bed, and spread your legs."

I lay back, my head sinking into a pillow. Anders sat at the foot of the bed, his eyes never leaving my naked body. Slowly my legs parted, and he licked his lips.

"Put your fingers inside." I let my right hand graze slowly down my abdomen until I found my core. Two of my fingers sank into my wetness and I heard Anders catch his breath.

"Now move them, in and out." My hand worked back and forth, obeying his command.

"Very good, my little Hawke. Pretend that your fingers are me, stretching you out. That's what you really want, isn't it?"

"Yes," I quietly moaned.

"Well now, you're going to have to prove to me that you deserve it." I moaned again, his words alone were enough to get me off.

"Come here. Crawl to me. On your knees, little girl." I sat upright before I got onto my knees. "Look at me." He demanded sternly. I held his gaze as I crawled towards him.

"Very good," he placed his hand along my jawline softly. "Take me in your mouth now, and don't stop until I tell you."

I lowered my head to his erection, and took him into my mouth. I went to wrap a hand around him, as I always had, but then he spoke. "Nuh uh, hands behind your back." I was confused for a second, but then he grabbed my arms, joining them together at the wrist, and he held them there. "Now suck." I moaned into him and resumed. My tongue lazily swept over the head as I pushed myself further onto his member. With his free hand he pushed my head downwards, so that I was forced to take his entire length in. He began to thrust his hips back and forth. Wet smacking sounds of my lips against him filled the room. Anders grunted and pulled away.

"I think I like your hands like this." He let go of me and walked over the our night stand, pulling out some rope. He came back to me, and tied my hands in place, behind my back.

"Lie on your stomach now." I complied and did as he said. This was a side of Anders I only dreamed of seeing. Every word, every demand made me ache for him. I longed for him to be inside me. I felt the bed shift as he got behind me. The tip of his length pressed against my entrance.

"Tell me what you want."

"I want you." I moaned.

"Not good enough." he said, and a sudden smack came across my backside. "Now, are you going to be a good girl and tell me what you want?"

"I want you inside of me. Please, give it to me, Anders!" He moaned and with one quick thrust he filled me up completely. His hands grabbed my hips and he began to pump into me hard and fast. Every now and then he delivered another smack, and the sting made me want more. Anders moved a hand down to the crevice of my rear, and a finger crept down to the entrance there. I shivered as he stroked it. Anders had touched me there several times, but not often, and it was never more than gentle stroking. He pulled his hands away and reached for something he had laid out on the bed. I heard a pop and then the sound of liquid pouring out. It reminded me of the massage he gave me on my birthday. The smell hit my nose. Yes, it was definitely the massage oil. I felt a slick finger press against my entrance again, and Anders stopped his thrusting inside of me. He smeared the oil across me and I whimpered.

"You're loving this, aren't you, filthy girl?"

"Yes, don't stop."

I felt one finger slowly, and gently probe into me and I gasped. Anders began to move it in and out slowly, as his member was still inside my other entrance. The feeling was different, but it was just as good. He delicately pushed a second finger inside, and I moaned out.

"Tell me how this feels."

"It feels _different_."

"Bad different?"

"No, good." I heard him chuckle with delight. He began to thrust into me again, his fingers moving along with him. I felt so full, feeling him in both places at once. Having my hands bound behind me only added to the experience. "Look at you! You want me to fuck you in there, don't you?" His words ignited my passion, I could feel myself drench him when he talked dirty like this. My sweet, soft spoken Anders had a naughty side.

I thought about it for a moment, but decided I wanted nothing more than to please him. If it became too much, I could always tell him to stop. "Yes." I finally answered.

Anders pulled out and undid the rope that tied my hands together. He grabbed me and flipped me onto my back. "Legs up." he ordered, and I placed my legs above his shoulders. He grabbed onto the vial of oil, and slicked himself with it.

"Are you ready?" He asked me, and I nodded. "Alright, tell me to stop if it hurts." I looked to my side, and then I felt his hand turn my face. "Look at me. I want to see your face when I take you." I looked him in the eyes, and felt the tip of his member slowly push into my back entrance. It slid in carefully, with ease of the oil. He didn't move for a minute or so, letting my body adjust to him. He pushed forward and I moaned as he filled me completely. His breath was heavy and his eyes were dark with lust.

"Can I start moving?" I nodded at him and he pulled back, only to push back forward again. The pain was little, and mixed in with the pleasure I felt incredible. He moved a finger to my nub and let little shocks of electricity shoot through me, causing me to cry out in ecstasy. As soon as the ministrations from the shocks began, he moved faster and I had never felt such intense pleasure in my entire life. My moans and cries became louder and he thrust fast and hard. I looked up at him, shocked at the sight before me. His eyes were glowing blue, as they did before when Justice took control, but Anders voice was the same - just ever so slightly deeper. It was still my love in control, finally giving in to his animalistic urges.

He grunted and groaned and I knew he was close, as was I. A finger slid inside my core and that did it, I began to scream his name. "That's it, cum for me." he groaned. My climax pulsated through me, stronger than it ever had before. My walls gripped at his finger and then I heard him shouting. He thrust into me a few more times, ejaculating into me. He finally slowed and then stopped altogether. He tenderly pulled out of me, and collapsed on the bed beside me, breathing hard. His eyes returned to their normal honey brown and he pulled me into his arms.

"Alright love, "sweet" Anders is back," he panted beside me and I giggled.

"Is he now? Cause that other guy did some nasty things a minute ago." Guilt swept across his face suddenly.

"But you agreed you'd tell me to stop if you didn't like it!" he complained. I placed a finger across his lips.

"Shh, I was only teasing."

"Was it alright, then?"

"Yes. I quite enjoyed it, actually."

"Really? Because I've wanted to try that with you for some times. I was just afraid..."

"Anders, I love you. And I love everything you have done with me. Let's be more open with each other from now on, alright?"

He leaned forward and kissed me. "I think I can live with that."


	23. Drinks with Fenris

**Authors notes: This has to be another favorite chapter of mine. Hope you guys like it! Send me a review or message and let me know :-)**

* * *

A few years passed and the tension in Kirkwall was great. With the Viscount dead, Knight-Commander Meredith reigned as the most powerful person in the city. She had the mages under a tight leash, and disorder amongst the templars and mages was constant. I was a referee of sorts, always stepping in to try and calm the situation. I knew with every fibre of my being that something drastic needed to change, or else chaos was bound to happen.

Anders delved deep into the mage underground. For almost a year, he had been growing increasingly distant, putting all of his energies into his manifesto and trying to find a way to free those who were locked in the circle. For a while, I spent many hours helping him but with the city's growing demands for "the Champion" I had to focus my energies elsewhere. Anders was furious with me and accused me of not caring about my kind. It led to many fights between us, but eventually he gave up. He sank into a deep depression and it was so hard for us to communicate. I knew he loved me still, there was never a doubt of that in my mind. We just needed time for things to sort themselves out, I kept telling myself.

I decided to bring him supper to his clinic one evening. For a whole week he did not come home until almost dawn, and I wanted to make sure he was eating, at the very least. I was so worried for him. More mages were being arrested every week and it was well known that he was a healer. I was positive that the only reason he remained free for so long was because of his connection to me, but even I couldn't keep him safe from the Templars if the Knight-Commander sent for him. I quickly packed up his meal and headed to the clinic.

When I arrived at the clinic he was frantically scrambling through papers, and huffing to himself. He sighed aggravated, and then noticed me at the door.

"I brought you supper." I said, moving towards him. He slumped into the chair as I placed the container at his desk.

"Thank you, love," he said absently, still looking at the mess that laid before him.

"Are you alright?"

"Is that a serious question? Meredith has crossed the line. Every day good men, men I know, are being thrown into the circle, with no just cause. I am about to lose my mind. She needs to be stopped!" he hollered, directing his anger towards me.

"I know how you feel Anders, but..."

"You know how I feel? Really?" he stood up, staring at me angrily. "How many of your friends have been thrown in that prison? What exactly have you done to stop it? That's right. You and the Knight-Commander are such good friends now, aren't you? Running to her the second she beckons for you."

"You know that's not true! I despise that woman just as much as the next person. I will always side with the mages, no matter what. I am trying to keep things from falling apart, Anders. Did it even occur to you that one of the reasons I try to stay on her good side is so she won't take you away from me?" I fumed, unable to maintain my composure. It felt as if in a way she already had taken him from me, he was completely absent, focusing completely on his cause. For months I sat by and said nothing while he pulled away from me, I couldn't stay silent any longer. "And just why are you giving me this attitude? I came here to check up on you and bring you a meal, since I never even see you anymore. But clearly it was a mistake!" I yelled, turning on my heel to leave. I felt Anders hand grasp my arm.

"No, wait." He said, his voice now returning to its normal tone. I slowly turned around to face him, and his face no longer held any traces of anger, just suffering.

"I'm so sorry. I haven't been myself lately. It's just... I need to stop her Hawke. This needs to end. Justice won't let me rest. He won't let me give up until we find a solution to this madness."

"Will you be coming home soon, at least? Surely Justice doesn't expect you to find a solution by tonight."

"Yes, I shouldn't be much longer."

"I'll see you there, then." I headed for the door but before I turned the corner, Anders called to me once more.

"Hawke?"

"Yes, Anders?"

"I do love you."

"I know. I love you too."

* * *

It was dark and Anders still did not return. I had been sitting in the foyer, blankly staring at the door. Another lie, I thought to myself. Feeling infuriated, I stormed off to our bedroom. Going through papers on the desk, I found several copies of his manifesto. Hastily, I snatched them up and marched over to my fire placed and tossed them into the flames. I felt a great deal of satisfaction watching them burn. That damn manifesto and his plans for the mage underground had been consuming Anders and I was just a presence in the back of his mind. I hated it.

I was fed up of waiting around for him, so I grabbed a book and headed towards Fenris' mansion. Ten months prior, we picked up our reading lessons again. He was now at the point where he almost needed no assistance. During the years that my reading lessons had stopped, he practiced on his own.

Mostly he would read aloud to me and once in awhile, he would ask for clarification on a word. He was asking less and less now, but it was nice to listen to him read. His voice was smooth and it reminded me of being a child, when my parents would read to Bethany, Carver, and myself when they tucked us in bed.

I know it may have been wrong, but I often turned to Fenris during Anders' absence. I was becoming increasingly lonely in my estate. My mother was gone and Anders was almost never home. I needed a friend to talk to, and because Isabela left three years prior, Fenris was my closest friend. I never spoke about the state of my relationship with him. We would read and have a few drinks, just like we did before things got so complicated between the two of us. It felt nice to have Fenris back in my life without the hostility. Anders was not crazy about it, but then again he wasn't home half the time to know where I even was. If he wanted to stay out all hours of the night, than he had no right to tell me who I could spend my evenings with.

I entered Fenris' home and heard voices come from the other room. It took me a moment to recognise the other as Sebastian's. I stood in the doorway a moment, listening in.

"You know, when I return to Starkhaven you're welcome to come with me." Sebastian said, matter of factly.

"And do what, exactly?"

"You're a fine warrior. If you could train men to fight like you do, we'd be unstoppable."

"I'm no leader, and I doubt humans would want me training them."

"Then why not train elves? I bet there's plenty who would admire all you've accomplished."

"I... haven't accomplished anything."

"No? You are your own man, living as you see fit—you give yourself too little credit."

"You are being kind."

"Not at all. Think about it." Just at that moment, they turned the corner and Sebastian just about crashed right into me. My face turned red, embarrassed that they would know I was eavesdropping on their conversation.

"Hawke, what a surprise!" the rogue laughed. "What brings you here?"

"I uh...came to talk to Fenris."

"Well that would be obvious. Isn't it getting a little late?" he questioned, disapproving. "Where is Anders?"

I tolerated Sebastian's preaching most times, but right now he was sticking his nose where it didn't belong. As soon as he found out about my pregnancy those years ago, he often tried to get me to attend the Chantry's ceremonies. He made it very clear that he did not approve of any one-on-one time Fenris and I spent together. Fenris however, found a friend in Sebastian in recent years. I did not want to make things awkward for him so I was nothing but polite to the ex prince.

"I'm my own woman, Sebastian. I do not need his permission to visit a friend."

"Oh, I've offended you. That was not my intent. I'm sorry Hawke. You two have a good night." He bowed his head and then was out the door. Fenris turned to me once his friend left.

"How long were you standing there?

"Not long." I said looking down.

"Of course not," he said lightly, and when I looked up he was smiling.

"So, are you going to take Sebastian up on his offer?"

"I thought you said you weren't standing there long."

"Fenris."

"I do not know yet. It is a nice idea, but I'm not sure if it is what I want."

"I see." I could not fathom the thought of him leaving too. It seemed everyone close to me eventually left. I could not hide the hurt in my eyes and Fenris tilted my chin up.

"Look at me. You need not worry. I will not leave if it bothers you so."

"It's your life, Fenris. Who am I to tell you what to do with it?"

"If I were to let anyone to tell me what to do, it would be you. Hawke..." he trailed off for a moment.

"Yes, Fenris?" He looked down to my hand.

"Is that a new book?" He always had a penchant for changing the subject whenever he was about to tell me something that seemed deeply important to him.

"I found it in the market the other day. It seemed to be at the same reading level you read. I thought maybe you'd like to give it a try." He grabbed the book from my hand, and ran his fingers over the cover.

"Would you like to come sit with me then?" He asked.

"I would love to."

* * *

By the time I left, I had drank so much wine, Fenris insisted that he walk me home. I had my arm around his neck and he held onto me, trying to steer me in the right direction. I tripped over my own feet and Fenris snickered.

"You are an insufferable lightweight."

"Hey!" I shouted, probably a little too loudly. "Y-You take that back. I am not in-insuffer..."

"Insufferable." He corrected. "And you're right. You're not. Only slightly ridiculous." We found our way to my front door, which Fenris had to unlock for me, my hands refused to cooperate. We stood in the doorway and he looked around.

"Will the mage be okay with helping you up the stairs?" I looked down, and did not see Anders' boots where they normally lay when he was home.

"Not here."

"He's not home?"

"Nope. ANDERS!" I yelled out and Fenris covered my mouth.

"Silence, woman! You will wake up your household."

"See, he's not here." I attempted to say but it only came out in a muffled sound as his hand covered my mouth. He pulled his hand away, and wiped off the saliva that I accidentally covered him in. A fit of giggles took over, and I somehow ended up on the floor in a spasm of laughter. Fenris leaned down, and pulled my boots off of my feet. He grabbed me into his arms, and lifted me up to carry me up the stairs. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my head leaning into him. I breathed in the scent that was Fenris, and I exhaled pleasantly. Fenris noticed and chuckled to himself.

He managed to open my bedroom door while still holding me in his arms. Once inside, he carried me over to the bed. He pulled back the sheet and placed me onto the mattress. Once I was laid down, he tucked me into the covers, and brushed my hair off of my face as he sat on the edge of the bed beside me. I looked up at him, and his face showed concern.

"Does he usually leave you home alone like this?"

"Hmmm?" I asked groggy from the wine and late hour.

"You have been visiting me so frequently, and I did not realise why until now. Where is he, Hawke?" All I could do was shrug my shoulders. He angrily shook his head in frustration. "Will you be alright tonight?" I nodded and he stood up.

"Alright then. Sleep well, and I shall see you soon." I watched him get up to leave, and as he was a foot away from the doorway, Anders came in. Anders eyes went from Fenris to me in the bed.

"Hawke." He spoke in a stern and shaky voice. "What is _he _doing in our bedroom?"

"I brought her home. She had too much to drink and I wanted to make sure she arrived safely, as _you_ clearly were not around to do so. I was just leaving."

"Yes. You were, elf." Anders said, none too impressed. Fenris turned the corner and left. Anders quickly came over to the bed and took my hand in his.

"Marian, tell me the truth. Why was he really here?" I snapped my hand away from him.

"Suddenly you care. Where were y..you?" I slurred out.

"Maker, how much did you drink tonight? You smell like a wine cellar." I pulled away from him and turned over. I heard him let out a sigh and leave the room. A minute or so later he returned and tugged on my shoulder.

"Sit up and drink this." He said, handing me a glass of water. I pulled myself upright and downed the whole thing. He grabbed the cup and set it on the night stand. Anders walked around to his side of the bed and began to undress. I felt the bed shift as he got under the covers with me. If he said anything after that, I could not remember because I had fallen into a deep, undisturbed sleep


	24. A dangerous man

**Authors notes: Another smutty chapter ;-) One of the last steamy bits of this story, it will be coming to a conclusion in about 6 chapters from now. There will be a sequel, a much better written one. Never again will I write in first person, it is so limiting! Blah. I have also started writing a steamy story, since many of you sent me messages when Hawke's pregnancy ended. If you were curious about how dysfunctional Anders/Hawke/Fenris would be as a little family, look no further. It's called Equilateral. **

* * *

The sound of objects banging and things being tossed about awoke me from my sleep. The pounding in my head was there before I even opened my eyes.

"Oh Maker," I covered my ears and closed my eyes tightly. I felt Anders pull one hand away.

"Well maybe that will discourage you from staying out all night drinking with that elf." He said bluntly. My eyes took a moment to adjust and I noticed boxes all about the room.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I'm moving my things from the clinic over here."

"But why?"

"Clearly I need to be here more." he said, with a hint of venom to his words. I raised an eyebrow to him.

"Are you saying that because you miss me, or because you're insecure about my friendship with Fenris again?"

"Does it matter?" Anders responded, his words distant, as he focused on unpacking the contents of a box. "I will be here, that's all that should be of importance." I sat upright in my bed, my head throbbing. I winced and sucked in a breath, and as I did so, Anders' cold demeanor softened. He came to our bed, and sat on the edge. He placed fingers on each of my temples, warmth emanating from them. I could feel the pounding slow, and eventually come to a stop. When I opened my eyes and saw him sitting before me, he looked worried and the lines in his face creased.

"Can you honestly tell me that nothing happened here last night?"

"I promise you, Anders. Nothing happened. I just had a bit too much to drink, that's all."

"You're certain you remember? What if he took advantage of you?" I grabbed onto his hands, lowering them from my face.

"Fenris is my friend, Anders. He isn't a monster."

"You think he's content to simply be a 'friend' to you? I've seen the way he still looks at you, Hawke. Can you be certain he would keep his hands off of you if the opportunity presented itself?"

"I'm positive. Please, can we just put this behind us? I've missed you." Anders leaned forward, bringing his lips to mine. When we kissed, nothing else mattered in the world. The man that I loved desperately was back, and I never wanted him to leave. He pulled away, a smile plastered on his face.

"Let's get you some breakfast. I'll bet you've worked up quite an appetite."

* * *

Sometime in the late morning, there was a knock on my front door. I was sitting in the kitchen with Anders, as we were just finishing our meal, when Sebastian walked in.

"Good morning, Hawke. _Anders._"

"What brings you here?"

"Well, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me one last time before I return to Starkhaven?"

"So you have decided to take your throne back, then?" Anders asked, not making direct eye contact with the ex-prince.

"I have. I will be returning a week from today. There is a matter of business left, before I seek to claim the throne. I know you're a very busy woman, Hawke, but I'd appreciate the help. It seems my cousin, Goran Vael, has heard I wish to reclaim the throne. Some assassins paid me a visit last night."

"Maker, are you alright?"

"I handled the situation, but I need to know what I'm going up against. Will you help me, Hawke? I could use your skills in tracking other potential assassins."

"Sure. Just let me get my boots on and we can leave." I stood up, and wiped my face with a napkin on the table.

"Mind if I sit this one out, love? I have work that needs my attention." I leaned into him and gave him a quick peck.

"It's fine, Anders." I started to exit the room with Sebastian.

"Great, now we'll just need to grab Fenris before we set off." We heard Anders' chair push back and he was quickly at our side.

"On second thought, some fresh air might do me some good." Rolling my eyes at his obvious insecurity, I handed Anders' his staff that lay against the wall at the entrance next to mine, before heading out the door.

* * *

On the way back from our excursion, the sun was beating relentlessly on our faces. Summer arrived, full force, which meant the rainstorms were soon to come. Not on this day however. I had sand stuck in my boots from the long walk, and couldn't wait to get home to relieve myself of the uncomfortable sensation scratching my feet. Anders and Sebastian walked in front of Fenris and I, bickering as they usually did.

"Is that supposed to be Andraste's face on your crotch? " Anders asked, rather bluntly.

"What?"

"That... belt buckle thing. Is that Andraste?"

"My father had this armor commissioned when I took my vows as a brother."

"I'm just not sure I'd want the Maker seeing me shove His bride's head between my legs every morning."

They bantered back and forth, and I shielded my eyes from the sun. "They're like an old married couple, I swear." I said to Fenris who chuckled.

"In that case, perhaps Sebastian should bring Anders with him to Starkhaven rather than myself." I laughed for a moment, then it dawned on me that maybe Fenris had thought more about joining Sebastian.

"Are you going?" He shook his head quickly.

"I do not think it is my time to leave Kirkwall yet. I have unfinished business here."

"Such as?"

"Danarius." he growled, and I scowled at myself for asking such an impertinent question. It was obvious Fenris still feared the return of his former Master, and as much as Fenris was afraid of being recaptured, he did not want to run any longer.

"Are you sure he hasn't given up? It's been years, Fenris."

"He is not one to simply give up something that held so much value to him, and I doubt he is dead."

"I'm sorry I brought it up, I didn't mean to."

"You have nothing to apologize for. You were simply curious."

We turned our attention to the two in front of us, as they were now throwing heated words at each other. Somehow they trailed off onto an entirely different subject, and were spewing venom at one another.

"Someone should put the senile old wench out of her misery. Too bad you killed Lady Harimann, I heard she was good at it." Anders spat at Sebastian, and right away Fenris and I stopped dead in our tracks.

"How dare you? I should have turned you in to the templars years ago. As a matter of fact, I think I will do that right now!" Fenris and I shot each other a look, and we nodded to one another.

Fenris held Sebastian back and I got in front of Anders, trying to move him away from the situation. They were just about ready to kill one another.

"Unhand me at once, Fenris!" the rogue squirmed in his arms.

"This isn't worth it, friend." he responded, not letting go of his strong grip.

Anders tried to push past me, but I grabbed onto his shoulders hard. "Anders, go home now." I said sternly.

"Marian, stand aside." Anders growled at me.

"No! You seriously crossed a line. Get home now, or I swear-"

"Fine!" he yelled at me, and stomped off in the opposite direction. We stayed there a few minutes, allowing Sebastian to maintain his composure. By the time we escorted him back to the Chantry, the sun was already starting to set. It was a long, eventful day and I couldn't wait to get home.

Sebastian wanted a word in private with me, so I joined him inside. He looked at me with steady eyes, as if he were trying to read my mind. Finally he spoke.

"I am sorry about earlier, Hawke. You know I respect you, and you have done much for me. It's just that Anders-" he trailed off for a few seconds, looking at me with concern. "I know it's not my place to question but please, be careful. He's a dangerous man, and selfish. Whatever he promised, don't think he'll ever put you above his own needs."

As I walked through the emptying streets back home, Sebastian's words hung in my ears. He looked so serious when he confronted me about Anders. I couldn't figure out if he truly believed what he was saying, or if he was trying to turn me against Anders due to his own distaste for the man I loved.

When I got home, Anders was in the study, scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. I went to lay a hand on his shoulder, and he brushed me a way.

"I see you're still angry with me."

"Hawke, I'm a little busy." he said absently, not even peering up at me. His distant words hurt, and I didn't wish to fight so I left him alone and buried myself in my room.

An hour later, I was growing desperate. He was home, and yet he was so far away. He hadn't lain with me, held me, made love to me in weeks, maybe months. I was growing restless, I needed his hands on me, but clearly he couldn't be bothered to try. The last time we attempted to be intimate, he couldn't finish the job. He said Justice would not let him focus on anything else, and he was not able to stay in the moment with me. I was so frustrated I could scream.

I missed his lips upon mine, trailing their way down my neck down to my breasts. I held onto this image, and unbuttoned my night gown. My hands roamed over my nipples, and there I squeezed, imagining that it was Anders who touched me. My thoughts went to him kissing slowly, and torturously down my stomach, kissing and licking his way until he reached my center. Yes - there- my fingers tapped at my nub and I released a sigh. Oh, how I wanted him.

Visions of him thrusting inside of me came to mind, and I moaned louder now. I sank my fingers inside, thinking of him. I envisioned hands pinning my arms to the mattress, but suddenly in my mind I saw Fenris instead. I quickly stopped my ministrations. Why had my mind wandered back to that one night so many years ago? I felt guilty, but it was too late, I was too heated to stop now. My body and mind fought with one another. One moment I would think of how it felt when Fenris took me, the next second my conscience would be fighting my thoughts, and it was Anders instead. On and on it went like this, and my breathing and fingers worked at a frantic pace, moaning all the while.

I was building to my peak when suddenly the all too familiar intense feeling of electric waves shocked throughout my system. They started from the tip of my head, coursing down my body, throughout my nipples, into my wet core. I screamed out, letting my climax take me, as I looked over to the doorway where Anders stood smirking, using his magic from across the room to help me find my release. He didn't even need to physically touch me with his hands to pleasure me, and it drove me wild.

When I came down from the high, he strode over to me, quickly shedding himself of his clothes. Already hard, he climbed on top of me and began to kiss me feverishly.

"What were you thinking of, naughty girl?" he seductively whispered into my ear.

"You." I half lied.

"Good." he said as he sank deep inside of me and I gasped, feeling him stretch me out completely. Anders did not give me time to adjust to his length, he began to pump into me at a feverish pace, as if this the world was coming to an end. I didn't care, my body welcomed his thrusts gladly, and we both moaned in unison.

My nails sank into his back as I wrapped my legs around his waist, allowing him to pummel deeper inside. Our bodies joined as one, and I almost wept, so content to be intertwined with Anders again. The sensations were too much for me to handle, my body rejoiced at the pleasure and another climax ripped through me.

"Anders.." I whimpered and he bucked into me harder.

"Yes, say my name. Who makes you cum?"

"You." I squealed out, and my words of praise brought him to his own release.

"Oh, Marian." he gasped, filling me with his hot seed.

When our afterglow subsided, Anders rolled off of me and lay there, catching his breath. I grabbed one of his hands and started kissing his knuckles.

"Please don't keep me waiting so long next time. Please." I begged him.

"I won't," he smiled as he turned over and tenderly kissed my lips. I reveled in the feeling of being in his arms once again, feeling his breath become even, as he fell asleep next to me.


	25. Let her go

**A/N: Finally, another Fenris focused chapter. I have had this one planned out for the past three months. It took an extra long time to write it as I had so many ideas as what I wanted to happen in the second half of it. A painful secret is revealed..so read on! ALSO: my beta and I have been working on a Fenris story, it is posted under here account: Shinkshinkshink as FF does not allow duplicates. It is called Love is a Farm in Fereldan. Give it a looksie :-)**

* * *

About a week later, I came home from the market with Orana. We left early in the morning to get some supplies for the house. I had nothing on my agenda for the day, and wanted to get a little fresh air. When I opened my front door, Fenis was sitting on the bench.

"Would you excuse us, Orana?"

"Yes, Mistress," she said, and scurried off with the groceries. Fenris stood up, and fidgeted in place. He looked as if he hadn't gotten any sleep, and his skin was pale.

"What's wrong, Fenris?"

"It's my sister."

"Your sister?"

"I didn't tell you, but I followed up on Hadriana's information. Everything she said was true. I had to keep it quiet, but I eventually contacted Varania and sent her coin enough to come meet me. And now she's here." Fenris frantically paced back and forth, unable to keep still. "Getting a letter to her was difficult and she didn't believe me at first, but she's finally come."

"You're worried Danarius knows?"

"The more it seems he doesn't know, the more certain I become he does! Come with me, Hawke. I need you there when I meet her. If we go to the Hanged Man during the day, she'll be there. For the next week at least. It would mean a lot to me. That's all I ask." He looked at me with pleading eyes. It was nine years now since he fled from Danarius, and there was no way I would let him face this alone, if it was indeed a trap.

"Let's get moving, then." I said to him, and he nodded in agreement. I left Anders out of it, I knew bringing him along would be insensitive to the situation. It was a very personal affair to Fenris. Instead, I went to the Keep to gather Aveline, then we headed to the alienage to get Merrill, as she had great knowledge in the arts of blood magic, should Danarius be involved.

We entered the Hanged Man and I took a quick glance around, and then spotted her. There, in the far corner, was an elven woman with red hair, and the exact same eyes as Fenris. As we approached her, she didn't even glance up.

"It really is you."

"Varania? I...I remember you. We played in our master's courtyard while Mother worked. You called me..."

"Leto. That's your name." Varania said, standing up, refusing to meet Fenris' glance. She had a distant look about her, and she was shaking a little. It became all too clear to me what was about to happen. My stomach flipped and I became terrified for Fenris.

"What's wrong? Why are you so-?"

"We have to get you out of here, Fenris!" I grabbed him by the arm. He had a look of doubt and confusion on his face, ever-so-momentarily. And that's when _he _appeared.

"Ah, my little Fenris, predictable as always," Danarius said nonchalantly, coming down the stairs in confident strides. His hair was aged, and he wore long robes. Several armoured men walked behind him. I turned to Fenris, and a look of pure terror spread across his features. His eyes widened, and his mouth hung open.

"I'm sorry it came to this, Leto." Varania said from beside us, and I could have struck her down right there. Fenris got right in her face, angrier than I had ever seen.

"You led him here!" Danarius came walking up directly behind the red-haired elf.

"Now now, Fenris. Don't blame your sister," he said in a tone that one would use on a pet. "She did what any good Imperial citizen should." He stood in front of Varania, strolling casually toward Fenris.

"I never wanted these filthy markings, Danarius! But I won't let you kill me to get them," he growled, fists clenched, and glaring at the magister. Danarius chuckled.

"Oh, how little you know my pet. And this is your new Master then? The Champion of Kirkwall? Impressive." I felt sick to my stomach that he even knew of me - that this sick, demented excuse of a man would even imply that I would own a slave.

"Fenris doesn't belong to anyone!" I almost screamed at him, ready to kill him right at that moment.

"Do I detect a note of jealousy? It's not surprising. The lad is rather skilled, isn't he?" The way the words rolled off his tongue, the way he said them - he wasn't implying Fenris' ghosting skills. No, this man was sick, and he made Fenris a body slave. I knew this before, and now more than ever, I knew he had to die. My blood boiled from within me.

"Shut your mouth, Danarius!" Fenris spat at him, his tattoos glowing, preparing himself to use them against his former master. Danarius gave him these skills to become a weapon, and Fenris was ready to make him regret it.

Danarius showed his first sign of anger since he appeared. He let out a shocked breath, clearly floored that Fenris would be so recalcitrant.

"The word is 'Master'!" he shouted.

"I'm going to wipe that smirk off your face," I hissed through my teeth, surprising even myself at the venom in my voice.

"You weren't always this way, Fenris," he started again, in a calmer voice. "Once upon a time you had affection for me. I remember it fondly."

That's when Fenris finally lashed out. Nine years he ran from this man, nine years he had been waiting for this very moment. Fenris threw himself towards Danarius, and the mage spread his hand directly across his body, using some kind of force spell, that hurdled Fenris into a table.

"Fenris!" I shouted, and when I turned to face Danarius again, he summoned a rage demon. Aveline lunged forward, impaling the demon. I cast a fireball towards one of the men, and his body went up in flames. A sword slashed across my back into my tender flesh. I fell to my knees. The other soldier approached, my blood on his sword. He was about to deliver another blow when Fenris' sword ran through him, and he fell to the ground.

Merrill froze another rage demon while Aveline hacked away at it, when Fenris pulled me to my feet. Quickly, I drank a health potion before we turned our attention toward Danarius. He had a sinister grin plastered on his face.

"You will bow to me again, I will own you; body and soul!" He hollered, stomping towards us. I shot a paralysis glyph at him, which only momentarily slowed his movements. He was incredibly strong, much stronger than the other blood mages I had faced - even Quentin.

He hit the floor with his staff, and a rumble of power erupted from the ground. It threw me to my back but Fenris managed to dodge it. He rushed at the mage, and began to deliver blow after blow. He was relentless in his movements, slashing and hacking his way through his former tormentor. He growled and hissed and blood splattered across his face. Danarius was clearly out of mana, and his body was weakening. Finally, he could not fight any longer. I stood up and shot a force spell at him, slamming him into a nearby wall. The evil man crouched on his knees, trying desperately to catch his breath, as Fenris paced over to him. His markings already aglow, he grabbed Danarius by his neck and lifted him up in the air.

The magister grabbed onto Fenris' hand, gasping for air. His feet dangled a good five feet off the ground. With a malicious and terrifying look spread across his face, Fenris narrowed his eyes.

"You are no longer my master!" he howled, like the wolf he had been named after, as he took his free hand and plunged it deep within Danarius' chest. A loud THUNK was heard as his heart burst from within him. Fenris killed Danarius with the very skill he taught him to use for his protection. Blood splattered everywhere, as Fenris' dropped his lifeless body to the ground of the tavern.

With a furious scowl on his face, Fenris turned to Varania, who had her hands lifted up in a surrendering motion.

"I had no choice, Leto." Fenris strode over to her.

"Stop calling me that!"

"He was going to make me his apprentice. I would have been a magister."

"You sold out your own brother to become a magister?" He spat with disgust.

"You have no idea what we went through - what I've had to do since Mother died. This was my only chance." Fenris markings lit up again and he began to back her into a corner.

"And now you have no chance at all," he growled. Varania looked at me with despair.

"Please, don't do this! Please, tell him to stop!"

"Wait, don't kill her!" I yelled. He whipped his head around to face me.

"Why not? She was ready to see me killed."

"This is your family, Fenris," While he was still looking my way, Varania's voice filled the air in a quiet song; the very song I heard Fenris sing twice before, the only memory he had of his past life. His eyes grew, and he turned around to stare at his sister. She was still against the wall, shaking and letting the notes flow from her mouth.

"Silentum nunc, parum unum. Cras est alium diem. Futurum enituit, et me semperque foveat tu."

"That...that song," he stammered. "I've remembered it for some time now, but I didn't know where it came from."

"Mother used to sing it to us, when she rocked us to sleep. Sometimes we would cry late at night, terrified. It was the only way she could calm us." Her words brought memories of me crying in his arms when I told him of my pregnancy, and how he held me and sang it softly in my ear to still my tears.

"I would have given you everything," he said sadly, and then he hardened. "Get out!" He snapped at her, and she began to run, but then stopped midway across the room. She turned to look at Fenris again, who was still facing the wall.

"You said you didn't ask for this, but that's not true. You wanted it. You competed for it. When you won, you used the boon to have Mother and I freed."

Fenris turned his head over his shoulder, to look at his sister once more.

"Why are you telling me this?!" So much pain came from his voice, so much anger and betrayal.

"Freedom was no boon. I look on you now and I think you received the better end of the bargain." With that, she turned and she left the tavern.

Fenris, whose head still hung down, walked slowly over to me. "I thought that discovering my past would bring a sense of belonging, but I was wrong. Magic has tainted that too. There is nothing for me to reclaim. I am alone."

I swear I could feel my heart shatter, he looked so sad. This was Fenris, a man who I had once been in love with, and still held him very close to my heart. I could almost feel tears in my eyes. I wanted to say so much to him, to tell him despite whatever happened to us - wherever life would take us, I would always be there if he needed me. Instead, I simply said "I'm here, Fenris."

Fenris placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, and his green eyes became soft and tender. The look he gave me is one I will never forget. He smiled - a sad, heartbreaking smile, meant only for my eyes. Our eyes met, and all we did was look at each other for several moments. I felt like taking him into my arms and just holding him close, but I stayed still. Eventually, his eyes and smile dropped, and an utter sadness replaced them. He turned from me and began to walk away. "I feel unclean, like this magic has been etched into my skin, and stained my soul. Let's go. I need to get out of here."

* * *

Fenris was silent when I walked him back home. Merrill went back to the alienage, and Aveline returned to her husband Donnic, so it was just the two of us for the remainder of our Hightown stroll. When we arrived at his front steps he turned to me.

"Thank you, Hawke. You have been a great ally, and I truly am glad that you came with me."

"Fenris, of course I came. I would never let you face that awful man alone."

"I know," he said, turning away. "You have been a better friend than I, and for that I am sorry."

"Nonsense," I said, cheerfully.

"No, it's true. But, maybe we will talk more of it another time. I wish to sleep now."

"Alright. Will I see you soon?"

"You can count on it." he smiled, and went inside.

When I finally got home, Anders was furious with me. He heard through the grapevine about what transpired at the Hanged Man earlier.

"Are you mad? You went up against a powerful magister, and you didn't think to tell me?"

"Anders, please try to understand. It was a delicate matter."

"You brought Merrill! _Merrill!_ She can't even heal. What if something were to happen?"

"Do I look like I've been torn apart to a million peices?"

"Well, you certainly look like you've been through the Void."

"Gee, thanks." I frowned, and he sighed.

"Marian, please. You know what I meant."

"I know, I know." I looked at him, and he had paper and ink spilled all over the study. "I guess you won't be coming to bed then?"

"I'm sorry, love. I have a lot to do tonight. I promise, I'll make it up to you. I have something in mind for us, but it has to wait." I sadly smiled at him.

"It's fine. I just want to sleep." I said, and dragged myself up to my bedchamber. I was too exhausted to even fully bathe all of the sweat and blood off. I undressed, and took a wet cloth and rubbed myself down before collapsing on my bed and falling in a deep slumber.

I let two days pass before I decided to contact Fenris again. He went through hell and back, and if I knew anything about Fenris, it was that he liked his space. I had an urgent feeling to check up on him however, as I knew it was highly unlikely that he would come to me first. I needed a drink beforehand, as I was feeling overwhelmed by the mixed emotions going through my mind. I was terrified now Danarius was out of the picture, that Fenris would leave for Starkhaven. I knew it was a great opportunity for him, and maybe I was being a little selfish in wanting to keep him in Kirkwall for myself, but he had become my closest friend, and I didn't want to lose him.

The skies were gloomy, and I could tell it was going to rain soon. Just one quick drink, and I would be out of there, I told myself. I opened the door to the tavern that was our battleground just a few days prior, and over at the bar I saw her. That familiar tanned skin, with long flowing black hair and womanly curves. Isabela.

The tavern was still a bit of a wreck from the brawl, a few broken bar stools were off in the corner and blood was stained on the floor, but I barely noticed. I practically ran over when I saw her.

"Isabela!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms around her.

"Hawke." she said softly, barely looking at me, her attention on the drink in her hand.

"I've missed you. I was so worried when you never wrote. Why didn't you write me? Oh nevermind that. The important thing is you're back. When did you get here?" I rambled on, feeling a little like Merrill when she went off on a tangent.

"I heard Castillon was in town. I decided to come to him before he could get to me. Finally end this thing."

"Do you need my help?"

"No, Hawke. I'm fine."

"Why are you avoiding me? What's going on?"

"It's...nothing." she said, downing the rest of her drink. She still hadn't even looked my way, and I couldn't understand why.

"Well, I can see you want to be alone. Please come get me if you need anything. I'm glad you're back." I said, turning to walk away. I got maybe two steps away from her, and what she said next shook me to my core.

"I slept with Fenris."

I stopped dead in my tracks, thinking for a split second that my ears deceived me. I slowly turned around and faced her.

"What...what did you say?" Isabela finally looked up, and stared me straight in the eyes.

"I slept with Fenris."

"When?" I could barely speak. My heart pounded low in my chest...no...it felt like it had sunk into my stomach.

"After you defeated the Arishok. Right before I left. I...I was feeling terrible. And there he was, drinking his sorrows away about the child you lost. We had a few drinks together, and it just happened."

"So you thought the appropriate thing to do after you betrayed me was to sleep with my ex-lover?"

"It was stupid, I know. And I am sorry Hawke. It was just sex, it meant nothing."

"It means something to me, dammit!" I screamed, and slammed my fist down on the bar. Patrons turned and stared, but I didn't care. All I wanted were answers.

"How could you do this to me? You knew how I felt back then."

"Felt back then?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh who are you trying to fool? Look at you, look how upset you are. Clearly you're still over the moon about him."

"Shut up, Isabela! You've been gone for three years. You know nothing about my life anymore!"

"Is that so, oh Champion of Kirkwall? Your life is a lie! Your romance has been failing since before it started, and it still is, isn't it? I can smell the sexual frustration on you! You probably think of Fenris when that dickless half-brain Anders actually gets it in his head to fuck you."

"How dare you?!" I screamed, grabbing her by the scruff of her shirt, and pinning her against the far wall. My free hand turned into a fist, and raised to hit her, but then I hesitated.

"Well, come on! Hit me!" she yelled. "Or haven't you got it in you?" I slowly let go of my grip on her.

"You're not worth it. You never were. Good luck with Castillon." I said.

"Shit. Hawke, no...I'm sorry."

"I don't care." I turned and began to walk away.

"I saw Fenris yesterday." I snapped my head over my shoulder.

"Relive a few good memories, did you?"

"No, nothing like that. I noticed he's still wearing your crest."

"So?"

"You really haven't a clue, have you?"

"What in the Void are you on about?"

"He is in love with you, Hawke. And you're a damned fool if you haven't realised it." I stormed away from her, and swung the door open and wandered into the pouring rain.

* * *

I practically ran all the way to Hightown. The skies were howling and I was soaked from head to toe. It hadn't stormed like that since the funeral, and thinking of that brought back even more painful memories. I thought of Fenris and Isabela together so soon after I lost so much, and it made me want to vomit. I could almost expect Isabela to do something like this, sex for her was just a physical act of pleasure, nothing more. But Fenris, he left me in the middle of the night right after we made love...no after we rutted. Sleeping with me caused him such grief, and yet he was able to bed Isabela as if it were nothing. Or had it been just as hard for him? I needed to know. I needed him to tell me the truth. Not once had he been able to talk to me. Anytime I needed the truth from him, he pushed me further and further away. Not this time. I would make him talk if I had to.

I stood at his front door and started to pound my fists furiously. I was completely drenched, and had no clue what I was going to say to him. The door opened and Fenris stood there, looking confused.

"Hawke, what in the name of -"

"You slept with Isabela?" His eyes went wide, and then he looked away. "Talk to me, damn you! I'm tired of the silence."

"Yes, I did."

"Why? Why her? Why my best friend? Do you hate me or something?"

"Hawke, it's storming out here. You're going to make yourself ill. Come inside." he reached out to grab my arm, and I snatched it away from him.

"No, don't you touch me. Don't you dare touch me! I can't stop thinking about your hands on her. Tell me, Fenris. Did you leave her in the middle of the night like you left me?"

"No." he said, staring me dead in the eye. My heart plunged and I felt like death would have hurt less.

"Maker!" I began to cry, my tears joining the rain dripping down my face.

"It wasn't like that with her, because it meant nothing. She meant nothing. With you, it meant _everything. _I was a fool, not only for that, but for watching you walk away."

"What?"

He stepped outside, to join me in the pouring rain, and I took half a step back. Instantly, the rain made his white hair cling to his face and his eyes became an even brighter green.

"I thought it better if you hated me, I deserve no less. But it isn't better. That night...I remember your touch as if it were yesterday."

"Fenris..."

"No, I need you to hear this, Hawke. I have remained silent for over three years. Every night, you are there when I close my eyes. When I look at you, I wonder how I could have watched you walk away. Marian..." When he said my name, I felt weak. He almost never said my name and hearing it from his lips, I lost myself. "Do you ever think of you and I?"

"I don't...I can't..."

"I have kept my regrets to myself for so long. Marian, if I could go back, I would stay. Tell you how I felt."

"What would you have said?"

"Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you. I didn't realise that I loved you until I let you go. And now...oh, forgive me!" Fenris gripped my face with both hands, and pressed his lips to mine. His touch was familiar and foreign at once. I tried to pull away, but his hands kept me in place. The feeling of his tongue seeking to gain entry of my mouth set me on fire. Three years ago, I begged for him to talk to me, begged for him to tell me how he felt. The timing was all wrong, but Maker, I longed for this moment. I gave in, and allowed him access, kissing him back feverishly. I moaned into his mouth as our tongues danced together. He tasted of lyrium and all that was Fenris. He clung onto my back, holding me as we kissed...and that's when his face flashed into my head. Anders.

No...no this was wrong! I was in love with Anders, the one who never left me in the middle of the night crying. He trusted me with his life, and I just fell into the arms of my ex-lover. I pulled away quickly, and Fenris looked alarmed.

"Hawke?" I began to cry again, feeling overwhelmed and shameful.

"I...I can't Fenris. I'm sorry, but I just can't."

"I ... I understand." He said.

Sobbing, I turned to walk away, and there standing in the rain, mouth agape was Anders. He saw everything. He saw Fenris lean in to kiss me, and he watched me eagerly return the favor. My heart felt as if it could rip right out of my chest, that look of pure betrayal was spread all over his face. He had water dripping down his nose. He stared at me with such a sadness in his eyes, and then he turned his attention to Fenris. The mournful expression dissolved into one of pure hatred. A hate for Fenris that he buried down for three years for my sake, that was now about to erupt. Anders' eyes narrowed, his fists clenched.

And that's when he lunged.

**End notes: Ooh drama! I used lines from two songs in Fenris' confession. They are Let her Go (Within Temptation cover) and Beautiful Goodbye by Amanda Marshall. These have been my official 'Fenris' songs for the past 2 months. Beautiful and sad.**


	26. Beautiful Goodbye

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long to post this! I had a bit of writer's block. Although, I have discovered the wonderful world of making fan videos :-) I made one for Fenris and one for Anders. I can't post the link here but if you go to YT and type in my user name "vampyerba" in the search you can find them on my page. Anyways, there's only about 4 more chapters to go until the sequel, enjoy!**

* * *

Anders lunged forward and grabbed onto Fenris, pinning him against the wall. He raised his fist, getting ready to punch him, but Fenris ducked out of the way. It was as if Anders even forgot about his magic, he was so infuriated he just wanted to pummel Fenris right in the face. He took another swing, and Fenris caught the punch into his own hand and clasped down on it.

"Stop fighting you two! Let's just talk about this...please, Anders!"

"Calm yourself, mage! I do not wish to hurt you for the sake of Hawke's feelings."

"Don't speak to me of your feelings for Hawke!" He shouted, ripping his hand away, and shoved Fenris into the wall a second time.

"Very well, mage! I will enjoy this!" Fenris yelled back and with that his fist met Anders' face, immediately leaving a black eye. Anders grabbed onto him, and they were both on the ground throwing punches at each other in the pouring rain.

"That's enough!" I screamed. I cast a paralysis glyph on them both, and separated them. They stayed frozen in place for about fifteen seconds, which was seemingly enough time for them to cool down. Finally the glyph wore off, and Anders could do nothing but stare at me with disbelief.

"How could you?" He spoke barely above a whisper, and I felt the tears well up in my eyes again. He reached into his shirt and yanked off the Tevinter Chantry amulet I gave to him as a gift, and threw it at my feet. He stormed away in the pouring rain. I leaned over to pick it up. Seeing it laying there, the chain broken, I lost my strength and fell to my knees, head hanging in defeat as the tears poured out of me. Fenris quickly was at my side, and he reached over to help me up.

"No, leave me." I sobbed.

"Hawke, please let me walk you home. You're soaked."

I grabbed the amulet and let him pull me to my feet.

"I need to find Anders. Please try to understand."

Fenris looked down. "You truly love him, don't you?"

"I do. I loved you once as well, and...I always will, Fenris. But Isabela - she was my best friend. That is the worst way you could have hurt me. And Anders...he is a good man, and has treated me in ways I had dreamed of before meeting him."

"Then you must go to him, Hawke." He said, and I could hear how it pained his voice to do so. He looked at me with sad eyes, and stroked my cheek gently.

"Go now. I will be fine." I looked at Fenris one last time, before I ran to the direction of my mansion.

* * *

It was dark and had stopped raining when I finally turned in for the night. When I got home, Anders was nowhere to be found. I went back into the rain to search high and low for him. I searched his clinic, then the Hanged Man, and then went back to his clinic and waited for him there for several hours. I eventually gave up, and traipsed back home. I was freezing cold, and my robes clung to my aching body. I prepared a hot bath and then sunk into it.

I sat there thinking about what I had done, and the reality of it set in. Everything Anders feared for the past three years came true. All the times I told him he had nothing to worry about, every time I said I only cared for Fenris as a friend, it ended up being one big lie. I didn't realise it until then. Yes, I still harbored feelings for Fenris. If he hadn't left me, I would have probably still been with him. But the fact of the matter was that he did leave, and refused to talk about it until now; three years later, when I had already devoted myself to Anders. Even though Anders and I were having trouble, it didn't mean I loved him any less. He was there for me when I needed him the most, and now that I betrayed him, I felt like utter garbage.

I dragged myself to bed, my eyes swollen and red from crying. I had no idea where he was, and I only wanted to know that he was safe. My heart absolutely ached for him.

Three days passed, and still there was no sight nor sound from Anders. Three agonizing whole days. I barely ate a thing or slept, and had Varric and Aveline on the lookout. I spent the hours wandering around the city. By the time I reached Hightown, I felt like I lost a never ending battle. I feared that Anders was gone for good, and that he was never coming back.

I walked up to my front steps, and there waiting by the door was Fenris. He saw me, and nodded casually as I approached.

"Are you alright?" he asked me, noticing the dead-like state I was in.

"I'll survive. You know me, nothing keeps me down for long." I tried to crack a smile, and Fenris cast his glance downwards.

"I came here to tell you something important Hawke."

"What is it?"

"I have accepted Sebastian's offer. I leave for Starkhaven in about six weeks." It felt like my heart dropped into my feet.

"Oh..."

"There is nothing left for me here. Danarius is dead. And you..." He looked up into my eyes now. "You will be fine. Sebastian has offered me the opportunity of a lifetime. I can finally be something more than an escaped former slave."

"You've always been more than an escaped former slave, Fenris."

"Possibly to you, but not to myself." I thought that over the past three days I cried out everything left in me, but I could feel the lump in my throat form again. I turned my back to him, not wanting him to see me. He reached out for my arm.

"Hawke..."

I faced him, and he looked entirely concerned. "Fenris, it's fine. I'm happy for you. You will do so much good out there. I only hope that you won't forget to write." I said, remembering how Isabela never did.

"You've taught me well. Of course I will. I promise." I wiped my eyes, feeling a few tears escape.

"This is silly. Why am I crying over something that never really was?" I tried to laugh but it came out more like a sob.

"Because it was real. Marian," he said my name tenderly; he only used my first name a few times before. "What we had together that night, I will never forget it. You made me realise that someone could care about me - that I could be looked at as more than someone's property. I will always owe my life to you Hawke. Don't forget that."

He looked me straight in the eyes and pulled me into a hug. It was so very unlike Fenris, and I knew this was his way of saying goodbye. It wasn't the last time I would be seeing him, he was leaving in close to two months, but this was how he wanted to do it. It was a beautiful goodbye.

* * *

At sunset, I was feeling more restless than I was the past three days. It felt as if I was being punished for something I had done terribly wrong. The two most important people in my life were leaving, and there was this ugly emptiness that grew inside of me.

I stepped out onto my balcony, watching the sun go down. The sky cast a beautiful pink and orange hue across the city. I sighed. Anders loved sunsets. He and I used to come out to the balcony, and we would watch it go down. It was always a special moment between us, and it had been a long time since we experienced it together.

I felt as if he were there with me. I could almost smell the sandalwood on his clothes, his very essence, when those familiar arms suddenly wrapped around my waist and pulled me against his body. I wasn't imagining it. It was him - my love had returned to me. I spun myself around to see his loving eyes staring into mine, and I threw my arms around his neck tightly.

"Anders!" I yelled and he held me tightly.

"I'm here, love. I'm here."

"I was so worried." I said, as I cupped his cheeks and stared into his honey eyes. "Where did you go? I looked everywhere for you."

"I knew you would. I stayed with Lirene and her husband. You remember her, don't you?" Of course I did. She was the one who told me of Anders in the first place. I simply nodded.

"I needed some time and some space to think about things. Hawke, seeing Fenris kiss you...seeing you return it, you cannot begin to imagine how much it hurt."

"I know, and I'm so sorry."

"No, let me finish. You cannot begin to imagine how much it hurt for me to realise that I was the one who lead you to him. I have been neglecting you for months, and I am the one who failed us."

"No, Anders. That is no excuse for what I did. I will not let you take the blame for this." I was overwhelmed. I thought I lost him forever, and again, he managed to surprise me.

He gently turned my body so I was facing the sunset again, and Anders embraced me from behind. His face nuzzled into my neck, and I could feel his warm breath on my skin.

"I know you do not understand why I have been so distant, why I have been so consumed. But, I am doing it for us. Just look at everyone down there, Marian. Look at Kirkwall. This has been our home for nearly a decade." I watched as the sun sank, and people walked home, some arm in arm,

"I am fighting for a world where our children can be born mages and free. Ten years, a hundred years from now, someone like me will love someone like you, and there will be no templars to tear them apart."

"That's what I am fighting for too, Anders."

I felt him pull away from me, and the loss of his sensation instantly made me crave more.

"Marian, turn around, love," he said so quietly, it was almost a whisper. I turned, and could not believe the sight before me.

Anders was on one knee, with a ring in hand. One even more beautiful than the one he gave me on my birthday.

"Anders..."

"I saved up nearly a year so I could buy this for you. I've had it on me for months." I looked down into his beautiful eyes and I felt tears pool into mine.

"No, no I don't deserve this," I started to weep. He took my hand in his, still on one knee.

"I cannot give you a normal life, but what I can give you is my love. I know the Chantry will not recognise us as man and wife because of our abilities, but if you say yes, Marian, I will honour and cherish you until the day I die."

"Yes...a million times yes!" I said, tears running down my face, embracing him in a kiss. I fell down on the balcony floor with him, my hands in his hair. Our foreheads touched, and we both began breathing heavily, letting tears overwhelm us.

"I was so afraid you were gone forever."

"No, love. I could never leave. But please, never put me through that again. This heart of mine couldn't take it."

"Never. I am yours, and only yours." He grasped my hand with his, and slid the ring down my ring finger. It was a perfect fit, because he knew me so well. It had a gold band, and sitting on the top of it was a diamond shaped blue gem. The gold with the blue complimented each other and the brilliant blue gem seemed to shine as the setting sunlight hit it. Although it was simple, it was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen.

"It's perfect." I said, and his lips found mine once again.

"Do you still have the amulet? I'd like it back, if that's okay."

"Of course. It's in the room."

We stayed out on the balcony until the sun had long set and it became chilly outside. We spent the night sitting by the fire, planning out a ceremony. I could not have been happier.

* * *

**Don't hate me Fenris fans...he's not disappearing! Remember...sequel, and in that sequel he has a much larger role than he did in this story :)**


	27. Until my Dying Day

**A/N: By far, this is my favorite chapter of the whole story, and it kind of just came to me. Nothing in this was preplanned like most my chapters, it kind of just happened as I wrote it. Enjoy some wedding sweetness and sex!**

* * *

Anders wanted to get married as soon as possible. He was as excited as a child on their birthday. Telling our friends came as a shock to most, but they were all very supportive. We sent invitations out the very next day, our ceremony was to be two weeks after he proposed.

Three days before the wedding, I still hadn't picked out a dress. I planned to wear my usual fancy attire: a white blouse and fancy trousers. When I pulled them out for Orana to launder, Anders looked as if I had kicked him.

"You'll be getting married in that?" He sounded a little dejected.

"Is that a problem?"

"It's just..." he looked down at the floor, and then felt confident enough to walk over to me and take my hands in his. "I know you prefer practicality in your wardrobe, love, but it's not as if you're going to run off in a fight right after. Could you wear a dress for me? Please?" He gave me award winning "puppy dog" eyes, and my heart felt like it would burst.

"How can I resist that? Fine, I'll wear a dress. But nothing with ruffles!"

"Thank you, love." he pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips against mine softly. "And for the record, I think you would look lovely in ruffles. Ruffles all the way from your neck down to your toes. You should get the biggest, poofiest dress, so that someone will have to roll you down the aisle!" He had a glimmer in his eyes and I smacked his arm.

"You can be such an ass."

* * *

"I've told you three times already Merrill, no ruffles!" Merrill was holding up a dress the size of my estate.

"But it's so pretty!"

I brought Merrill and Aveline with me to the only fancy dress shop in Hightown. I was hoping they could be of assistance, but the way it was going I would have rather hanged myself than stay there any longer. Each dress they showed me was more hideous than the last.

"What's wrong with what you have on now?" Aveline asked.

"It's too itchy."

"Turn in it!" Merrill exclaimed, and I did so just to please her. She clapped her hands.

"What's with all the turning?" I asked her.

"It just looks like so much fun." she giggled, and I sighed.

"What about this Hawke?" Aveline asked, lifting another.

"It's too plain. And blue. I already said no to blue."

"But it is the traditional colour."

"Ah yes, the colour of purity. And just who do you think I'd be fooling?"

"I wore blue to both my weddings." An awkward silence fell through the room for a few moments, and Aveline scoffed.

"I'm sure you looked lovely in blue, Aveline." Merrill said, patting her on the arm. Aveline's face softened, and she smiled.

I started going through dress after dress, trying on all shapes and sizes, and nothing seemed to agree with me. I was about to give up and apologize to Anders for having to wear the blouse outfit, when suddenly I saw it.

It was a burgundy corset dress. The sleeves were separated from the shoulders, and flowing gold silk fell from the arms. I held it up, wide-eyed and smiling.

"I'd like to try this on." I told the tailor, and he lead me to a curtain to change. When I walked out, Aveline and Merrill's faces both lit up.

"You look beau-ti-ful" Merrill gushed, drawing out the words.

"That colour does bring out your eyes." Aveline said.

Merrill petted the sleeves, rubbing it to her face. "So soft too."

I stared into the mirror in the corner of the room. It was as if it was made specifically for me. It hugged every curve, every contour of my body in a flattering way. I turned and saw how the red and gold intertwined along the laces in the back. There were little beads and gems at the top. There wasn't a single thing I was displeased with about the dress.

"Can you turn again?" Merrill asked innocently.

"Merrill." Aveline rolled her eyes.

"I'll take it."

* * *

The day finally came. Anders stayed out of the bedroom the entire day, as that's where I was preparing. Our ceremony was being held in the backyard and my friends and family helped with the setup. Orana had been cooking since the night before. I stood in front of my mirror while Aveline and Merrill fixed my hair and smoothed my dress in place. There was a quick knock on the door, and Carver's head peaked around the corner.

"Everyone's seated outside now. We're ready whenever you are, Sister."

"See you out there." Aveline smiled, and her and Merrill left the room. Carver's gaze followed Merrill as she passed him.

I snickered. "Still have a thing for her, do you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right. Just like you didn't know what happened to Bethany's dollie."

"Hey, she shouldn't have left it on the floor. Wasn't my fault someone stepped on it and broke it." He grinned at me. It was so refreshing to see him smile. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen it. It was so long since I had seen my brother altogether.

"You look really nice, Marian."

"Just nice? Well then, I'd better stay in here an extra three hours and start all over again."

"You know what I mean. I've missed you, you know. And Mother, and Father, and Bethany. Gamlen can go suck an egg."

"I miss them too."

"I'm sorry you're stuck with me giving you away."

"Don't talk like that. You're the only real family I have left, asides from our uncle. I'm glad you came." I smiled, and gave my brother a big hug. He pulled away and his eyes were glistening.

"Aww, don't get all emotional on me!" I teased.

"Shut up. Let's get you married."

Carver walked me, arm in arm, all the way to the back entrance. It was just getting dark out, and there was a row of candles for us to walk in between that lead us to my groom. Orana played the lute.

As soon as we were in sight, everyone stood. It was a small gathering: Aveline, Donnic, Merrill, Varric, Bodahn, Sandal, Orana, Gamlen and Carver of course. I glanced ahead. I could see Anders standing with Varric, who was leading the ceremony. He was wearing new clothes; a crisp white shirt with full sleeves, which was layered with a navy blue vest that had silver buttons holding it shut. He had a tan belt with a silver buckle, attached to black trousers pleated on the sides with a pair of high shine boots. I saw Varric nudge him and Anders' hand went to his mouth.

He stood there in awe, watching me make my way closer to him. I could see how his eyes were teary, and he bit into his hand. He was not one for public displays of emotion, and seeing him look at me the way he was brought a lump in my own throat; I couldn't stop smiling like a damn fool.

After what seemed like forever, I reached him and held onto his hands, as Carver stepped off to the side. It took every ounce of will in me not to kiss him. He was tearing up and I began to shake. My hands trembled in his as I held back a sob.

"Easy, love. I'm right here." He whispered in my ear, and I had to wipe my eyes from the tears that threatened to fall.

"You two babies ready?" Varric teased, and we both laughed as we nodded.

We stood facing each other, Varric in front of us facing our guests.

"For some reason, these two wanted me to be the host tonight, Maker knows why. As we are all aware, the Chantry forbids mages from marrying, but I say to the Void with that nugshit. If two strangers who have never met can be allowed to marry because their folks arranged it, I see no reason why two people who are crazy about each other can't as well. Typically, at this moment, I'm supposed to ask for anyone who sees some reason for them not to be wed to speak out or forever hold their peace. But I say if you have a problem with Hawke's choice, you can shove it!" Varric added a nod to the last word and Anders just glared at him.

"Thank you for that, Varric."

"You knew what you were getting yourself into when you asked me to host, Blondie." he said with a chuckle. Anders turned his attention to me, and stared deeply into my eyes.

"My dear Marian, from the moment you stepped into my clinic, I knew you were going to be trouble. Little did I know that you would steal my heart. I spent three years tormenting myself with an unprofessed love, and when you finally convinced me that we should be together, you made me the happiest man in the world. I have spent three additional years here with you in our home. That is six years of my life I have spent loving you, and I will continue to devote myself to you until my dying day. We have been through hardships, yes, but we always come out on top. I will forever love you, Marian. If there's one thing I can promise you, it is that. I love you."

I felt my eyes water again, and I had to pull one hand out of his and wipe my eyes.

"How am I supposed to follow that?" Our friends all laughed and I shook my head, trying to keep my emotions at bay. Anders grabbed my hand again, which forced me to look into his eyes.

"Anders," I started, my voice already a little shaky. "I know that our relationship is anything but convenient. But that has never mattered to me. You are without a doubt the most kind hearted individual I have ever met. You've run a clinic for free these past six years, you've put yourself at risk to help those in need, and above all, you were able to make me see that love can get you through anything. When Mother died, and the baby...I never thought I would be able to feel joy again. You proved me wrong, my love, again and again. For that, I will always love and cherish you. Until my dying day."

Anders smiled when he heard me repeat the words he said in his own vows. He turned to Varric who was grinning from ear to ear.

"We need the rings now, Varric."

"Oh, right...right, the rings. Hold on." He reached into his pocket, and moved his hand frantically side to side. "I could have sworn I had them here a minute ago..."

"What?! Don't you dare tell me you lost them, dwarf!" Anders panicked.

"Gotcha!" Varric laughed, and pulled them out of his pocket. Anders sighed in relief, and my heart stopped racing. "Blondie, you should have seen the look on your face! It was priceless!"

Anders snatched my ring from him, and then gently slid it on my finger. I took his ring, and did the same. He smiled, beaming down at me. I'm sure I had the exact same look on my face.

"Well, are you two crazy kids going to kiss or what? We're dying over here."

As soon as Varric stopped talking, Anders leaned down and his lips were on mine. We kissed passionately, not caring that we had an audience. I could hear my brother groan, but I didn't even care. My hands went into his hair as I finally pulled away, and a single tear rolled down my cheek.

"I love you, wife."

"And I love you, husband."

* * *

Dinner and drinks were had, and after everyone was a little tipsy, Orana began to play music again. Anders took my hand and led us into a dance. He spun me around and I laughed, almost tripping over my dress.

"Careful! I'm not used to wearing such a thing." He leaned forward, lips against my ear, and I could feel his breath on my neck.

"Not to worry. Soon it will be at your feet." I blushed and he pulled away, a devilish look all over his face. From across the yard, I could see Carver fidgeting in front of Merrill. Suddenly, she nodded and jumped to her feet. Carver pulled her gently against him, and she began swaying in his arms. He stared down at her with adoration in his eyes. It brought me such happiness to see him like that.

"Think they'll be next?" Anders joked.

"It's taken Carver six years to gather the balls to ask her to dance. I somehow doubt that." I watched him twirl her around in his arms, and Merrill's giggles could be heard across the yard. "But they do look rather sweet together."

Anders eyes drifted over to a section of the garden we would sometimes visit and have a good cry. Where we buried little Malcolm. He exhaled, and I stroked his cheek.

"Let's not be sad tonight." I comforted him.

"I guess it was nice to have him here for the ceremony," he gave me a faint smile, and I brought my lips to his. My hands latched onto the back of his neck, and he groaned into my mouth. I pulled away and he had that look in his eyes I was so familiar with; he was thinking about getting me alone, and I couldn't wait.

The guests started to leave shortly after, and we said our goodbyes. I turned, and under one of the trees, I witnessed Carver and Merrill share their first kiss. She blushed furiously as she pulled away. He pressed his forehead against hers as he swiped the pad of his thumb against her bottom lip.

"Way to go, Juniour!" Varric hollered, and the two of them pulled away from each other.

"Let me walk you home. The Alienage isn't safe at night." He said to her as they strolled past us with the rest of the departing guests.

"Hands above the waist at all times, or you might find them tragically missing. You know how Bianca can get sometimes." Varric said, trailing behind them, no doubt to go back to his suite in Lowtown.

* * *

In our bedroom with the fire roaring, Anders unbuttoned the collar of his shirt, gazing at me as he did so. My eyes never left his. I pulled the sleeves to my dress down. His hand went to his hair tie, and he shook his hair loose, running his fingers through it, tossing the tie to the floor. Next, his shirt and vest were on the floor. He strode over to me with such confidence.

"Let me help you out of that dress, my bride." He stood behind me, unlacing the corset of my dress. His hands worked smoothly but torturously, savouring the moment. My breasts fell free as the dress pooled at my feet.

"Oh, thank the Maker! That thing was hard to breathe in." I gasped, and felt Anders hands cup my swollen breasts from behind. His lips went to my neck, kissing me tenderly. I turned around to face him, and let my hand trail down the line of hair past his navel and I gripped his erection through his trousers. I looked into his eyes playfully as I sank to my knees in front of him, beginning to unlace the strings. I pulled them down along with his smalls and his member bounced free. Looking into his honey eyes, I began to stroke him, and planted kisses up and down his shaft. He let out a breathy gasp as his eyes stayed glued to what I was doing.

"I love every bit of you, husband. Let me show you just how much." I brought the tip to my mouth and enclosed my lips around it, circling my tongue gently. I intended to tease him, sucking and licking as slowly as I could. I savoured his taste and his moans were music to my ears.

"Yes, love. More." he panted, and I decided to comply with his wishes. I took him fully into my mouth, and moved my head back and forth at a faster speed. My tongue flicked the sensitive slit each time I moved and his hands went into my hair.

He grabbed me by the shoulders, lifting me up and tossing me onto the bed. His body hovered over mine, kissing me fiercely as his hands trailed down my torso. His fingers hooked into my small clothes, and he pulled them off in one swift motion. His index finger circled over my tender nub and I sucked in a sharp breath. We held off from ravishing each other since the night after he proposed, and I found myself longing for him even more so than usual each passing night. Feeling his familiar caress made my whole body sing.

"You're already soaked, and I haven't even tasted you yet." he whispered into my ear, and I shuddered with anticipation. His tongue trailed over one nipple, flicking it and teasing it. His mouth sucked, making the bud erect. He moved on to the other, savoring it the same way as two of his fingers entered my core. He moved them in and out, as his thumb grazed my nub. My hips began to buck involuntarily. I needed to feel more of him.

He chuckled, as he moved lower and his face was in between my legs. His kissed my thighs, slowly, and I couldn't help but groan.

"I need more." I whined, and as soon as I spoke, his tongue eased past my lips. In quick motions, he licked at the bundle of nerves in between my legs. Each flick felt more incredible than the previous one, and I grabbed the sheets hard. His saliva mixed in with my juices. I could hear the wet sounds of his digits moving in and out of me. My fingers moved to his loose hair, and I pushed him further into my mound.

"Anders." I moaned loudly, as he entered a third finger to his ministrations. I felt so full, and yet I needed more. I needed him inside me, and waiting any longer just would not do. "Make love to me."

"Not until you cum." He said right before diving back into me. His tongue swirled up and down on my nub, each stroke bringing me closer and closer to bliss. The vibration of electric waves spread throughout my core, as he used some of his magic to bring me to the edge. I cried out, feeling the walls of my center grip and squeeze around his fingers that were moving in and out of me. I thrashed and moaned on the bed, subsiding to the intense ecstasy. My breath started to slow, as I felt my body coming back down. Anders leaned over me, and began to kiss me again. I could taste myself on him. It made me want him more. He looked down at me with adoration.

"Are you ready to make love together for the first time as man and wife?" I looked up at him and smiled.

"Almost. I need to say something first." I had been thinking since he proposed, and tonight as we danced under the stars, I made up my mind. "I'm not going to take the contraception anymore."

He looked a little stunned. "You mean...?"

"I want to try for another baby. I love you, Anders."

"Oh, love." he sighed, plunging into me with a deep thrust.

"Anders!" I called out. He began to snap his hips into mine, as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He watched my face as he made love to me, our eyes never leaving each other. I could feel my muscles contracting around him, squeezing him tightly. His pace accelerated, pumping in and out of me harder. My nails dug into his back as I cried out his name again.

Anders pulled out, and lay on his back. He grabbed hold of me so I was laying on top of him, facing the ceiling. With a firm hand he grabbed his erection, and pushed it back into my entrance. My head lay on the pillow, his breath by my ear.

"Maker, I will never tire of this. You're so tight, love." he whispered. One of his hands scaled down my body and he began to massage my clit as he bucked in and out of me. I was getting close again, the way the tip of his member hit against me in this angle, there was no way I could outlast him.

"I'm going to cum." I called out.

"Yes, cum for me." he moaned, as I fell apart. I could feel my walls tighten around him. Anders grabbed my hips and bucked into me wildly until I heard his breaths become ragged and he spilled his seed deep inside of my womb.

I let myself slide off of him so he could catch his breath, and I snuggled into his strong arms. He turned over and kissed me, stroking my dark locks off of my wet forehead.

"You are my dream come true. I hope you realise that," he professed.

"And you are mine."

* * *

When I finally got out of bed late the next afternoon, I walked down the stairs to prepare us some lunch. I saw two new letters on my desk, and decided to give them a quick read. Right away I recognised both handwriting. I opened the first.

_Hawke,_

_I ran into the dwarf late last night. I heard you looked even more stunning than ever, although I doubt that is possible. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you will be happy._

_Fenris_

A smile came across my face. Not a single spelling error, he had come such a long way. I hoped his letters would continue when he did move, as he promised. The next letter was from Isabela.

_Dearest Hawke,_

_Okay, I know, that sounded tacky. I just wanted to say I am sorry for what I said about Anders. I didn't mean it. I hope you can accept my apology. If you do, I have a little wedding present for the two of you. As you may have heard, I have a new ship now, and she is a beauty. I know you can't get away for long, but the two of you deserve at least a day apart from the madness that is Kirkwall. Come to the docks. I will take you and your new husband for a romantic getaway, a honeymoon of sorts. There's nothing like the sea to set the mood._

_P.S. I heard about Carver and Merrill. I almost can't believe it. About time that girl got some! Sorry, I know, you probably don't want to hear that about your brother. Shutting up now._

_Much love,_

Isabela

As much as I still wanted to hate her, I couldn't. She was just as human as anyone else, and I believed that she was truly sorry. I felt Anders' hands wrap around my stomach, and I turned to face him.

"Hey, what do you think about the sea?"


	28. Honeymoon Voyage

**A/N: Pains me to say it...one more chapter plus the epilogue. I am so emotionally attached to this story, thank the Maker there will be a sequel. I hope you guys have enjoyed it as much as I have. I have made some amazing friends along the way. I love you guys :)**

* * *

We arrived at the docs, and low and behold, there was Isabela and her ship. She was standing aboard, and looked down at us as we approached.

"You came." she said with a smile as we climbed on board.

"Yes well, you made an offer we couldn't refuse." I said, a little emotionless. Although I was willing to forgive her, and I possibly already had, I wanted her to work for my friendship. She had betrayed me twice already, and I was hesitant in trusting her again.

"Where to, newlyweds?"

"Well," Anders started. "We really can't afford to be gone long. Things with the mage underground are tense, to say the least. And Hawke constantly has Meredith breathing down her neck. Maybe just an overnight voyage?"

"That'll do. I'll just take the old girl for a nice trip around the coast. I'll have you guys back here by tomorrow morning. Sound good?" Anders and I both nodded. Before Isabela set off, she gave us a quick tour of her newest possession.

"Isabela, I am impressed." Anders said, as she showed us the tenth cabin. "You have enough room on here to fit half of Kirkwall."

"I know." she chuckled.

"Will you be leaving Kirkwall again soon then?" I asked.

"Just need to find myself a crew. Hey, why don't you and Anders join me? Could be fun." she winked

"That's a very nice offer, Isabela," Anders began. "But I can't abandon the mage underground. Things are crucial right now. And Maker knows, Justice would never allow it."

"Oh, that old stick in the mud needs to relax. Hawke, sweet thing, do you think you can take care of Justice for a night?"

I laughed nervously. "It doesn't quite work like that, Isabela."

"Hmmm. Too bad."

She took us to every compartment of the ship until finally, we arrived at the room Anders and I would be staying in.

"Welcome to the love boat." she giggled, and opened the door. Anders and I stepped inside to see a large bed with rose petals spread all over it. Beside it on the shelf were different oils and vials, and the room was beautifully decorated in red silk scarves. I turned around to face her.

"And just how did you know that my answer would be 'yes' to this little voyage?"

"Because, Hawke, I know you." she said and pinched my rear.

"Hey pirate, watch the hands. She is mine alone." Anders smiled, wrapping his arms around me.

"Have fun, newlyweds. Oh...and there's a note on the desk. Be sure to read it before you get up to anything too wild. It's your present. And I promise you, you will both thank me tomorrow morning when you finally leave this room." Isabela chuckled, as she swayed down the corridor.

Anders slowly shut the door when we heard her footsteps fading. He cupped my face and brushed his soft lips against mine.

"So, my beautiful wife, should we see what Isabela's surprise is?"

"I guess we should. Knowing her, it's going to be very dirty." We sat on the bed, which was surprisingly comfortable. I grabbed the note, and as I opened it, we could feel the ship start to pull out of the port.

_Mr. and Mrs. Hawke (sorry Anders!),_

_There is a vial on the counter there, and it's contents are...shall we say...most toxic. If you each drink half, you will be in for a __**wild **__ride. I expect to hear some moaning from the deck! Make Isabela proud._

"Let me see." Anders said and I handed him the note. I picked up the vial, and uncorked it smelling the contents. Anders grabbed it from me and brought it to his nose to do the same.

"This is Antivan Fly!" his eyebrows went up in an excited manner. "Do you have any idea how expensive this stuff is?"

"What is it, exactly?"

"An aphrodisiac of sorts. I have never tried it myself, but have heard many wild stories."

"Should we try it, then?"

"Hmm...let me think about this long and hard Hawke...yes!" He was all smiles, and although I felt a little hesitant, I figured it was our honeymoon and what better time to try something new and exciting.

"Oh, alright then." Anders kissed me on the cheek then downed half it's contents, before passing it to me to do the same. It was green and it burned all the way down.

"Come lay back with me sweetheart, and wait for it to work its magic."

Anders and I began to kiss, our heads resting on the white fluffy pillows. At first, it felt like any other time we were together. But a few minutes in, I could feel a heat grow in my belly. Every movement his lips made on mine left a tingling sensation that seemed to pool throughout my entire body. It felt almost like I was dreaming; as if nothing were really happening. Anders moved his hand down my arm, bringing all of my hairs to stand up.

"I feel weird."

"It is a strange feeling, love. It will get better." His lips claimed mine again, and his hand stroked my collar bone. I could feel my temperature rising, and I felt unbearably hot.

"I need to lose the clothes." I began to undress as quickly as possible, needing to be rid of their confinements. When I looked up, I noticed Anders had done the same, and was stroking himself, staring at my breasts.

"You're beautiful. Kiss me again." My arms went around his neck and my tongue entered his mouth. I felt a throb form in between my legs, and in seconds my clit began to swell. Anders' hand glided down my back, and he stroked the back of my thighs. I intertwined my legs with his, kissing him deeper and faster. His fingers moved back up, and he began to toy with my entrance. It felt as if I had never been touched there before, every stroke made me moan louder and louder, sounds I could barely recognise.

"Touch me." he gasped, and I reached down and grabbed his erection hard. My hand pumped up and down, Anders groaning with me as we touched each other's bodies. His fingers began to enter my core, and waves of electricity shot through my system and I cried out.

"You're soaking wet already. Oh Marian, use your magic on me too, love. I want to feel it." Throughout my wails, I mustered the energy to focus a soft electricity spell throughout my hand that was stroking him. As I summoned the spell, Anders began to shout loudly. We were both unable to control our noises; every touch became more intense than the next.

"I need to be inside you." he groaned. Anders climbed in between my legs, and quickly entered me. His length stretched me, and I began to thrust upwards to feel more of him. He put his weight on his hands, lifting off of me a little so I could continue arching my body up and down, impaling myself on his member.

"Marian." he sighed, leaning forward to kiss me again. He started to snap his hips into me, and I lowered my hands to grab his rear's cheeks; to push down on him to get him to sink even deeper. I threw my head back, looking up towards the ceiling, when I noticed something only Isabela would have done.

"Anders, there appears to be one more surprise. Look up." He tilted his head so he could see what I was talking about and he laughed.

"A mirror, hmm? Like what you're seeing, love?" He kept thrusting into me, and I watched the way his hips moved up and down in between my spread legs. The way my breasts bounced with every movement.

"I want to taste you." he whispered in my ear and I moaned.

"I want to taste myself on you." I said in return, flashing him a devious smile.

"Double pleasure sounds good to me," he chuckled, as he withdrew from me. Anders took my place, and lay back, staring at the ceiling. He grabbed onto my hips, leading me above his mouth.

"Oh, I do love this mirror. What a view!" he said, right before his tongue lapped at my nub. I leaned forward, and took his hard member into my mouth. My right hand gripped onto him, as my other held me up for balance. I stroked him as my tongue swirled around the tip, making him pant and moan into my core. His head pushed back and forth, moving his tongue in and out. One of his strong hands reached around, and I felt his finger stroking my back entrance. I cried out as it began to enter, my sounds muffled on his length. The slight burn of his finger and his wet tongue sliding in and out caused my whole body to shake, climbing higher and higher. My climax erupted quickly, sending convulsions within every muscle of my body. I could feel my inner walls contracting around his tongue and finger, which were still pumping in and out. I let out a huge sigh, feeling my body coming down from the pleasure. Anders withdrew from me.

"I need to cum inside you, love. I haven't forgotten what you said about wanting to start a family." I smiled and climbed off of him. He lay me on my back once more, and plunged deep within me.

"I'm close, love. Oh, so close," he moaned and I bucked my hips to assist him. Anders looked down and started to shake, grumbling to himself.

"Anders?" I asked, concerned, His face was scrunched up and he seemed to be in pain.

"Not now." he whimpered.

"Anders? Are you alright?" Suddenly, familiar blue eyes reflected back at me, and a dark growl came from his mouth.

"Justice." I said in shock.

"You will not distract him with a family. I will not allow you to do this, mortal. You will ruin everything!" In a panic, I tried to push him off of me, but the spirit who controlled Anders' body grabbed a hold of my neck and pushed down. My airway was cut off and I began to struggle for breath.

"You will leave us be!" He hollered. I flailed my arms, completely panicked. I somehow managed to reach over for a candlestick on the nearby drawer, and with all my might I whacked him in the temple. Anders immediately fell unconscious, and as I started to gasp for air, I turned him over.

"Anders!" I called out, choking as I regained my voice. "Anders! Isabela!" I began to holler for her, and luckily she heard. She came running into the room as I began to attempt to work a healing spell on him. She rushed to the bed, ignoring the fact that we were both completely naked.

"What in the name of Andraste's granny panties happened here?"

"Justice." I murmured, waving my hand over his head which had a purple welt on it. Anders' eyes began to flutter open as he regained consciousness.

"Wha...Isabela? What are you doing here?" He was groggy, and it took him a moment to realize he was naked. He looked down, and grabbed a pillow to cover himself.

"Nothing I haven't already seen, sweet thing," she giggled. Anders turned his attention to me, and his eyes went wide.

"Maker, Hawke! Your neck!" He sat up quick, and I tilted my head back to look up in the mirror. I had a hand mark around my throat and I looked down at the bed.

"What happened, love?" he asked, his hands gentle, applying healing to the bruise. "The last thing I remember was making love to you...and then waking up."

"Justice apparently made an appearance." Isabela said softly. "I'll be on deck if you need." She said as she walked back out.

"Marian, please tell me I didn't..." his voice trailed off. I sighed, and grabbed his hand.

"He says that I am distracting you. That a family would ruin things."

"Maker, no." Tears welled up in his eyes. "I could never live with myself for hurting you. You have been my one bright light, you are my reason for breathing. Hawke..." I cupped his face and forced him to look at me.

"I love you, Anders. We will find a way to get him under control." His tears fell, and I held him in my arms. "We will be okay. I promise."

"You deserve better." he said quietly.

"None of that! We just got married yesterday. I will hear none of this. Do you understand me, Anders?" He whimpered into my arms, and I lay down beside him, stroking his hair. "Everything will be alright." I kept repeating over and over, until he fell asleep.

* * *

It was dark out, and I joined Isabela on the docks. The wind blew through her hair and she gave me a smile.

"How's our healer doing?"

"He's a mess. This whole day fell apart." I sighed, and she put an arm around me.

"The anchor's been dropped. We'll stay here tonight, and first thing in the morning I will take the two of you back home where you can sort things out."

"Thanks Isabela. I appreciate it."

"So you're not mad at me anymore, I take it?" she asked hopeful.

"A little irked, but I forgive you nonetheless. I know you didn't do anything to intentionally hurt me."

"I'd never hurt you, Hawke. Well, unless you asked for it, of course." She smirked and I smiled back. "Hey, that man of yours is out cold. You still could have some honeymoon fun you know."

"Oh Isabela. You'll never change, will you?" I laughed.

"You know it."

Her and I shared a few drinks before she turned in for the night. I peered over the edge of the ship, watching the moonlight ripple through the water. I heard Anders' footsteps approach, and soon his arms were around me.

"I'm so sorry for ruining our honeymoon, sweetheart."

"You didn't ruin anything Anders. Justice did."

"Him and I are one."

"I don't care. I had fun while it lasted. You let him know that the next time he tries something like that I will pummel him twice as hard." I smiled, and Anders looked blankly off into the distance.

"Maybe we should hold off on trying for a family."

"Is that what you want?"

"No. You know that. But he's been...extra agitated lately. And with the way things are in Kirkwall, maybe we should wait."

I sighed deeply, feeling a tinge of sadness. I understood his words were coming from a good place, and that it did make sense to wait.

"Alright Anders. You just let me know when you're ready, and we will try then."

"Of course, love. I promise, you'll be the first to know." He grinned, and I brought him in for another kiss. He took me back to our room, and we were able to make love uninterrupted, except for the odd cheer from Isabela of course. Life seemed as if it were perfect. How little did I know that in two weeks time, my entire world would crumble at my feet, and there was no way of stopping what was about to come.


	29. Separate Ways

The final chapter is dedicated to a few faithful reviewers who have stuck by since the beginning of this thing: momonigiri , Apollo Wings , LovelyDomination, falloutkitten , and my beta Shinkshinkshink who was my very first reviewer. You guys have been amazing, and inspired me to stick to it. I hope I won't disappoint you! Last chapter, plus an epilogue that leads up to the sequel. Thank you so much for all your love and support. You have no idea how much it means to me.

* * *

"No...I cannot...that is going too far Justice."

Anders hadn't come to bed, and I stood outside of the study, listening to him rant and rave, a slight hint of Justice merged within his own voice. For two weeks this had been going on, and try as I might, nothing seemed to help him. My dear Anders was slowly losing control over the spirit that resided inside him, and it was tearing me apart inside.

"There can be no half measures. There can be no turning back. There can be no peace." More of Justice's voice was apparent, and I could no longer stay silent. I swung open the door to see Anders hung over the desk.

"Love," I said quietly, and he turned to face me, tears stained down his cheeks. "Please, Anders. Talk to me."

"No, I cannot involve you..."

"Involve me in what? Anders, I just want to help you. Please, let me."

He looked up at me with sad eyes, as if he were a child stuck in a grown man's body. He seemed so incredibly lost, and it broke my heart.

"Being with you, loving you...I thought it would make a difference. But he's too strong. I've tried my best. Don't hate me for failing."

"I love you Anders. I will never give up on us. Please..." His eyes looked at me, and he paused, as if he were debating something silently with Justice.

"There is one thing I would ask of you, but I can't tell you why."

* * *

The smell of burnt flesh and ashes clung to the air as Meredith walked away. I could barely stand on my own two feet - it felt as if all the air had been knocked out of my lungs. The Grand Cleric and others were dead, all because of Anders. Or Justice...I couldn't tell if there was even a difference anymore. And what made everything so much worse was that I helped. I played a part in this madness. I stared down at him with disgust, as he sat on a crate, his face staring blankly ahead.

"How could you?" I could barely choke out.

"I told you I would drown us in blood to keep you safe. I told you I would hurt you. And this is what it had to come down to. Mages now will stand up and fight for their lives instead of letting the templars control us. It had to be done."

"But this? This was murder Anders!" I screamed out. Varric, Merrill, Isabela, Fenris, and Aveline were all at my side.

"I know. And if I must die now, then that is a price I am willing to pay. Please just know that...that I've always loved you. And I never wanted to hurt you." He stared blankly at his feet, and that's when I knelt down before him, forcing him to look at me.

"And I told you that I would love and cherish you until my dying day. I refuse to allow that day to be now. I will defend you and the mages until the end. Now get up." I said, pulling him to his feet. He looked bewildered, as did some of my companions.

"I never thought you would spare my life."

"I love you, Anders. I will never stop loving you. I despise what you did, but I understand why. Now let's go defend our kind.

* * *

Watching the city that was our home go up in flames as we sailed away on Isabela's ship was sobering. The smoke rose up and clung to the air. I don't know how we did it, but we defeated Meredith, and the remaining templars let us walk. For now. Soon there would be a bounty on Anders. I had to do what I could to keep him safe. The Maker must have been looking down on us, for all of my companions, including my brother Carver, made it out alive. We were able to get home quick and grab the very few things we needed. I took a few robes, the rest of my coin, and some of my mother's jewelry for safe keeping. Anders only took the picture I bought for him in the market of the cat. Orana, Sandal, and Bodahn came with us, along with my mabari Rufus. Isabela's ship had more than enough room.

Carver held Merrill close to his chest as she wept quietly. Aveline and Donnic sat in silence. Fenris just kept pacing back and forth, uncomfortably, every now and then cursing in Arcanum. Varric broke out the brandy and was passing the bottle around. I took a huge swig, and barely noticed the burning effect. I went to pass it back to him, but he pushed it towards me.

"Keep it, Hawke. I think you need it more than the rest of us." I forced a smile at the dwarf, and he pat my hand. Anders was sitting on the ground, his head in his hands. The rest of our "crew" had barely spoken to him; and how could they? I could barely find the words. I told him before we left I would stay at his side, that we would be fugitives together. A life with him on the run would be more fulfilling than a life safe at the estate, I knew this. I would never stop loving him. And truth be told, I didn't blame him for what he did. Any mage who had been to the circle knew what life as a mage meant. He had lived practically as a slave to the templars, and with Meredith in control, drastic measures needed to be taken. I felt despair, thinking about the lives that were lost, but took comfort in the fact that now mages would be heard, they all would have a fighting chance at a real life now. One by one, my friends returned to their respective cabins. I helped Anders to his feet, and brought him to the cabin we shared a few weeks before. He lay on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, his reflection staring back in the mirror that was still there.

"I'm a monster." He said, his voice filled with grief. "How can you stand by me still?

I put an arm around him, and nuzzled my head into his neck. "You are no monster, Anders. For a decade, you helped countless people. Sick people, who had no coin to pay you. You risked your freedom again and again to help _strangers. _That is not a monster. That is a brave man. Yes, you did a terrible thing. It is something we are going to live with for the rest of our lives. But I refuse to believe that you are a bad man."

"I don't know what I did to deserve you." He said, his voice shaky. "I promise you, Hawke. With every fiber of my being, I will do whatever it takes to make things right by you. I swear it."

I gently kissed his lips, and stroked his hair. "I know. I love you, Anders."

"I love you, Marian."

* * *

We were all together for a few days, before reaching our first stop; Highever in Ferelden, where Aveline, Donnic, Bodahn, Sandal, Merrill, and Carver set out to start their new lives. Carver embraced me tight, and looked down at me with sad eyes.

"Look out after yourself, Sister." He said, his voice hinted with sadness.

"And you take good care of Merrill." I said with a smile. Ever since the wedding, their relationship had flourished, and he was finally able to tell Merrill how he felt. "Don't worry, Carver. I will be fine. It is only goodbye for now. We'll see each other again someday."

Merrill lept into my arms and I laughed. "Watch out for Carver will you? And don't let him boss you around. He can be pushy, you know." Merrill smiled and Carver rolled his eyes.

"I will, Hawke. Thank you, for everything." They stepped off the gangplank, and Aveline gave me a soft smile.

"Stay safe, Hawke. I'll think of you often."

"And I you, Aveline. You've always felt like the older sister I never had."

"Thank you for that."

As Isabela steered away, my heart felt heavy. Ferelden was my home for so long, and now my brother was finally returning home without me. We could never go back to Ferelden, the place Anders and I were both from. Risk of being recognised was too great. We had to go far, far away.

Our next destination was Ostwick. From there, Fenris would make his way to Starkhaven to reunite with Sebastian, who was now the ruler. There was no doubt in my mind that my former ally would be spiteful and vindictive when he heard of Anders involvement in Elthina's death. It made my stomach plunge just thinking about his rage.

Orana decided to join Fenris when he mentioned Sebastian's offer in helping him rehabilitate former elven slaves. He didn't seem overly thrilled about the idea; he often felt uncomfortable around Orana as she reminded him of his former life, but he reluctantly agreed.

Fenris didn't even have to accompany us on our voyage to Ferelden, he was closer to Starkhaven in Kirkwall, but he refused to leave me before he knew I would be okay. The day finally came when we would be arriving at Ostwick. It was just Fenris and I standing on the deck, about an hour before he had to go. The sun was just rising, and the air was cool. We stood in silence for awhile, until I could bare it no longer.

"You could always come with me, Fenris." I said sadly, knowing it could not be so.

"You and the abomination? A highly unlikely scenario, Hawke." He said with a small smile. "What is the saying? Oh...yes. Two's company, three's a crowd."

"I know. It's just...I'm going to miss you. More than anyone."

"I promised you I'd write. I still will. Only, where shall I send the letters?"

"I have the address for the Starkhaven Castle. You will be there, won't you."

"Yes. But, won't it be dangerous for you to write me there?"

"I guess I will have to think of a new name. Certainly I can't go by Hawke anymore." I laughed.

"And what will your new name be, might I ask?" I thought about it for a moment, then an idea came to mind.

"Amira."

"Amira?"

"It was a name we thought of for the baby. There's sentimental meaning behind it." A wave of sadness swept over me, as it did every time I thought of the baby. We had to leave his final resting place, and it made it all the more difficult to leave the estate behind.

"Ah, well. I will look forward to hearing from my dear friend Amira, then." He smiled, and squeezed my hand.

"You'll make sure Orana is okay? She's still very naive. I wouldn't want anyone to take advantage of her."

"You needn't worry, Hawke. She will be safe with me until we arrive at Starkhaven."

"Thank you for doing this, Fenris. It means alot to me."

"Consider it a final favor." He smiled and then hugged me tight, as the land came to view. Orana was with us now, as the gangplank was dropped.

"Oh thank you, Mistress. I am going to miss you very much!" She threw her arms around my neck and I chuckled.

"Fenris will take good care of you, Orana. I promise." She grinned at me and walked down the plank.

"Goodbye, Hawke. It was my pleasure being with you all these years. May you find happiness wherever you go. I will always owe my life to you." We hugged once more, and I breathed in the lyrium scent that was Fenris, one that I would hold in my memories dearly.

"Goodbye, Fenris. You will always be close to my heart." He smiled a sad smile, and joined Orana. The plank was lifted, and Isabela pulled out of the port. I stared at Fenris, and he stared back, until I could barely make out his white hair. A tear fell from my eyes, and I felt Varric squeeze my arm.

"I will be insulted if I don't get any tears." I began to laugh, and bent down to hug him.

"I'll be lost without my trusty dwarf!"

"Yeah well, who knows. Maybe I'll stay with you and Blondie for a bit. My dear fans will want to know what happened to the Champion after all."

After some debate, Anders and I decided to go to Rivain with Isabela, and Varric would join us. Our best options were that, or Tevinter. In Tevinter, we would be much safer. Magic was a blessing there, but after what Fenris went through, I couldn't bear to step foot in that place. Anders respected my decision, and so we were off for Afsaana in Rivain.

* * *

It has been five years since the battle at the Gallows. Five whole years, and I still can't believe it. Varric stayed with Isabela for a year, before heading back to Kirkwall, where he has been ever since. Anders and I made a home for ourselves in a small town on the outskirts of Afsaana. Back to the farm life, back to my modest roots when it was my siblings and parents, living a simple life, hiding from the Templars. It isn't much different from those times, well, except for one small thing. Anders and I found out we were expecting six months after we arrived at our new home. Our little boy is four years old, and we named him Gavin which means little hawk; a very suiting memento of my former life. He has Anders' blonde hair and my blue eyes. He hasn't shown any signs of being a mage yet, but we will have to wait and see what happens.

Merrill and Carver are expected for a visit next month. We seem them about once a year or so. They just got married and are on their honeymoon. My brother has grown up into a very responsible man, and a doting husband. Merrill let her demons die with the Eluvian. It seemed once she found Carver, she had a new focus in her life. They seem very happy together, and I don't doubt it for an instant.

Aveline and Donnic have three young boys. Three of them! She eventually returned to Kirkwall and has resumed her position with the guard. We don't hear from her as much, as she has a responsibility to the city and fears of someone finding us out.

And Fenris...my dear Fenris. He has become well-known throughout Starkhaven. He and Sebastian have travelled across the Free Marches and even into Tevinter sometimes to rescue slaves. He is responsible for rehabilitating them into society. He even trains some of them into soldiers for the Starkhaven army. I hear from him often. He has found a sense of peace and meaning in his life; he has purpose now.

He fears for me and Anders, though. Sebastian has never given up his hunt for Anders, and from what I've heard, he never will. For all the good he has done with his new title as ruler, Fenris tells me there is something evil that lurks under the surface. He has tasted revenge before, and he will stop at nothing to find us. We have to be extra careful in these times.

Anders and I of course took the precautions and changed our names. Amira and Andrew. Since the explosion, Justice became somewhat sated; feeling their agenda had been completed. Anders won't give up on helping our kind. He never will. We keep our ears open when we go into town, and he has taken in a few mage refugees now and then when we can afford the room in our small farmhouse. He still heals, he will never stop using his Maker-given powers for good. I only pray that our identities will remain hidden for the years to come. Only time will tell.

* * *

**And now on to our Epilogue...**


	30. Epilogue

**Sebastian**

The King paced back and forth in his royal quarters, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat. He looked down at his desk, maps sprawled out across it. Maps of every place he could possibly think that Anders would be hiding. In one quick swipe of a hand, he tossed everything on his desk onto the floor. A decanter fell to the ground with a crash. He sighed, and picked up the cup he was drinking from, emptying its contents in one big gulp. He slammed the glass down, and put his hands to his temples in frustration.

He looked over to his bed, still a mess from the events of earlier that night. His frustration was so high, even sex with the two whores he had hired could not sate him. His anger was growing more and more each passing day that Anders was allowed to be free. Free from the heinous crimes he committed against mankind. Free from murdering Elthina, the most forgiving woman he had even known. How could Hawke be so blind to what he truly was? He pondered to himself. She was a damned fool, and she would also have to pay the price. He would leave no mercy to _anyone _who got in his way.

He stumbled over, and somehow made it over to the mirror, and stared at his reflection. His blue eyes stared back at him. They were just as they were before the Chantry massacre happened. Only now he had little fine lines surrounding them. They were caused by emotional anguish more than time. So many nights he stayed up, plotting his retribution. So many nights he cried for Elthina and the other holy members of the Chantry, ones he had known for years. He had it all planned out. He would make Anders pay for what he did. He would make him know what suffering really was. _An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth,_ he thought. Sebastian would teach him a lesson on what true _justice _meant, since he was such a fan of the concept. He would find what mattered most to him, what he held dearest to his heart. Anders would understand the loss of a loved one when he was done. Oh yes, the mage would _beg _him to end his pathetic existence. He would cry and plead, but Sebastian would never relent. If only he knew where he was!

His fist flew through the mirror and shards scattered across the room. His hand was bleeding and dripping onto the floor. He pulled out a cloth from a nearby drawer, wrapping the wound while cursing to himself about the mess. He could not feel the pain now, he was too far gone in his own grief. He made a promise to himself that night that the search for the mage would end soon. He would not abandon his search until he was dead. He would never give up.

* * *

**End Notes: I am taking a week or two break to gather all my thoughts. The sequel will be called Royal Retribution. This was a little taste of what you can expect. As you can see it will be written differently as it will give me a broader outlook to write with. Please subscribe to me so you can see when it is posted. Love you guys lots, and thank you for sticking with me for so long!**


	31. UPDATE: Sequel has arrived

The sequel is now up for your viewing pleasure! You can find Royal Retribution on my page. Thanks for following 3


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